SNL Transcripts: Josh Hutcherson: 11/23/13: Thanksgiving Guest

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 7

13g: Josh Hutcherson / HAIM

Thanksgiving Guest

Mom…..Aidy Bryant
Dad…..Taran Killam
Brother…..Kyle Mooney
Todd…..Bobby Moynihan
Trey…..Josh Hutcherson
Elise…..Vanesa Bayer

[ fade in on a dining room set up for Thanksgiving dinner ]

Mom: Boys, come on, settle down. Trey’s gonna be home any minute from college and then we can eat. And we can meet his new girlfriend, Elise.

Dad: He’s being so secretive about her.

Mom: Well, that’s because you hate every girl he brings home!

Dad: That is not true.

Todd: Umm, it *is* true, dad.

[ the doorbell rings ]

Brother: That’s Trey! I’ll get! I’ll get it!

[ he rushes over to open the door ]

Trey: Hi guys, how are you!

Family: Hey!

[ Trey’s brother hugs him as he walks inside.]

Mom: So where’s Elise, we wanna meet her!

Trey: She’s right behind me. Come on in, baby.

[ he steps aside and waves in a large, smiling female turkey ]

Elise: Hi everyone! I’m Elise. Oh my gosh, thank you for having me! Wow. I love your house, it is so beautiful.

Mom: Oh. Thank you. You’re uh… I didn’t know you were a turkey.

Dad: A GUEST! In our home, dear. Right?

Mom: Yes, yes.

Trey: Come on, guys. Elise and I have been traveling all day. Let’s have some food.

Dad: Yes! Yes. Sit, sit. Everyone.

[ everyone sits down ]

Trey: She’s beautiful. Right?

Elise: You’re sweet.

[ she leans over and kisses him and he strokes her feathery stomach. They’re being overall coupley. Cut to a stunned looking Todd and brother ]

Brother: Is Trey,,, is Trey dating a turkey?

[ Todd nods curtly ]

Elise: Smells wonderful. What are we having?

Dad: Oh. Uh, to eat? Umm. Uh, yams! Some, some green beans.

Mom: Uh, some rolls. Some butter for the rolls. Uh, what else?

Brother: Glazed carrots!

Elise: And what’s under here?

[ she pulls off the silver cover from the platter in the center ]

Dad: Elise no!

Mom: No!

[ there’s a roast turkey under there and Elise is so shocked that she faints ]

Trey: Dad, what are you trying to do!?

Dad: It’s Thanksgiving! I didn’t know your girlfriend was a God danged turkey!

Trey: Someone help me pick her up. She weighs a ton!

Todd: I’ll tell you why she weighs a ton. ‘Cus she’s mostly breast meat. Hotsy totsy!

Mom: [ bangs fist on the table ] TODD, NO!

Elise: [ dazed ] Oh, what happened? Where am I?

Trey: Here, have some corn, okay? You’ll feel better.

[ Trey holds out some corn in his hand and Elise pecks at it ]

Trey: Feeling better? You scared me there for a second!

Elise: Yeah, you know, um… I’ve never had it cooked before. It’s good. You know, um, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m a big girl and I know what this is.

Trey: We don’t have to stay. This is my fault.

Elise: No, no. I love you Trey. And… I’m here to meet your family. [ cut to Trey’s parents who smile ] This is a special day for them so let’s all of us sit down and… [Trey brushes the top of her feathery head ] And have some turkey.

Trey: You sure you wanna do this?

Elise: Yeah. I’m positive.

Trey: [ gestures to the turkey on the table ] This, this was your neighbor. It’s weird.

Elise: Yeah, well. I barely knew the guy so…

Trey: Okay. Okay.

[ Elise and Troy sit back down ]

Elise: This meal looks wonderful. And I can’t wait.

Dad: Well, thank you, Elise. It is wonderful and… I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.

Elise: I’m sure I will.

Dad: Well, let’s go! [ pulls out an electric saw ans starts slicing away ]

Trey: [ puts his hands on Elise ] You okay?

Elise: I’m fine.

Dad: Here goes the first leg! [ He grunts and pieces of turkey fly at Elise ]

Trey: You, you still okay?

Elise: [ tense ] Oh yes.

Dad: You, uh, Elise you want some stuffing, right? [ he jams a spoon into the turkey cavity ]

Elise: No! I can’t do this anymore! [ she gets up and looks at Trey ] I can’t! I love you but I can’t! Goodbye. Lose my number!

[ Elise runs off ]

Trey: Elise, please come back!

[ cut to outside as we hear Trey’s voiceover ]

Trey: Thanks a lot dad!

Dad: Well…

[ the shot outside shows a real turkey coming out of a house door ] [ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

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