SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Bill Brasky


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Bill Brasky

Hank…..Will Ferrell
Salesman #1…..David Koechner
Salesman #2…..Paul Rudd
Salesman #3…..Taran Killam
Employee…..Cecily Strong
Salesman #4…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on three salesmen sitting at a counter drinking large tumblers of beer ]

Hank: …I told the client: “You either buy this copier, or I’ll shoot you in the leg with this crossbow!”

Salesman #1: Right, you’d do it! So what’d he do?

Hank: He said, “I’m 9 years old, I don’t have money!”

[ they all laugh and toast their glasses ]

Salesman #2: Hey, guys, excuse me — Did I hear someone say they sell copiers? I sell toner!

Hank: Then I want to have a drink with you!

[ they all clink their glasses ]

Salesman #2: Hey! Do any of you know a salesman by the name of Bill Brasky?

Salesman #1: I know Bill Brasky! Best damn salesman in the business!

Hank: Bill Brasky was best man at my wedding! And by “best man”, I mean he got drunk, too a dump on the wedding cake, and made love to my wife in a water fountain!

Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!


Salesman #1: Brasky’s testicles have an I.Q. of 91!

Salesman #4: He was divorced NINE TIMES!! FIFTEEN, if you count the OTHER six women he married!

Salesman #2: His wristwatch is set to Hell Time!

Hank: I sneak into hsopitals and kiss coma patients!

[ extended silence ]

Salesman #1: TO BILL BRASKY!!


Salesman #2: Brasky’s colonoscopy tape got higher ratings than “How I Met Your Mother”!

Salesman #3: Brasky’s ejaculate can cure leprosy!

Salesman #1: I wish I had leprosy!

Hank: Brasky’s first words as a baby were: “Grab your clothes and BEAT IT, Sweetheart!”

Salesman #3: Brasky once punched a bald eagle because he wasn’t AMERICAN enough!

Hank: Brasky gave AIDS back to the monkeys!

Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!


[ an employee steps forward ]

Employee: Uh, excuse me. You gentlemen need to keep it down — This is a Chuck E. Cheese’s, and you’re scaring the kids!

Hank: Listen! Why don’t you close your legs, before a BAT flies out of your BABY HATCH, lady?!

Employee: You are awful, AWFUL men! [ she runs off ]

Salesman #1: Shut your HOLE, Woman, you’re EMBARRASSING yourself!

Salesman #2: My favorite Brasky story was the time he played Santa Claus at the office Christmas party…!

Salesman #1: Last night I made sweet, passionate love to a box of Kleenex!

Salesman #2: Anyway! Brasky says: “No one in this office gets any preents, you’ve ALL been naughty!!” Then he imprisons us all in the boiler room, where we made Nike sneakers for a month!

[ they all laugh ]

Salesman #3: Brasky gives out RAW SCALLOPS and DUTCH PORNOGRAPHY for Halloween!

Hank: His urine stream is SO strong, it can cut through an uncooked steak! And I’ve seen him do it!

Salesman #2: I ATE that steak!

Salesman #1: He once DATE-RAPED Karl Malone on a DARE!!

Salesman #2: I actively worship the Devil!

[ extended silence ]



Salesman #3: Brasky circumsized me with a giant tuna fish can while we were on a trampoline!

Hank: [ yells unintelligibly ]

Salesman #2: Donald Trump’s HAIR is jealous of Brasky’s PUBES!

Saleman #4: [ stumbling forward ] Hey, are you guys talking about BILL BRASKY?!

[ they all yell unintelligibly ]

Salesman #4: Brasky called me the true meaning of KWANZAA!

Hank: I wanna buy you a round!

[ they all wrap their arms around one another and drink ] [ cut to wide shot of room, looking over Brasky’s high shoulder ]

Voice: Did someone say “Bill Brasky”?!


[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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