SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Office Boss

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Office Boss

Mitchell…..Kenan Thompson
Craig…..Josh Hutcherson
Richard Patterson…..Beck Bennett
Assistant…..Brooks Wheelan
CFO…..Taran Killam
Photographer…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open in Richard Patterson’s office, as new hire Craig entors with Mitchell ]

Mitchell: And, last but not least, this is Mr. Patterson’s office.

Craig: Look at the size of this place…

Mitchell: Well, Mr. Patterson is the CEO of the fastest-growing financial start-up in history. so I think he’s earned it.

Craig: Yeah, I know. I’m actually really nervous to meet him.

Mitchell: Oh, you’ll be fine. There’s just a few things you should know about him: He has the I.Q. of a genius, he loves fantasy football… [ quickly ] and he has the body of baby.

Craig: [ confused ] What was the last one?

Mitchell: Shh! Not now! He’s almost off the phone!

[ reveal Richard Patterson sitting on the floor behind a short desk, with his bare feet clapping against one another ]

Richard Patterson: Alright! Pleasure talking to you as always, Bob. You take care now. Alright. [ he tries to hang up the phone by repeatedly slapping the receiver ]

Mitchell: Mr. Patterson, uh, this is your new assistant Craig.

Craig: Hello, Sir, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

[ Craig extends his hand, which Mr. Patterson grabs awkwardly and attempts to balance from before sucking it ]

Mitchell: You, as well! I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about you.’

Craig: Thank you, Sir. [ to Mitchell ] Hey, Mitchell? Could I talk to you for just one second?

Mitchell: Oh, sure. What could this possibly be about? [ he smirks ]

Craig: How am I supposed to work with this guy?

Mitchell: What do you mean? Mr. Patterson is the most brilliant financial mind of our generation.

[ Mr. Patterson pounds his keyboard with his hands ]

Craig: I know, I know… but I wasn’t expecting, uh… I wasn’t expecting this.

Richard Patterson: Hey, Craig! Could you hand me those Third Quarter reports on the coffee table over there?

Craig: Uh… Yes, sir, uh… what do they look like?

Richard Patterson: You know what? Maybe it’ll just be faster if I come to you.

Craig: Are you sure?

Richard Patterson: Absolutely. [ he stands up awkwardly, smashing his face against the phone ] It’s your first day, after all. [ he takes uncoordinated and unbalanced baby steps across the room ] And I know all this paperwork can be a little confusing. [ he flings the papers around and pounds on the coffee table ] But… you’ll learn to get the hang of it. [ he grabs a folder and flings it back and forth in his hands ] Nooo, that’s not it! [ he drops it and grabs another folder ] Here it is, right here. [ he puts the folder in his mouth and slobbers on it ]

Craig: Is that all you wanted it for?

Richard Patterson: Yes! Thank you very much! [ he flings the folder back on the coffee table, nearly losing his balance ] [ Assistant enters ]

Assistant: Hey, Mr. Patterson! I have your lunch right here.

Richard Patterson: Excellent! I’ll take it on the floor.

Assistant: Alright. [ he places the tray on the floor, then exits ]

Richard Patterson: Great! [ to Craig ] Please join me and tell me a little about yourself. [ he plops himself down ]

Craig: Okay, um… Well, I, uh… I grew up in Seattle…

Richard Patterson: [ playing with his spaghetti ] Ahhh, love it!

Craig: But, I-I I moved to the East Coast when I got accepted into Yale.

Richard Patterson: Oh, Yale! I, uh… I think I’ve heard of it. [ he rubs and pounds the spaghetti on his head ]

Craig: and now, I’m just looking for some… some… [ Mr. Patterson flings spaghetti at his face ] some real world, uh, financial experience.

Richard Patterson: Oh, that’s very smart! [ he blows on his spaghetti ] [ CFO enters ]

CFO: Hey, Richard? Do you have a minute to go over a few things?

Richard Patterson: I always have time for my favorite CFO!

CFO: [ he laughs ] Okay, on 2! [ he lifts Mr. Patterson into his arms ] Now, uh… as you know, I’m meeting the Board of Directors this afternoon.

Richard Patterson: Uh-huh, I’m aware. [ he feeds spaghetti into the CFO’s mouth ]

CFO: Basically, I did some cost analysis and I’m gonna recommend that we go public in… honestly, about 6 to 8 months.

Richard Patterson: [ rubbing spaghetti into the CFO’s hair ] Alright, alright… excellent!

CFO: Well, thanks, Richard. I do appreciate that. Are we still on for tennis later?

Richard Patterson: Noooo, I can’t! My foot’s killing me, I banged it up yesterday.

CFO: Oh, no…

Craig: Oh, uh… do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I…

Richard Patterson: What?! No! I’m an adult man!

Craig: My mistake…

CFO: Oh, uh, one last thing, Richard: The photographer from Forbes is here to take your picture.

[ the Photographer enters ]

Photographer: Hello, sir! Is now a good time?

Richard Patterson: [ climbing down from the CFO’s shoulders ] Uhhhh, yes, but let’s make it quick. I have a meeting with a major Japanese investor at 10:00. Fingers crossed! [ he crosses his fingers, then intertwines them with all his other fingers ]

Photographer: Okay, just look at the camera, Sir! Okay? Alright, over here? Please?

Richard Patterson: [ facing and leaning in the wrong direction ] Over where? Where do you want me to look? ‘Cause, I have to say, I can’t find the camera!

Photographer: Over here. Sir? Can you…?

CFO: Richard… Richard…

Craig: [ holding up his keys and jingling them ] Mr. Patterson! Follow the keys!

Richard Patterson: Oh! Oh, I hear the keys! I hear the keys!

Craig: Over here!

Richard Patterson: [ turning around ] Oh, oh! There it is! I see it. Hey! Great work with the keys, Craig! [ he slaps his legs repeatedly ] I like it. I think you’ll fit in just fine here.

Craig: Thank you, Sir. That means a lot.

Photographer: Okay, Richard: Smile for the camera… and 3, 2, 1… [ she snaps the picture ] [ cut to Forbes magazine cover: “Look Who’s A Big Boy In The World Of Finance” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of