SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Best Buy Firing

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Best Buy Firing

Todd…..Josh Hutcherson
Dana…..Cecily Strong
Niff…..Bobby Moynihan
Dylan…..Jay Pharoah
Rosie…..Kate McKinnon
Beth…..Aidy Bryant
Drew…..Beck Bennett
Jessica…..Vanesa Bayer
Grace…..Nasim Pedrad
Edward…..Mike O’Brien
Mandrew…..Taran Killam
Randy…..Kenan Thompson
Ben…..Brooks Wheelan

[ shot of a Best Buy store, then fade to the interior of a Best Buy back room ]

Todd: Okay everybody, team meeting please! Quick team meeting! I, uh, I have some bad news. We were a little overzealous in our Black Friday hiring and we’re overstaffed this season so unfortunately-

Niff: Oh, yeah right!

Dana: Oh please! You overstaffed?! Let me guess, by two?

Niff: Yeah we know you firin’ us! ‘Cus all these ugly-ass mugs keep complainin’!

Dana: Planet of the apes-lookin’ bitches!

[ cut to a large group of Best Buy staff ]

Niff: You stupid-ass apes!

Todd: I, uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d love to really just really get through this, really quickly if I-

Niff: Not listening, Todd! Because if we goin’ out, then we goin’ out on top like Breaking Bad!

Dana: So, please direct your attention over to Dylan!

[ cut to an annoyed and confused looking Dylan ]

Niff: Ooh! Dylan! Why is your phone so damn big?! I mean the dummy got a 96 inch flat screen on his belt!

Dana: What you need that phone for?! Are you trying to take a picture of Rosie’s big-ass neck tattoo?

[ cut to Rosie who who has a dark-purple splotch on her neck ]

Rosie: It’s a birthmark.

Niff: Uhh, no. It’s a *bitch* mark!

Dana: Because you were put on this earth to be a bitch.

[ Dana and Niff do a little dance to that insult ]

Niff: Oooooh! You a bitch.

Todd: Guys, please stop doing the butterfly. It’s not helping anybody.

Niff: Oh, speaking of not helping, look at these jacked up fools!

[ cut to three black-shirted employees of Best Buy’s “Geek Squad” ]

Niff: The Geek Squad? Woof! More like… the Geek Squad!

Dana: And he didn’t have to change that one!

Niff: No and can’t you see that no one needs you anymore? Or is you blind?

[ Dana pulls out a plastic recorder and plays ‘Three Blind Mice’ ]

Niff: [ singing to the tune of ‘Three Blind Mice’ ] Three blind bitches! Three blind bitches! See how they suck! See how they suck! One is a bitch with dirty hair! And one is a bitch who doesn’t care!

Dana: [ finishes the lyric ] And one has bad skin.

Todd: Dana, Niff, please stop.

Dana: Ooh, but how can we stop when it’s time to play the Pyramid!

Niff: Ooh! That’s my favorite! [ plays some game show music from his phone ]

Dana: [ giving hints ] Okay, stupid face.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Can’t read.

Niff: Pass!

Dana: Uh, stank breath.

Niff: Oh, that’s that trash pile, Beth.

[ cut to Beth ]

Beth: Okay, that hurt but thanks for not bringing up my adult braces.

Niff: Oh come on, Beth. I mean, we’re not monsters!

Dana: Yeah, we have a heart!

Todd: Guys this is getting a little weird for everyone.

Dana: Oh, no. Speaking of weird. Drew! Have you eaten Cheetos today?

[ cut to Drew who has some orange smudging around his mouth ]

Drew: Mm… no.

Niff: What about Doritos?

Drew: No.

Niff: Then why on earth is your mouth so orange?!

Dana: You look like you were face-deep in Garfield’s butt!

Niff: I mean, leave that cat alone!

Dana: It’s a Monday!

Todd: It is a little strange, Drew.

Dana: No, no. no. Which brings us to this motor mouth.

Niff: [ makes a blub sound with his fingers on his lips ] Jessica! We are sick and tired of hearing about how you was that baby Jessica that fell down that well!

[ cut to Jessica ]

Jessica: I am baby Jessica.

Dana: Well, now you work at Best Buy!

Niff: Yeah! You was better off in the well!

Todd: [ trying not to laugh ] That’s enough! Really, it’s not-

Niff: Oh, enough? Well you obviously talkin’ to Grace!

Dana: Yeah, we all know you wear butt pads to make your butt look good!

[ Cut to Grace sitting down ]

Grace: Actually, I don’t.

Niff: Oh. Well, damn girl.

Dana: Good on you.

Niff: Nice!

Todd: Well, that’s, that’s very nice.

Dana: No! Now, where’s that freak bitch, Edward?

Niff: Yeah, where he?

[ cut to Edward who has stringy hair and long nails ]

Dana: Cut ya nails! Nobody cares if you’re a classical guitarist! We work at Best Buy! To us, you’re just like Edward Scissorhands.

Niff: Yeah!

[ Niff climbs onto a stool and starts sprinkling confetti under a spinning Dana, presumably re-enacting an Edward Scissorhands scene ]

Niff: Sorry, I got weird fingers, Winona Ryder!

Edward: Okay, you had that snow in your pocket. You clearly planned this.

Niff: Oh, and by the way, Mandrew, why do you always look like you just freshly murdered someone?

[ cut to Mandrew with his bowl haircut and creepy smile ]

Niff: I mean, you follow us from job to job! I guess we just have to accept the fact that you will kill us one day.

Dana: Yeah, what are you gonna kill, one of us? Both of us? What’s the plan?

[ Mandrew simply shrugs and continues to smile creepily ]

Todd: That was unsettling.

Dana: No. What’s unsettling is Randy’s hair color!

Niff: Yeah. I mean, you look like Ronald McDonald!

[ cut to Randy with a bright red afro ]

Randy: Who’s Ronald McDonald?

[ Niff just shakes his head in exasperation ]

Dana: Hey, Ben. you’re stupid. You like magic?

[ cut to Ben who nods and sounds a bit stoned ]

Ben: Huh. Yeah, yeah. How did you know?

Dana: You wanna watch us turn one bitch into three bitches?

Niff: Ooohhh [ he aims a camcorder at Ben ] Look at that!

[ Ben’s face appears on the three monitors beside them and Ben laughs, sounding impressed ]

Niff: It’s magic, bitch.

Ben: I can’t believe that. That was great!

[ Niff turns off the camcorder and rolls his eyes, groaning ]

Todd: Guys, look, I know that Dylan is a bitch, that Rosie sucks, and Drew loves Garfield’s butt. I get it. Everybody knows that. It’s a fact. But you’re not getting fired. Mandrew is, okay?

[ Mandrew suddenly pops up behind Todd ]

Todd: Where is Mandrew? [ after a pause ] He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?

Niff: Ooh. Well, so long, Todd. You was a great manager and you wadn’t even big a’bitch.

Dana: Good meeting, y’all. I’ll catch you on the flip.

[ Niff and Dana start to dance while Mandrew drags Todd’s chloroformed body away ]

Niff: Yo, sorry guys, you all gettin’ fired. Yo, rest in peace, Todd!

[ fade out on Best Buy store ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

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