SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Paul Rudd’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..One Direction
…..Harry Styles
…..Niall Horan
…..Will Ferrell
…..David Koechner
…..Steve Carell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you very much! Oh, I tell you something, it-it is so great to be back hosting SNL for the THIRD time! [cheers] Now, I mean, really, I’ll be honest with you, the first two, they were a little weird for me. Both times I was overshadowed by a musical guest. First, it was Beyonce, then it was Paul McCartney. But tonight, finally, it’s the Paul Rudd Show! Tonight, it’s all about ME!

[The girls in the audience scream with glee as the members of One Direction surround Paul on stage]

That’s right! YES! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you for the support!

Girl in Audience: I love you, Liam!!

Paul Rudd: I love you, too! She called me Liam. OK…

[Harry Styles taps Paul on the shoulder; he turns around and sees Harry with his One Direction mates. Paul is crestfallen]

Oh, hey, it’s Harry from One Direction…damn it.

[More squeals from the crowd]

Harry Styles: Don’t worry, Paul, we’re not here to OUTSHINE you.

Niall Horan: Yeah, Paul, you just do that comedy stuff and we’ll stand back here and pose and blow kisses and stuff.

[Niall and Harry do just that to the joy of the girls in the audience]

Paul Rudd: [annoyed] OK, you know what, you know what, I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’m also a bit of a singer. You brought your boy band? Well, I brought my MAN band!

[Will Ferrell, David Koechner, and Steve Carell strut in stage left to a tidal wave of cheers and applause]

Will Ferrell: Why don’t ya…why don’t you BEAT IT, Menudo?

David Koechner: I’m gonna kick your ass into space like Lance Bass!

Steve Carell: Yeah, why don’t you kids go sit on Santa’s lap and ask for a pair of BALLS?

[The “Anchorman” cast is stunned at Steve’s outburst]

Will Ferrell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

David Koechner: Ooh, Steve!

Will Ferrell: That was harsh!

Paul Rudd: A lot of kids here! Look, look, we’re not-we’re not here to fight.

Will Ferrell: I am!

David Koechner: Yep!

Paul Rudd: Alright, Will is. But the rest of us, we’re here to put on a show. And I think we should work together. Will, why don’t you show ‘em where you live?

[Will steps to the front and begins to sing the Starland Vocal Band’s hit “Afternoon Delight”]

Will Ferrell: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been, when it’s right, it’s right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

[Everyone on stage joins in]

All: When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be here anyway…

Anchorman Cast: Thinking of you’s working up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting…

All: Skyrockets in flight…

Will and David: Pewwww!

All: Afternoon delight!

David Koechner: Whoooop!

Will Ferrell: That’s right, you’re getting it!

All: Aaaaaaafternoon Delight!

Paul Rudd: Now we are NINE Direction!

“Nine Direction”: Afternoon Delight!

Will Ferrell: Let’s bring it home, fellas!

“Nine Direction”: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa…afternoon delight!

[The crowd goes nuts]

Paul Rudd: We’ve got a great, great show!

One Direction: We’re here!

Paul Rudd: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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