SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Bill Brasky

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Bill Brasky

Hank…..Will Ferrell
Salesman #1…..David Koechner
Salesman #2…..Paul Rudd
Salesman #3…..Taran Killam
Employee…..Cecily Strong
Salesman #4…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on three salesmen sitting at a counter drinking large tumblers of beer ]

Hank: …I told the client: “You either buy this copier, or I’ll shoot you in the leg with this crossbow!”

Salesman #1: Right, you’d do it! So what’d he do?

Hank: He said, “I’m 9 years old, I don’t have money!”

[ they all laugh and toast their glasses ]

Salesman #2: Hey, guys, excuse me — Did I hear someone say they sell copiers? I sell toner!

Hank: Then I want to have a drink with you!

[ they all clink their glasses ]

Salesman #2: Hey! Do any of you know a salesman by the name of Bill Brasky?

Salesman #1: I know Bill Brasky! Best damn salesman in the business!

Hank: Bill Brasky was best man at my wedding! And by “best man”, I mean he got drunk, too a dump on the wedding cake, and made love to my wife in a water fountain!

Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!


Salesman #1: Brasky’s testicles have an I.Q. of 91!

Salesman #4: He was divorced NINE TIMES!! FIFTEEN, if you count the OTHER six women he married!

Salesman #2: His wristwatch is set to Hell Time!

Hank: I sneak into hsopitals and kiss coma patients!

[ extended silence ]

Salesman #1: TO BILL BRASKY!!


Salesman #2: Brasky’s colonoscopy tape got higher ratings than “How I Met Your Mother”!

Salesman #3: Brasky’s ejaculate can cure leprosy!

Salesman #1: I wish I had leprosy!

Hank: Brasky’s first words as a baby were: “Grab your clothes and BEAT IT, Sweetheart!”

Salesman #3: Brasky once punched a bald eagle because he wasn’t AMERICAN enough!

Hank: Brasky gave AIDS back to the monkeys!

Salesman #2: TO BILL BRASKY!!


[ an employee steps forward ]

Employee: Uh, excuse me. You gentlemen need to keep it down — This is a Chuck E. Cheese’s, and you’re scaring the kids!

Hank: Listen! Why don’t you close your legs, before a BAT flies out of your BABY HATCH, lady?!

Employee: You are awful, AWFUL men! [ she runs off ]

Salesman #1: Shut your HOLE, Woman, you’re EMBARRASSING yourself!

Salesman #2: My favorite Brasky story was the time he played Santa Claus at the office Christmas party…!

Salesman #1: Last night I made sweet, passionate love to a box of Kleenex!

Salesman #2: Anyway! Brasky says: “No one in this office gets any preents, you’ve ALL been naughty!!” Then he imprisons us all in the boiler room, where we made Nike sneakers for a month!

[ they all laugh ]

Salesman #3: Brasky gives out RAW SCALLOPS and DUTCH PORNOGRAPHY for Halloween!

Hank: His urine stream is SO strong, it can cut through an uncooked steak! And I’ve seen him do it!

Salesman #2: I ATE that steak!

Salesman #1: He once DATE-RAPED Karl Malone on a DARE!!

Salesman #2: I actively worship the Devil!

[ extended silence ]



Salesman #3: Brasky circumsized me with a giant tuna fish can while we were on a trampoline!

Hank: [ yells unintelligibly ]

Salesman #2: Donald Trump’s HAIR is jealous of Brasky’s PUBES!

Saleman #4: [ stumbling forward ] Hey, are you guys talking about BILL BRASKY?!

[ they all yell unintelligibly ]

Salesman #4: Brasky called me the true meaning of KWANZAA!

Hank: I wanna buy you a round!

[ they all wrap their arms around one another and drink ] [ cut to wide shot of room, looking over Brasky’s high shoulder ]

Voice: Did someone say “Bill Brasky”?!


[ fade ]

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