Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 7
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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
…..Seth Meyers
…..Cecily Strong
The Worst Lady on an Airplane…..Aidy Bryant
Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.
Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong!
Seth Meyers: And here are tonight’s top stories!
Seth Meyers: After Democrats, this week, changed the rules in the Senate limiting filibusters, Minority Leader Mitch McConnell warned the Democrats that they will “regret” changing the rules “sooner than you think.” And then he laughed maniacally and flew away on a ladder hanging from a helicopter.”
President Obama, this week, honored 16 people with the Medal of Freedom, including Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey. as well as his 14 other remaining supporters.
Cecily Strong: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said in an interview this week that he would have admitted to smoking crack sooner if anyone had asked him the question: “Have you smoked crack?”, rather than “Do you smoke crack?” And much sooner if anyone had simply asked: “Would you like some crack?”
During a Toronto City Council meeting in which members stripped Rob Ford of most of his powers, the controversial Mayor charged the gallery and ran over a female council member — before he was finally brought down by the third dart.
Insiders are saying that Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise may soon be reunited in a new movie. Nicholson plays a former president, and Cruise plays a secret service agent who is made to appear taller through camera tricks.
Seth Meyers: It was reported that police were called three times to respond to complaints about a recent party Justin Bieber threw. And each time, the complaint was the same: “No one came to my party.”
More than 800 people submitted ideas for a contest to develop a new type of condom to increase their use, including one with pull tabs so they can be put on more easily. Though, is anyone really saying, ‘This is too difficult, I’ll just raise a child”?
Cecily Strong: The Denver Post, this, week announced that they are looking for a marijuana editor for their website. They have one, they’re just looking for him.A new store has opened in the Chelsea section of New York City, called “The Splash Sexy Boutique”, that will sell coffee, alcohol, and sex toys. “Terrific!” said a tired, alcoholic pervert.
Seth Meyers: Well, the holidays are approaching, which means many people are traveling across the country to visit family and friends. Here with some helpful travel tips: The Worst Lady on an Airplane.
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Oh… oh… Seth, hi!
Seth Meyers: Now, uh, Worst Lady on an Airplane, I noticed right away you’re wearing a neck pillow. Are you about to take a flight?
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Ohhh, I’ve been wearing it so long, I can no longer support my own head! Yes, the muscles have atrophied! Doctors call the condition “Baby Neck!”
Seth Meyers: Oh, no! So, I have to ask: Do you have any tips for people traveling this holiday season?
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Oh, yes! Tip #1: Luggage is for Looooooooo-serrrrrrrs. You won’t see me trying to jam a suitcase into the overhead bin — I carry everything in loose plastic bags! Let’s see: One for clothes, one for toiletries, and one for loose pills!
Seth Meyers: Okay! What else?
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Hmm… Tip #2: Plan you meals ahead of time. I’m not going to wait for the food cart to stop at every single row. Why take the local, when you can take the Panda Express?
Seth Meyers: Oh, no… You bring Chinese food on the plane?
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: No, Seth — I bring it everywhere! I always get Chicken and Broccoli. I only eat the chicken, and I leave the broccoli on the tray table to cover up my farts!
Seth Meyers: That seems like a lateral move, smell-wise! What else?
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Well, Tip #4: If you want extra leg room, use my little secret: Set up shop IN THE BATHROOM! I turn that BITCH into my own SLEEPER CAR! You can bang on the door all you want, pal, there are NO vacancies at the Hotel Occupado!
Seth Meyers: Oh, boy…
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Yes! Yes! [ laughing ] Now, Tip #4: Bring Your Own Entertainment. I open my very own 28-inch Dell laptop. I plug in my headphones, and I just CACKLE at the top of my dang lungs! NOTHING is more relaxing than the sound of unexplained adult laughter! “Excuse me, Ma’am, can you keep it down?” “I don’t know — Can you make Monsters University less hilarious?!” Then, if they complain again, I just pop in a porn-oooo! That’ll clear out the first row faster than you can say “Tuna and egg sandwich”, which I also have in here!
Seth Meyers: Oh, no! You have a second meal?!
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: Yes! I’m very cool! Now, always ahow them who’s boss. That’s Tip #5. Now, I turn my phone OFF before take-off, but I continue to scream into it! When the stewardess comes by to reprimand me, I show her it’s been off the whole time! SHE’s the LOSER; now I HAVE THE POWER!!
Seth Meyers: Okay, you need to relax!
The Worst Lady on an Airplane: FINE!! If you need me, Seth, I’ll be sleeping AND smoking in the bathroom!
Seth Meyers: I don’t see any reason why I’ll need you… The Worst Lady on an Airplane, everybody!
Cecily Strong: People Magazine has named Adam Levine as this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” So better luck next year, Maroons 2 through 5.
A Costco in California was criticized for filing Bibles under Fiction in their book section. But no matter where it was filed, you can’t beat 12 bibles for $10.99.
Seth Meyers: A Florida doctor may lose his license after it was revealed that he used “punishment therapy,” including using blindfolds, whips, and handcuffs to treat depression in one of his female patients. Said the doctor: “Joke’s on you; I never had a license!:
Paramount Pictures, which owns the rights to “It’s a Wonderful Life”, said this week that, despite rumors, that they will not produce a sequel to the holiday classic. Which is kind of a shame, because I was looking forward to seeing “2 Wonderful 2 Life.”
Rodney Dangerfield’s widow revealed, this week, that she keeps a bottle of her late husband’s sweat in her refrigerator. Said a recent houseguest: “Wait! What did the bottle look like?!”
Cecily Strong: More than 850 schoolchildren in Thailand set a new world record by creating the largest human Christmas tree ever. Elsewhere in Thailand, the world’s largest human menorah is still looking for a fourth.
A lawmaker in Pennsylvania has introduced legislation that would help slow the exploding coyote population by paying hunters $25 for every one they kill. Said the lawmaker who introduced the bill: [ image: Road Runner ] “Meep meep!”
Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!
Cecily Strong: I’m Cecily Strong! Good night!
