Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Richard Patterson…..Beck Bennett
[ open in Richard Patterson’s office, as new hire Craig entors with Mitchell ]
Mitchell: And, last but not least, this is Mr. Patterson’s office.
Craig: Look at the size of this place…
Mitchell: Well, Mr. Patterson is the CEO of the fastest-growing financial start-up in history. so I think he’s earned it.
Craig: Yeah, I know. I’m actually really nervous to meet him.
Mitchell: Oh, you’ll be fine. There’s just a few things you should know about him: He has the I.Q. of a genius, he loves fantasy football… [ quickly ] and he has the body of baby.
Craig: [ confused ] What was the last one?
Mitchell: Shh! Not now! He’s almost off the phone!
[ reveal Richard Patterson sitting on the floor behind a short desk, with his bare feet clapping against one another ]
Richard Patterson: Alright! Pleasure talking to you as always, Bob. You take care now. Alright. [ he tries to hang up the phone by repeatedly slapping the receiver ]
Mitchell: Mr. Patterson, uh, this is your new assistant Craig.
Craig: Hello, Sir, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.
[ Craig extends his hand, which Mr. Patterson grabs awkwardly and attempts to balance from before sucking it ]
Mitchell: You, as well! I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about you.’
Craig: Thank you, Sir. [ to Mitchell ] Hey, Mitchell? Could I talk to you for just one second?
Mitchell: Oh, sure. What could this possibly be about? [ he smirks ]
Craig: How am I supposed to work with this guy?
Mitchell: What do you mean? Mr. Patterson is the most brilliant financial mind of our generation.
[ Mr. Patterson pounds his keyboard with his hands ]
Craig: I know, I know… but I wasn’t expecting, uh… I wasn’t expecting this.
Richard Patterson: Hey, Craig! Could you hand me those Third Quarter reports on the coffee table over there?
Craig: Uh… Yes, sir, uh… what do they look like?
Richard Patterson: You know what? Maybe it’ll just be faster if I come to you.
Craig: Are you sure?
Richard Patterson: Absolutely. [ he stands up awkwardly, smashing his face against the phone ] It’s your first day, after all. [ he takes uncoordinated and unbalanced baby steps across the room ] And I know all this paperwork can be a little confusing. [ he flings the papers around and pounds on the coffee table ] But… you’ll learn to get the hang of it. [ he grabs a folder and flings it back and forth in his hands ] Nooo, that’s not it! [ he drops it and grabs another folder ] Here it is, right here. [ he puts the folder in his mouth and slobbers on it ]
Craig: Is that all you wanted it for?
Richard Patterson: Yes! Thank you very much! [ he flings the folder back on the coffee table, nearly losing his balance ]
[ Assistant enters ]
Assistant: Hey, Mr. Patterson! I have your lunch right here.
Richard Patterson: Excellent! I’ll take it on the floor.
Assistant: Alright. [ he places the tray on the floor, then exits ]
Richard Patterson: Great! [ to Craig ] Please join me and tell me a little about yourself. [ he plops himself down ]
Craig: Okay, um… Well, I, uh… I grew up in Seattle…
Richard Patterson: [ playing with his spaghetti ] Ahhh, love it!
Craig: But, I-I I moved to the East Coast when I got accepted into Yale.
Richard Patterson: Oh, Yale! I, uh… I think I’ve heard of it. [ he rubs and pounds the spaghetti on his head ]
Craig: and now, I’m just looking for some… some… [ Mr. Patterson flings spaghetti at his face ] some real world, uh, financial experience.
Richard Patterson: Oh, that’s very smart! [ he blows on his spaghetti ]
[ CFO enters ]
CFO: Hey, Richard? Do you have a minute to go over a few things?
Richard Patterson: I always have time for my favorite CFO!
CFO: [ he laughs ] Okay, on 2! [ he lifts Mr. Patterson into his arms ] Now, uh… as you know, I’m meeting the Board of Directors this afternoon.
Richard Patterson: Uh-huh, I’m aware. [ he feeds spaghetti into the CFO’s mouth ]
CFO: Basically, I did some cost analysis and I’m gonna recommend that we go public in… honestly, about 6 to 8 months.
Richard Patterson: [ rubbing spaghetti into the CFO’s hair ] Alright, alright… excellent!
CFO: Well, thanks, Richard. I do appreciate that. Are we still on for tennis later?
Richard Patterson: Noooo, I can’t! My foot’s killing me, I banged it up yesterday.
CFO: Oh, no…
Craig: Oh, uh… do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I…
Richard Patterson: What?! No! I’m an adult man!
Craig: My mistake…
CFO: Oh, uh, one last thing, Richard: The photographer from Forbes is here to take your picture.
[ the Photographer enters ]
Photographer: Hello, sir! Is now a good time?
Richard Patterson: [ climbing down from the CFO’s shoulders ] Uhhhh, yes, but let’s make it quick. I have a meeting with a major Japanese investor at 10:00. Fingers crossed! [ he crosses his fingers, then intertwines them with all his other fingers ]
Photographer: Okay, just look at the camera, Sir! Okay? Alright, over here? Please?
Richard Patterson: [ facing and leaning in the wrong direction ] Over where? Where do you want me to look? ‘Cause, I have to say, I can’t find the camera!
Photographer: Over here. Sir? Can you…?
CFO: Richard… Richard…
Craig: [ holding up his keys and jingling them ] Mr. Patterson! Follow the keys!
Richard Patterson: Oh! Oh, I hear the keys! I hear the keys!
Craig: Over here!
Richard Patterson: [ turning around ] Oh, oh! There it is! I see it. Hey! Great work with the keys, Craig! [ he slaps his legs repeatedly ] I like it. I think you’ll fit in just fine here.
Craig: Thank you, Sir. That means a lot.
Photographer: Okay, Richard: Smile for the camera… and 3, 2, 1… [ she snaps the picture ]
[ cut to Forbes magazine cover: “Look Who’s A Big Boy In The World Of Finance” ]
[ fade ]