SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Office Boss


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Office Boss

Mitchell…..Kenan Thompson
Craig…..Josh Hutcherson
Richard Patterson…..Beck Bennett
Assistant…..Brooks Wheelan
CFO…..Taran Killam
Photographer…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open in Richard Patterson’s office, as new hire Craig entors with Mitchell ]

Mitchell: And, last but not least, this is Mr. Patterson’s office.

Craig: Look at the size of this place…

Mitchell: Well, Mr. Patterson is the CEO of the fastest-growing financial start-up in history. so I think he’s earned it.

Craig: Yeah, I know. I’m actually really nervous to meet him.

Mitchell: Oh, you’ll be fine. There’s just a few things you should know about him: He has the I.Q. of a genius, he loves fantasy football… [ quickly ] and he has the body of baby.

Craig: [ confused ] What was the last one?

Mitchell: Shh! Not now! He’s almost off the phone!

[ reveal Richard Patterson sitting on the floor behind a short desk, with his bare feet clapping against one another ]

Richard Patterson: Alright! Pleasure talking to you as always, Bob. You take care now. Alright. [ he tries to hang up the phone by repeatedly slapping the receiver ]

Mitchell: Mr. Patterson, uh, this is your new assistant Craig.

Craig: Hello, Sir, uh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

[ Craig extends his hand, which Mr. Patterson grabs awkwardly and attempts to balance from before sucking it ]

Mitchell: You, as well! I’ve heard nothing but excellent things about you.’

Craig: Thank you, Sir. [ to Mitchell ] Hey, Mitchell? Could I talk to you for just one second?

Mitchell: Oh, sure. What could this possibly be about? [ he smirks ]

Craig: How am I supposed to work with this guy?

Mitchell: What do you mean? Mr. Patterson is the most brilliant financial mind of our generation.

[ Mr. Patterson pounds his keyboard with his hands ]

Craig: I know, I know… but I wasn’t expecting, uh… I wasn’t expecting this.

Richard Patterson: Hey, Craig! Could you hand me those Third Quarter reports on the coffee table over there?

Craig: Uh… Yes, sir, uh… what do they look like?

Richard Patterson: You know what? Maybe it’ll just be faster if I come to you.

Craig: Are you sure?

Richard Patterson: Absolutely. [ he stands up awkwardly, smashing his face against the phone ] It’s your first day, after all. [ he takes uncoordinated and unbalanced baby steps across the room ] And I know all this paperwork can be a little confusing. [ he flings the papers around and pounds on the coffee table ] But… you’ll learn to get the hang of it. [ he grabs a folder and flings it back and forth in his hands ] Nooo, that’s not it! [ he drops it and grabs another folder ] Here it is, right here. [ he puts the folder in his mouth and slobbers on it ]

Craig: Is that all you wanted it for?

Richard Patterson: Yes! Thank you very much! [ he flings the folder back on the coffee table, nearly losing his balance ] [ Assistant enters ]

Assistant: Hey, Mr. Patterson! I have your lunch right here.

Richard Patterson: Excellent! I’ll take it on the floor.

Assistant: Alright. [ he places the tray on the floor, then exits ]

Richard Patterson: Great! [ to Craig ] Please join me and tell me a little about yourself. [ he plops himself down ]

Craig: Okay, um… Well, I, uh… I grew up in Seattle…

Richard Patterson: [ playing with his spaghetti ] Ahhh, love it!

Craig: But, I-I I moved to the East Coast when I got accepted into Yale.

Richard Patterson: Oh, Yale! I, uh… I think I’ve heard of it. [ he rubs and pounds the spaghetti on his head ]

Craig: and now, I’m just looking for some… some… [ Mr. Patterson flings spaghetti at his face ] some real world, uh, financial experience.

Richard Patterson: Oh, that’s very smart! [ he blows on his spaghetti ] [ CFO enters ]

CFO: Hey, Richard? Do you have a minute to go over a few things?

Richard Patterson: I always have time for my favorite CFO!

CFO: [ he laughs ] Okay, on 2! [ he lifts Mr. Patterson into his arms ] Now, uh… as you know, I’m meeting the Board of Directors this afternoon.

Richard Patterson: Uh-huh, I’m aware. [ he feeds spaghetti into the CFO’s mouth ]

CFO: Basically, I did some cost analysis and I’m gonna recommend that we go public in… honestly, about 6 to 8 months.

Richard Patterson: [ rubbing spaghetti into the CFO’s hair ] Alright, alright… excellent!

CFO: Well, thanks, Richard. I do appreciate that. Are we still on for tennis later?

Richard Patterson: Noooo, I can’t! My foot’s killing me, I banged it up yesterday.

CFO: Oh, no…

Craig: Oh, uh… do you want me to kiss it and make it better? I…

Richard Patterson: What?! No! I’m an adult man!

Craig: My mistake…

CFO: Oh, uh, one last thing, Richard: The photographer from Forbes is here to take your picture.

[ the Photographer enters ]

Photographer: Hello, sir! Is now a good time?

Richard Patterson: [ climbing down from the CFO’s shoulders ] Uhhhh, yes, but let’s make it quick. I have a meeting with a major Japanese investor at 10:00. Fingers crossed! [ he crosses his fingers, then intertwines them with all his other fingers ]

Photographer: Okay, just look at the camera, Sir! Okay? Alright, over here? Please?

Richard Patterson: [ facing and leaning in the wrong direction ] Over where? Where do you want me to look? ‘Cause, I have to say, I can’t find the camera!

Photographer: Over here. Sir? Can you…?

CFO: Richard… Richard…

Craig: [ holding up his keys and jingling them ] Mr. Patterson! Follow the keys!

Richard Patterson: Oh! Oh, I hear the keys! I hear the keys!

Craig: Over here!

Richard Patterson: [ turning around ] Oh, oh! There it is! I see it. Hey! Great work with the keys, Craig! [ he slaps his legs repeatedly ] I like it. I think you’ll fit in just fine here.

Craig: Thank you, Sir. That means a lot.

Photographer: Okay, Richard: Smile for the camera… and 3, 2, 1… [ she snaps the picture ] [ cut to Forbes magazine cover: “Look Who’s A Big Boy In The World Of Finance” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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