SNL Transcripts: Paul Rudd: 12/07/13: Paul Rudd’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 8

13h: Paul Rudd / One Direction

Paul Rudd’s Monologue

…..Paul Rudd
…..One Direction
…..Harry Styles
…..Niall Horan
…..Will Ferrell
…..David Koechner
…..Steve Carell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Paul Rudd!

Paul Rudd: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you very much! Oh, I tell you something, it-it is so great to be back hosting SNL for the THIRD time! [cheers] Now, I mean, really, I’ll be honest with you, the first two, they were a little weird for me. Both times I was overshadowed by a musical guest. First, it was Beyonce, then it was Paul McCartney. But tonight, finally, it’s the Paul Rudd Show! Tonight, it’s all about ME!

[The girls in the audience scream with glee as the members of One Direction surround Paul on stage]

That’s right! YES! Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you for the support!

Girl in Audience: I love you, Liam!!

Paul Rudd: I love you, too! She called me Liam. OK…

[Harry Styles taps Paul on the shoulder; he turns around and sees Harry with his One Direction mates. Paul is crestfallen]

Oh, hey, it’s Harry from One Direction…damn it.

[More squeals from the crowd]

Harry Styles: Don’t worry, Paul, we’re not here to OUTSHINE you.

Niall Horan: Yeah, Paul, you just do that comedy stuff and we’ll stand back here and pose and blow kisses and stuff.

[Niall and Harry do just that to the joy of the girls in the audience]

Paul Rudd: [annoyed] OK, you know what, you know what, I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’m also a bit of a singer. You brought your boy band? Well, I brought my MAN band!

[Will Ferrell, David Koechner, and Steve Carell strut in stage left to a tidal wave of cheers and applause]

Will Ferrell: Why don’t ya…why don’t you BEAT IT, Menudo?

David Koechner: I’m gonna kick your ass into space like Lance Bass!

Steve Carell: Yeah, why don’t you kids go sit on Santa’s lap and ask for a pair of BALLS?

[The “Anchorman” cast is stunned at Steve’s outburst]

Will Ferrell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

David Koechner: Ooh, Steve!

Will Ferrell: That was harsh!

Paul Rudd: A lot of kids here! Look, look, we’re not-we’re not here to fight.

Will Ferrell: I am!

David Koechner: Yep!

Paul Rudd: Alright, Will is. But the rest of us, we’re here to put on a show. And I think we should work together. Will, why don’t you show ‘em where you live?

[Will steps to the front and begins to sing the Starland Vocal Band’s hit “Afternoon Delight”]

Will Ferrell: Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been, when it’s right, it’s right, why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

[Everyone on stage joins in]

All: When everything’s a little clearer in the light of day. And you know the night is always gonna be here anyway…

Anchorman Cast: Thinking of you’s working up my appetite, looking forward to a little afternoon delight. Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite, and the thought of loving you is getting so exciting…

All: Skyrockets in flight…

Will and David: Pewwww!

All: Afternoon delight!

David Koechner: Whoooop!

Will Ferrell: That’s right, you’re getting it!

All: Aaaaaaafternoon Delight!

Paul Rudd: Now we are NINE Direction!

“Nine Direction”: Afternoon Delight!

Will Ferrell: Let’s bring it home, fellas!

“Nine Direction”: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa…afternoon delight!

[The crowd goes nuts]

Paul Rudd: We’ve got a great, great show!

One Direction: We’re here!

Paul Rudd: So stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Mario Juan

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