Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Josh Hutcherson’s Monologue
70s Swinger……Kenan Thompson
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen Josh Hutcherson!
Josh Hutcherson: Thank you! Thank you, guys, so so much! I, uh, I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! Ah, [ audience cheers ] Thank you! Thank you. I, uh, you know, it’s almost Thanksgiving. And I, uh, I just turned twenty one. [ audience cheers and claps ] So that’s great. I’m, I *will* be drinking wine… at the, uh, kids table this year. So, I’m very excited. You guys probably most know me from ‘The Hunger Games’. [ the audience cheers and claps ] Alright, Alright. I, uh, I play Peeta. The brave young hero who immediately gets hurt and has to be carried around for the rest of the movie. And also, I’m very lucky that some of the members of the cast tonight are huge Hunger Games fans themselves.[ Kate McKinnon, dressed up as Effie Trinket in her purple outfit from the first movie, rushes over to the stage with a plastic bowl full of paper slips ]
Kate McKinnon: Oh, you don’t know the half of it, Josh! Woo!
Josh Hutcherson: Uhh, wow. That’s uh, that’s an intense costume.
Kate McKinnon: [ excited ] Oh this? That’s just something I had lying around. Just in case you ever hosted. Which you are. Aaah! [ clenches her fist ] Yah!
Josh Hutcherson: I… what’s, what’s with the bowl here?
Kate McKinnon: Oh. Well, in honor of you hosting tonight we are starting a new tradition. We’re going to draw the name of one male and one female cast member and they will come on stage and fight *to the death*![ the audience laughs and a few cheer ]
Josh Hutcherson: Uhh, I don’t, I don’t think we need to do that.
Kate McKinnon: Yes we do! And don’t worry. Don’t worry, everyone is very excited![ cut to offstage where a bunch of cast members in plain clothing who look wide-eyed and unenthusiastic, then cut back to Josh onstage ]
Josh Hutcherson: Yeah, they don’t seem that excited, Kate.
Kate McKinnon: Nonsense! Now we’ll begin with the ladies. [ she rummages through the bowl of slips ] [ cut to the cast members, including Noël Wells who is dressed up like Prim Everdeen from ‘The Hunger Games’ ]
Noël Wells: [ nervous ] Oh. Oh, I hope I don’t get chosen!
Vanessa Bayer: [ comforting ] Don’t worry, Noël. It’s your first year. Your name is only in the bowl once.[ cut to the stage with Kate and Josh ]
Kate McKinnon: [ reading a slip of paper ] Noël Wells![ Noël looks shocked but walks to the front stage ]
Josh Hutcherson: Noël, I’m really sorry.
Noël Wells: [sighs] Well, on the bright side I’ll get extra stage time.
Cecily Strong: [ steps on stage, blocks Noël, and speaks in a low voice ] I volunteer! I volunteer as tribute.[ Vanessa is, of course, wearing the same kind of dress Katniss Everdeen wore in the first Hunger Games movie. She’s also carrying a huge bow. Noël leaves the stage ]
Kate McKinnon: We have a volunteer!
Josh Hutcherson: Uh, Cecily why are you carrying a bow and arrow?
Cecily Strong: It’s New York City, baby. It’s a friggin’ jungle out there.
Kate McKinnon: Alright, and now for the male. [ she digs through the bowl of slips and pulls out a set of keys ] Wait, are these someone’s keys?[ a 70s swinger type of guy walks on stage ]
70s Swinger: Oh, those are actually mine. I’m sorry, I though this was gonna be something else.[ the audience laughs and applauds as he struts off the stage ]
Kate McKinnon: Alright, moving on. Although ultimately I might want to get in on that key thing later. But we’re moving on. Moving on to the male cast member… which is [ she finally pulls a slip of paper from the bowl ] Bobby Moynihan![ Off stage with the other cast members, Bobby Moynihan pulls up a trident, similar to the one used by Finnick Odair in the second movie ]
Bobby Moynihan: [ laughs darkly ] Oh, it’s on now!
Josh Hutcherson: Okay, guys, guys stop. Come on, we can’t start the show like this. After all, ‘The Hunger Games; is just a movie.
Kate McKinnon: And a book!
Josh Hutcherson: It’s a book? [ audience laughs ]
Kate McKinnon: Yeah![ back offstage with the other cast mates ]
Bobby Moynihan: Yeah, Josh relax. I mean, we’re totally joking around. Obviously we’re not going to kill each other. We’re like a family. [ suddenly he’s shot in the chest with an arrow ] OHHH GAAHHH! [ he stumbles back and falls down ] [ onstage, Cecily has her hands in a “recently shot her bow” position and she looks shocked ]
Cecily Strong: Oh my God. I just shot my friend… and it felt incredible!
Kate McKinnon: We have a winner!
Josh Hutcherson: Well, you know, congratulations. I, uh, I guess you’re a lot like me. You’re a fighter so…[ He raises his arm and high fives Cecily ]
Josh Hutcherson: Gah! [ he pulls back his hand quickly ] That, what the hell? That hurt!
Cecily Strong: I barely hit you.
Josh Hutcherson: Well, I’m easily injured! Okay? Now you’re going to have to carry me to the next sketch.
Cecily Strong: Oh my God. Alright. [ she bends down a bit, patting her shoulders ] Come on.
Josh Hutcherson: Thank you.[ Josh climbs onto her back, with Kate trying to help a bit. Seems like Cecily is holding him pretty well. The audience cheers ]
Josh Hutcherson: Oh! We have a great show for you tonight! HAIM is here! So, everybody stick around and we’ll be right back.[ Josh mimes a whipping motion as Cecily carries him off stage. Meanwhile, the 70s Swinger has come back to escort Kate offstage ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.