Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
Mom: Boys, come on, settle down. Trey’s gonna be home any minute from college and then we can eat. And we can meet his new girlfriend, Elise.
Dad: He’s being so secretive about her.
Mom: Well, that’s because you hate every girl he brings home!
Dad: That is not true.
Todd: Umm, it *is* true, dad.[ the doorbell rings ]
Brother: That’s Trey! I’ll get! I’ll get it!
Trey: Hi guys, how are you!
Family: Hey![ Trey’s brother hugs him as he walks inside.]
Mom: So where’s Elise, we wanna meet her!
Trey: She’s right behind me. Come on in, baby.[ he steps aside and waves in a large, smiling female turkey ]
Elise: Hi everyone! I’m Elise. Oh my gosh, thank you for having me! Wow. I love your house, it is so beautiful.
Mom: Oh. Thank you. You’re uh… I didn’t know you were a turkey.
Dad: A GUEST! In our home, dear. Right?
Mom: Yes, yes.
Trey: Come on, guys. Elise and I have been traveling all day. Let’s have some food.
Dad: Yes! Yes. Sit, sit. Everyone.[ everyone sits down ]
Trey: She’s beautiful. Right?
Elise: You’re sweet.
Brother: Is Trey,,, is Trey dating a turkey?[ Todd nods curtly ]
Elise: Smells wonderful. What are we having?
Dad: Oh. Uh, to eat? Umm. Uh, yams! Some, some green beans.
Mom: Uh, some rolls. Some butter for the rolls. Uh, what else?
Brother: Glazed carrots!
Elise: And what’s under here?[ she pulls off the silver cover from the platter in the center ]
Dad: Elise no!
Mom: No![ there’s a roast turkey under there and Elise is so shocked that she faints ]
Trey: Dad, what are you trying to do!?
Dad: It’s Thanksgiving! I didn’t know your girlfriend was a God danged turkey!
Trey: Someone help me pick her up. She weighs a ton!
Todd: I’ll tell you why she weighs a ton. ‘Cus she’s mostly breast meat. Hotsy totsy!
Mom: [ bangs fist on the table ] TODD, NO!
Elise: [ dazed ] Oh, what happened? Where am I?
Trey: Here, have some corn, okay? You’ll feel better.[ Trey holds out some corn in his hand and Elise pecks at it ]
Trey: Feeling better? You scared me there for a second!
Elise: Yeah, you know, um… I’ve never had it cooked before. It’s good. You know, um, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make a scene. I’m a big girl and I know what this is.
Trey: We don’t have to stay. This is my fault.
Elise: No, no. I love you Trey. And… I’m here to meet your family. [ cut to Trey’s parents who smile ] This is a special day for them so let’s all of us sit down and… [Trey brushes the top of her feathery head ] And have some turkey.
Trey: You sure you wanna do this?
Elise: Yeah. I’m positive.
Trey: [ gestures to the turkey on the table ] This, this was your neighbor. It’s weird.
Elise: Yeah, well. I barely knew the guy so…
Trey: Okay. Okay.[ Elise and Troy sit back down ]
Elise: This meal looks wonderful. And I can’t wait.
Dad: Well, thank you, Elise. It is wonderful and… I think you’re going to be pleasantly surprised.
Elise: I’m sure I will.
Dad: Well, let’s go! [ pulls out an electric saw ans starts slicing away ]
Trey: [ puts his hands on Elise ] You okay?
Elise: I’m fine.
Dad: Here goes the first leg! [ He grunts and pieces of turkey fly at Elise ]
Trey: You, you still okay?
Elise: [ tense ] Oh yes.
Dad: You, uh, Elise you want some stuffing, right? [ he jams a spoon into the turkey cavity ]
Elise: No! I can’t do this anymore! [ she gets up and looks at Trey ] I can’t! I love you but I can’t! Goodbye. Lose my number![ Elise runs off ]
Trey: Elise, please come back![ cut to outside as we hear Trey’s voiceover ]
Trey: Thanks a lot dad!
Dad: Well…[ the shot outside shows a real turkey coming out of a house door ] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Sunnie S.