Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 8
Paul Rudd’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!
Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you very much! Oh, I tell you something, it-it is so great to be back hosting SNL for the THIRD time! [cheers] Now, I mean, really, Ill be honest with you, the first two, they were a little weird for me. Both times I was overshadowed by a musical guest. First, it was Beyonce, then it was Paul McCartney. But tonight, finally, its the Paul Rudd Show! Tonight, its all about ME!
[The girls in the audience scream with glee as the members of One Direction surround Paul on stage]
Thats right! YES! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you for the support!
Girl in Audience: I love you, Liam!!
Paul Rudd: I love you, too! She called me Liam. OK
[Harry Styles taps Paul on the shoulder; he turns around and sees Harry with his One Direction mates. Paul is crestfallen]
Oh, hey, its Harry from One Direction damn it.
[More squeals from the crowd]
Harry Styles: Dont worry, Paul, were not here to OUTSHINE you.
Niall Horan: Yeah, Paul, you just do that comedy stuff and well stand back here and pose and blow kisses and stuff.
[Niall and Harry do just that to the joy of the girls in the audience]
Paul Rudd: [annoyed] OK, you know what, you know what, I didnt want it to come to this, but Im also a bit of a singer. You brought your boy band? Well, I brought my MAN band!
[Will Ferrell, David Koechner, and Steve Carell strut in stage left to a tidal wave of cheers and applause]
Will Ferrell: Why dont ya why dont you BEAT IT, Menudo?
David Koechner: Im gonna kick your ass into space like Lance Bass!
Steve Carell: Yeah, why dont you kids go sit on Santas lap and ask for a pair of BALLS?
[The Anchorman cast is stunned at Steves outburst]
Will Ferrell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
David Koechner: Ooh, Steve!
Will Ferrell: That was harsh!
Paul Rudd: A lot of kids here! Look, look, were not-were not here to fight.
Will Ferrell: I am!
David Koechner: Yep!
Paul Rudd: Alright, Will is. But the rest of us, were here to put on a show. And I think we should work together. Will, why dont you show em where you live?
[Will steps to the front and begins to sing the Starland Vocal Bands hit Afternoon Delight]
Will Ferrell: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My mottos always been, when its right, its right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?
[Everyone on stage joins in]
All: When everythings a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be here anyway
Anchorman Cast: Thinking of yous working up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting
All: Skyrockets in flight
Will and David: Pewwww!
All: Afternoon delight!
David Koechner: Whoooop!
Will Ferrell: Thats right, youre getting it!
All: Aaaaaaafternoon Delight!
Paul Rudd: Now we are NINE Direction!
Nine Direction: Afternoon Delight!
Will Ferrell: Lets bring it home, fellas!
Nine Direction: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa afternoon delight!
[The crowd goes nuts]
Paul Rudd: Weve got a great, great show!
One Direction: Were here!
Paul Rudd: So stick around, well be right back!
Submitted by: Mario Juan