SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Investigative Report


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Investigative Report

Winston Sam Bass…..Mike O’Brien
Lance Sam Bass…..Josh Hutcherson

[ open on Winston Sam Bass, Investigative Reporter standing on the street ]

Winston Sam Bass: Good afternoon! You know how, when you see bugs, they’re always running? You ever wanted to ask them: “Where the heck do YOU gotta be?” Tonight, we DO! [ he imitates tense action music ] [ play foottage of Winston searching high and low for bugs ] [ SUPER: “Bugs: Where The Heck Do You Gotta Be?” ] [ cut to roach running across the pavement ]

Winston Sam Bass: This guy IS bookin’! Sir! Can I ask: What’s the rush?! [ he thrusts his microphone toward the roach ] He’s not talking.

[ cut to any running across a wall ]

Winston Sam Bass: Sir, can I ask you something? Where you headed? What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? He’s not talking… [ the ants fall off the wall ] Oh! He just jumped! I didn’t touch him, you saw it, he just jumped!

Winston Sam Bass V/O: It seemed like my day was gonna be longer than anticipated.

[ cut to a bug running across the sidewalk ]

Winston Sam Bass: Sir! Do you see these cameras? Yuo’re on TV! [ the bug keeps running ] This guy’s a fuckin’… [ he jumps to his feet as the bug runs under his leg ] Aghhh!!

Winston Sam Bass V/O: I was having NO dumb luck with these gringos… so I went up north to Spanish Harlem, to see if I couldn’t shake some trees.

[ cut to Spanish roach running across the sidewalk ]

Winston Sam Bass: Senor! Senor! Un quetunto, por favor. Where are you going, sir? Senor? Un poco momento, thank you! This guy’s wise to me — Cut it!

[ cut to Winston standing alone ]

Winston Sam Bass: And now, for a special report, let’s send it over to my little brother Lance!

[ roll footage of the two brothers mingling on the street ]

Lance Sam Bass: Hey, I’m Lance Sam Bass! I love you so much, Bro! Today, we’re gonna be talking to some bugs! [ to a slug ] Excuse me, Ma’am, can you tell us where you’re going, please? [ as the slug: ] “I’m going to the supermarket!” Well, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen — this bug is going to the supermarket!

[ return to Winston Sam Bass ]

Winston Sam Bass: Wow! first try, and he got one to talk! That’s, uh… beginner’s luck, I guess! Uh, 16 years my junior, uh… [ he notices a fire engine siren drowning him out ] [ cut to Winston Sam Bass leaning over another fast bug ]

Winston Sam Bass: Whoa, look at THIS fat ass! Sir, let me guess: Are you headed back for seconds? Oom-baba, oom-baba… Hey, maybe we could add some tuba music. [ tuba music plays over bug ] Or play him in reverse, and do a ?? noise. [ truck beep-beep plays over bug in reverse ] I don’t know… naybe I shouldn’t have done that. I used to be a lot bigger, I’ve lost a lot of weight. [ he sits down and cries ] Cut it.

[ cut to Winston eating out of the trash ]

Winston Sam Bass V/O: Though, as it turned out, my day was longer than I anticipated.

[ cut back to Winston Sam Bass ]

Winston Sam Bass: Well, that’s our show. Did you like it? I’m not sure that I did… For one thing, we never did find out where bugs are going. Whatever it is, I hope it’s for the betterment of all bugkind. Call me a hopeless romantic… call me a dummy… Just don’t… call me a dummy. [ he chokes up ] Actually… I don’t like it, my dad used to call me a dummy. [ he cries ] Cut it. Cut it. I want to try one more where I don’t cry…

[ cut to BUGS card ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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