SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Best Buy Firing


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Best Buy Firing

Todd…..Josh Hutcherson
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dylan…..Jay Pharoah
Rosie…..Kate McKinnon
Beth…..Aidy Bryant
Drew…..Beck Bennett
Jessica…..Vanesa Bayer
Grace…..Nasim Pedrad
Edward…..Mike O’Brien
Mandrew…..Taran Killam
Randy…..Kenan Thompson
Ben…..Brooks Wheelan

[ shot of a Best Buy store, then fade to the interior of a Best Buy back room ]

Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-

Niff: Oh, yeah right!

Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?

Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!

Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches!

[ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]

Niff: You stupid-ass apes!

Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-

Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!

Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!

[ cut to an annoyed and confused looking Dylan ]

Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!

Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?

[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]

Rosie: It’s a birthmark.

Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!

Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.

[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]

Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.

Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.

Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools!

[ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]

Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!

Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!

Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?

[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]

Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!

Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.

Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.

Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!

Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]

Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Can’t read.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Uh, stank breath.

Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.

[ cut to Beth ]

Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.

Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!

Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!

Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.

Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?

[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]

Drew: Mm… no.

Niff: What about Doritos?

Drew: No.

Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!

Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!

Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!

Dana: It’s a Monday!

Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.

Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.

Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well!

[ cut to Jessica ]

Jessica: I am baby Jessica.

Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!

Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!

Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-

Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!

Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good!

[ Cut to Grace sitting down ]

Grace: Actually, I don’t.

Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.

Dana: Good on you.

Niff: Nice!

Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.

Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?

Niff: Yeah, where he?

[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]

Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.

Niff: Yeah!

[ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]

Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!

Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.

Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?

[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]

Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.

Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?

[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]

Todd: That was unsettling.

Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!

Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald!

[ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]

Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?

[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]

Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?

[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]

Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?

Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that!

[ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]

Niff: It’s magic, bitch.

Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great!

[ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]

Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?

[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]

Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.

Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.

[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]

Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd!

[ fade out on Best Buy store ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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