Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Investigative Report
Winston Sam Bass…..Mike O’Brien
Lance Sam Bass…..Josh Hutcherson
[ open on Winston Sam Bass, Investigative Reporter standing on the street ]
Winston Sam Bass: Good afternoon! You know how, when you see bugs, they’re always running? You ever wanted to ask them: “Where the heck do YOU gotta be?” Tonight, we DO! [ he imitates tense action music ]
[ play foottage of Winston searching high and low for bugs ]
[ SUPER: “Bugs: Where The Heck Do You Gotta Be?” ]
[ cut to roach running across the pavement ]
Winston Sam Bass: This guy IS bookin’! Sir! Can I ask: What’s the rush?! [ he thrusts his microphone toward the roach ] He’s not talking.
[ cut to any running across a wall ]
Winston Sam Bass: Sir, can I ask you something? Where you headed? What’s the rush? Where’s the fire? He’s not talking… [ the ants fall off the wall ] Oh! He just jumped! I didn’t touch him, you saw it, he just jumped!
Winston Sam Bass V/O: It seemed like my day was gonna be longer than anticipated.
[ cut to a bug running across the sidewalk ]
Winston Sam Bass: Sir! Do you see these cameras? Yuo’re on TV! [ the bug keeps running ] This guy’s a fuckin’… [ he jumps to his feet as the bug runs under his leg ] Aghhh!!
Winston Sam Bass V/O: I was having NO dumb luck with these gringos… so I went up north to Spanish Harlem, to see if I couldn’t shake some trees.
[ cut to Spanish roach running across the sidewalk ]
Winston Sam Bass: Senor! Senor! Un quetunto, por favor. Where are you going, sir? Senor? Un poco momento, thank you! This guy’s wise to me — Cut it!
[ cut to Winston standing alone ]
Winston Sam Bass: And now, for a special report, let’s send it over to my little brother Lance!
[ roll footage of the two brothers mingling on the street ]
Lance Sam Bass: Hey, I’m Lance Sam Bass! I love you so much, Bro! Today, we’re gonna be talking to some bugs! [ to a slug ] Excuse me, Ma’am, can you tell us where you’re going, please? [ as the slug: ] “I’m going to the supermarket!” Well, you heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen — this bug is going to the supermarket!
[ return to Winston Sam Bass ]
Winston Sam Bass: Wow! first try, and he got one to talk! That’s, uh… beginner’s luck, I guess! Uh, 16 years my junior, uh… [ he notices a fire engine siren drowning him out ]
[ cut to Winston Sam Bass leaning over another fast bug ]
Winston Sam Bass: Whoa, look at THIS fat ass! Sir, let me guess: Are you headed back for seconds? Oom-baba, oom-baba… Hey, maybe we could add some tuba music. [ tuba music plays over bug ] Or play him in reverse, and do a ?? noise. [ truck beep-beep plays over bug in reverse ] I don’t know… naybe I shouldn’t have done that. I used to be a lot bigger, I’ve lost a lot of weight. [ he sits down and cries ] Cut it.
[ cut to Winston eating out of the trash ]
Winston Sam Bass V/O: Though, as it turned out, my day was longer than I anticipated.
[ cut back to Winston Sam Bass ]
Winston Sam Bass: Well, that’s our show. Did you like it? I’m not sure that I did… For one thing, we never did find out where bugs are going. Whatever it is, I hope it’s for the betterment of all bugkind. Call me a hopeless romantic… call me a dummy… Just don’t… call me a dummy. [ he chokes up ] Actually… I don’t like it, my dad used to call me a dummy. [ he cries ] Cut it. Cut it. I want to try one more where I don’t cry…
[ cut to BUGS card ]
[ fade ]
