SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Michelangelo’s David

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Michelangelo’s David

Date…..Cecily Strong
Lorenzo…..Paul Rudd
Michelangelo…..Taran Killam
Guy…..Jay Pharoah
Leonardo da Vinci…..Bobby Moynihan
Mona Lisa…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on museum exterior, with SUPER: “Septenber 8, 1504 – Florence, Italy” ] [ dissovle to interior, Lorenzo entering with his date ]

Date: This is SO exciting!

Lorenzo: Heyyyyy, quite a turnout!

Date: Lorenzo, are you really the model for Michelangelo’s new sculpture?

Lorenzo: Oh, well… I don’t want to brag, but Michelangelo said I was one of his favorites! I could do this for hours. [ he poses like the statue of David ]

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! I’ve never dated a male model before!

Michelangelo: [ entering ] Ohhh, Lorenzo, there you are!

Lorenzo: Ah, Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Everyone! Everyone! May I have your attention? HERE is the fine specimen on whom I modeled my David on. It is an EXACT replica of him, down to the very atom! Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen… I give you… The David.

[ he pulls off the tarp, revealing the statue of David with a very noticably small penis ]

Date: Oh, my God…

Lorenzo: Dude! What the heck is this?!

Michelangelo: [ innocently ] What do you mean? It’s my masterpiece!

Lorenzo: Uh, yeah… but, but, but why did you give it such a small penis?!

Michelangelo: Penis?

Lorenzo: Yeah, you gavew me the world’s TINIEST penis! Look at it, it’s like a baby’s pinkie!

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, I just sculpted what I saw

Lorenzo: Well, you could have at least enhanced it a little!

Michelangelo: I… thought I did.

Lorenzo: [ nervously ] He’s kidding, baby! Nah, look, come on! Look at the hands! You know what they say about a man and his hands…?

Date: No. I can see it.

Guy: [ peeking into frame ] Really? I can’t! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, my boy, please don’t be upset. Just think: Everyone in the WORLD will know you by this sculpture! You are immortalized!

Lorenzo: Yeah, but that’s what I’m worried about! Someday my KIDS are gonna see this!

Michelangelo: Oh, I don’t know if you’re going to be able to have children! [ he laughs ]

Date: Yeah, I mean… it doesn’t even reach past the balls

Lorenzo: Look, Michelangelo — Couldn’t you cover it with a fig leaf or something?

Michelangelo: Well, I mean… I don’t think I’ll need a whole leaf…

Date: Maybe a fig twig!

[ Michelangelo high-fives her wit ]

Michelangelo: My sistah!

Lorenzo: Not cool!

Leonardo da Vinci: [ entering ] Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Ohhhh, Leonardo! I’m so glad you could make it!

Leonardo da Vinci: I believe this is your finest work! I love that the figure is so contemplative, like he’s thinking: “Where’s my peen?!” Or “How will I ever get laid?!” Hi-ohhhh!!

Date: [ laughing with the artists ] Oh, man! Even Mona Lisa’s smiling at you!

[ cut to Mona Lisa grinning ]

Lorenzo: Look, baby — I know what it looks like. But, trust me: I’m a grow-er, not a show-er.

Michelangelo: Interesting fact! Though the David stance is one of repose, his FULL erection actually suggests he’s ready for battle!

Date: That’s erect?

Guy: [ peeking into the frame ] Man, KILL yourself! [ he guffaws ]

Lorenzo: Alright, you know what? I’m gonna hit the open bar.

Michelangelo: No, no, but wait! Ladies and gentlemen — I will now unveil the twin to The David… The Goliath.

[ Michelangelo pulls back the tarp from a second sculpture — a man leaning over David’s penis while holding a magnifying glass to it ]

Guy: [ peeking into frame between the sculptures ] Oh, you GOTTA kill yourself now! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Oh, Lorenzo… please… please don’t worry, I’ll make this right. I’ve decided I’m going to make you the model for Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Lorenzo: [ he sighs ] Alright.

[ cut to The Creation of Man, revealing Adam with a tiny penis ]

Lorenzo V/O: Oh, COME ON, man!

[ fade ]

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