SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Michelangelo’s David


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Michelangelo’s David

Date…..Cecily Strong
Lorenzo…..Paul Rudd
Michelangelo…..Taran Killam
Guy…..Jay Pharoah
Leonardo da Vinci…..Bobby Moynihan
Mona Lisa…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on museum exterior, with SUPER: “Septenber 8, 1504 – Florence, Italy” ] [ dissovle to interior, Lorenzo entering with his date ]

Date: This is SO exciting!

Lorenzo: Heyyyyy, quite a turnout!

Date: Lorenzo, are you really the model for Michelangelo’s new sculpture?

Lorenzo: Oh, well… I don’t want to brag, but Michelangelo said I was one of his favorites! I could do this for hours. [ he poses like the statue of David ]

Date: [ impressed ] Wow! I’ve never dated a male model before!

Michelangelo: [ entering ] Ohhh, Lorenzo, there you are!

Lorenzo: Ah, Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Everyone! Everyone! May I have your attention? HERE is the fine specimen on whom I modeled my David on. It is an EXACT replica of him, down to the very atom! Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen… I give you… The David.

[ he pulls off the tarp, revealing the statue of David with a very noticably small penis ]

Date: Oh, my God…

Lorenzo: Dude! What the heck is this?!

Michelangelo: [ innocently ] What do you mean? It’s my masterpiece!

Lorenzo: Uh, yeah… but, but, but why did you give it such a small penis?!

Michelangelo: Penis?

Lorenzo: Yeah, you gavew me the world’s TINIEST penis! Look at it, it’s like a baby’s pinkie!

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, I just sculpted what I saw

Lorenzo: Well, you could have at least enhanced it a little!

Michelangelo: I… thought I did.

Lorenzo: [ nervously ] He’s kidding, baby! Nah, look, come on! Look at the hands! You know what they say about a man and his hands…?

Date: No. I can see it.

Guy: [ peeking into frame ] Really? I can’t! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Lorenzo, my boy, please don’t be upset. Just think: Everyone in the WORLD will know you by this sculpture! You are immortalized!

Lorenzo: Yeah, but that’s what I’m worried about! Someday my KIDS are gonna see this!

Michelangelo: Oh, I don’t know if you’re going to be able to have children! [ he laughs ]

Date: Yeah, I mean… it doesn’t even reach past the balls

Lorenzo: Look, Michelangelo — Couldn’t you cover it with a fig leaf or something?

Michelangelo: Well, I mean… I don’t think I’ll need a whole leaf…

Date: Maybe a fig twig!

[ Michelangelo high-fives her wit ]

Michelangelo: My sistah!

Lorenzo: Not cool!

Leonardo da Vinci: [ entering ] Michelangelo!

Michelangelo: Ohhhh, Leonardo! I’m so glad you could make it!

Leonardo da Vinci: I believe this is your finest work! I love that the figure is so contemplative, like he’s thinking: “Where’s my peen?!” Or “How will I ever get laid?!” Hi-ohhhh!!

Date: [ laughing with the artists ] Oh, man! Even Mona Lisa’s smiling at you!

[ cut to Mona Lisa grinning ]

Lorenzo: Look, baby — I know what it looks like. But, trust me: I’m a grow-er, not a show-er.

Michelangelo: Interesting fact! Though the David stance is one of repose, his FULL erection actually suggests he’s ready for battle!

Date: That’s erect?

Guy: [ peeking into the frame ] Man, KILL yourself! [ he guffaws ]

Lorenzo: Alright, you know what? I’m gonna hit the open bar.

Michelangelo: No, no, but wait! Ladies and gentlemen — I will now unveil the twin to The David… The Goliath.

[ Michelangelo pulls back the tarp from a second sculpture — a man leaning over David’s penis while holding a magnifying glass to it ]

Guy: [ peeking into frame between the sculptures ] Oh, you GOTTA kill yourself now! [ he guffaws ]

Michelangelo: Oh, Lorenzo… please… please don’t worry, I’ll make this right. I’ve decided I’m going to make you the model for Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Lorenzo: [ he sighs ] Alright.

[ cut to The Creation of Man, revealing Adam with a tiny penis ]

Lorenzo V/O: Oh, COME ON, man!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
1 Comment
Most Voted
Newest Oldest
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Jay Cara
Jay Cara
3 years ago

Bravo SNL, that whole episode was disparaging, body shaming, and harmful to an entire demographic of people.

Would love your thoughts, please comment.x