SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 9

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 14th 2013

John Goodman

Kings of Leon


Robert DeNiro

Sylvester Stallone



A Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) addresses recent snafus while the interpretor (Kenan Thompson) from Nelson Mandela’s funeral makes faulty hand gestures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Angela Merkel.



John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman and Kenan Thompson sing “All I Want for Christmas is Booty”.

Guy Fieri’s Full Throttle Chrismtas SpecialSummary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) serves up dinner and fun with tons of wacky celebrity guests.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri, Kid Rock, Bret Michaels, Vern Troyer, Duane Chapman.

Dance of the SnowflakesSummary: The inner thoughts of snowflakes dancers (John Goodman, Vanessa Bayer, Kenan Thompson, Aidy Bryant) question their better judgment for performing such mediocre dance moves.


Three Wise GuysSummary: Three Wise Guys from Jersey (John Goodman, Robert DeNiro, Sylvester Stallone) follow the footsteps of the Three Wise Men to visit the Baby Jesus.

Kings of Leon perform “Temple”

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily StrongSummary: Santa Claus (Kenan Thompson) reveals that he actually is a Black man. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) discusses Christmas with his family and brings out his Drunker Uncle (John Goodman).

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.

Too HotSummary: Jenaveve Lazarra (John Goodman) sues her former boss (Beck Bennett) for firing her for being “too hot.”


Fire SafetySummary: Captain Lemkee (John Goodman) tries in vain to teach kids to stay out of the fireplace during Christmas, because Shallon’s (Nasim Pedrad) enthusiasm leads them to harm’s way.

Recurring Characters: Shallon, Ms. Filley, students.

Hallmark Channel Countdown to ChristmasSummary: A slew of ridiculously cheesy made-for-TV Christmas movies are coming to the Hallmark Channel.

Kings of Leon perform “Wait For Me”

The Christmas WhistleSummary: Patriarch (John Goodman) learns the meaning of Christmas and the value of family thanks to the “The Christmas Whistle” that the angel Bartholemew (Taran Killam) is choking on.

H&MSummary: In a rap video parody, a portly man (John Goodman) shops for tiny clothing on the cheap at H&M.

Last CallSummary: Drunken Vernon Crotcher (John Goodman) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they’re the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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