Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Best Buy Firing
Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-
Niff: Oh, yeah right!
Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?
Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!
Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches![ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]
Niff: You stupid-ass apes!
Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-
Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!
Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!
Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!
Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]
Rosie: It’s a birthmark.
Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!
Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]
Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.
Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.
Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools![ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]
Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!
Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!
Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]
Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!
Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.
Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.
Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!
Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]
Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.
Dana: Can’t read.
Dana: Uh, stank breath.
Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.[ cut to Beth ]
Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.
Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!
Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!
Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.
Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]
Drew: Mm… no.
Niff: What about Doritos?
Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!
Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!
Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!
Dana: It’s a Monday!
Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.
Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.
Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well![ cut to Jessica ]
Jessica: I am baby Jessica.
Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!
Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!
Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-
Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!
Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good![ Cut to Grace sitting down ]
Grace: Actually, I don’t.
Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.
Dana: Good on you.
Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.
Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?
Niff: Yeah, where he?[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]
Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.
Niff: Yeah![ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]
Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!
Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.
Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]
Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.
Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]
Todd: That was unsettling.
Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!
Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald![ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]
Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]
Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]
Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?
Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?
Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that![ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]
Niff: It’s magic, bitch.
Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great![ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]
Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]
Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?
Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.
Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]
Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd![ fade out on Best Buy store ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.