Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 8
13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction
Bill Brasky
Hank…..Will Ferrell
Salesman #1…..David Koechner
Salesman #2…..Paul Rudd
Salesman #3…..Taran Killam
Employee…..Cecily Strong
Salesman #4…..Kenan Thompson
[ open on three salesmen sitting at a counter drinking large tumblers of beer ]
Hank: …I told the client: “You either buy this copier, or I’ll shoot you in the leg with this crossbow!”
Salesman #1: Right, you’d do it! So what’d he do?
Hank: He said, “I’m 9 years old, I don’t have money!”
[ they all laugh and toast their glasses ]
Salesman #2: Hey, guys, excuse me — Did I hear someone say they sell copiers? I sell toner!
Hank: Then I want to have a drink with you!
[ they all clink their glasses ]
Salesman #2: Hey! Do any of you know a salesman by the name of Bill Brasky?
Salesman #1: I know Bill Brasky! Best damn salesman in the business!
Hank: Bill Brasky was best man at my wedding! And by “best man”, I mean he got drunk, too a dump on the wedding cake, and made love to my wife in a water fountain!
Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
Salesman #1: Brasky’s testicles have an I.Q. of 91!
Salesman #4: He was divorced NINE TIMES!! FIFTEEN, if you count the OTHER six women he married!
Salesman #2: His wristwatch is set to Hell Time!
Hank: I sneak into hsopitals and kiss coma patients!
[ extended silence ]
Salesman #1: TO BILL BRASKY!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
Salesman #2: Brasky’s colonoscopy tape got higher ratings than “How I Met Your Mother”!
Salesman #3: Brasky’s ejaculate can cure leprosy!
Salesman #1: I wish I had leprosy!
Hank: Brasky’s first words as a baby were: “Grab your clothes and BEAT IT, Sweetheart!”
Salesman #3: Brasky once punched a bald eagle because he wasn’t AMERICAN enough!
Hank: Brasky gave AIDS back to the monkeys!
Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
[ an employee steps forward ]
Employee: Uh, excuse me. You gentlemen need to keep it down — This is a Chuck E. Cheese’s, and you’re scaring the kids!
Hank: Listen! Why don’t you close your legs, before a BAT flies out of your BABY HATCH, lady?!
Employee: You are awful, AWFUL men! [ she runs off ]
Salesman #1: Shut your HOLE, Woman, you’re EMBARRASSING yourself!
Salesman #2: My favorite Brasky story was the time he played Santa Claus at the office Christmas party…!
Salesman #1: Last night I made sweet, passionate love to a box of Kleenex!
Salesman #2: Anyway! Brasky says: “No one in this office gets any preents, you’ve ALL been naughty!!” Then he imprisons us all in the boiler room, where we made Nike sneakers for a month!
[ they all laugh ]
Salesman #3: Brasky gives out RAW SCALLOPS and DUTCH PORNOGRAPHY for Halloween!
Hank: His urine stream is SO strong, it can cut through an uncooked steak! And I’ve seen him do it!
Salesman #2: I ATE that steak!
Salesman #1: He once DATE-RAPED Karl Malone on a DARE!!
Salesman #2: I actively worship the Devil!
[ extended silence ]
Hank: TO BILL BRASKY!!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
Salesman #3: Brasky circumsized me with a giant tuna fish can while we were on a trampoline!
Hank: [ yells unintelligibly ]
Salesman #2: Donald Trump’s HAIR is jealous of Brasky’s PUBES!
Saleman #4: [ stumbling forward ] Hey, are you guys talking about BILL BRASKY?!
[ they all yell unintelligibly ]
Salesman #4: Brasky called me the true meaning of KWANZAA!
Hank: I wanna buy you a round!
[ they all wrap their arms around one another and drink ]
[ cut to wide shot of room, looking over Brasky’s high shoulder ]
Voice: Did someone say “Bill Brasky”?!
All: BILL BRASKY!!!
[ fade ]
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