Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 9
Defense Attorney…..Taran Killam
Jenaveve Lazarra…..John Goodman
Mr. Rosenfeld…..Beck Bennett
[ open on courtroom setting ]
Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, this case is very simple: Did Mr. Rosenfeld unfairly fire my client based on her looks? The answer is Yes. And we will show that this is an open-and-shut case of sexism. My client’s termination was unfair, unprovoked, and, in a problem that is becoming all too common, she was fired for being “too hot.”
[ cut to the portly and manly Jenaveve Lazarra nodding with pouted lips ]
Judge: Defense? Your opening argument?
Defense Attorney: [ standing ] I mean… [ he points to Ms. Lazarra ]
Judge: Alright, Counselor, you have the floor.
Prosecutor: I call the Plaintiff — Miss Jenaveve Lazarra.
[ Ms. Lazarra saunters up to the bench ]
Jenaveve Lazarra: Oo-oohhh! I get to sit by the judge-ah!
Judge: Oh, yes, you DO! [ he chuckles ]
Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, why do you think Mr. Rosenfeld terminated you from his art gallery?
Jenaveve Lazarra: He found my appearance… too distracting. It was getting him all hot and bothered.
Defense Attorney: Objection! ABSURD speculation!
Judge: Well… I wouldn’t say absurd!
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!
Prosecutor: And what did Mr. Rosenthal say when you’d wear one of your sexy, stylish outfits at work?
Jenaveve Lazarra: His eyes would pop out of his head, his jaw would drop to the floor, and his tongue would roll out and he would go: A-oooooohh!!
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, objection! She’s describing a CARTOON WOLF!
Prosecutor: In summary, Jenaveve: Because of your hot, sexy, gorgeous body —
Defense Attorney: Objection! Subjective!
Prosecutor: Because of your shapely body —
Defense Attorney: Objection!
Prosecutor: Because of your body —
Defense Attorney: ObJECTion!
Prosecutor: Because of your… stuff?
[ Defense Attorney thinks, then nods ]
Prosecutor: Because of your “stuff”, you were objectified and demeaned, instead of being treated like the bright, 23-year old woman you are.
Defense Attorney: OBJECTION! [ a beat ] Say what?!
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Judge: Defense? Your lovely witness?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!!
Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra… you like attention, don’t you?
Jenaveve Lazarra: [ coyly ] Sometimessss…!
Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra, do you… enjoy sex?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Oh, YEAHHHHHH!!!
Defense Attorney: And do you… you also happen to claim that you were a “model” employee?
Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee! I’m not a model model!
Judge: [ teasing ] Well, you could’ve fooled me!
Defense Attorney: But isn’t it true you would take the drug Ecstasy — at work — and brag about it to co-workers?
Jenaveve Lazarra: [ pouty ] I plead the Fifth.
Defense Attorney: You can’t selectively plead the Fifth.
Jenaveve Lazarra: Then, I plead… Naughty! Tee-hee-hee!
Defense Attorney: And isn’t it true that over one third of the gallery’s paintings had to be thrown away because you got CHOCOLATE on them?
Jenaveve Lazarra: That’s incorrect! It was Nutella.
Judge: But you do like chocolate, don’t you? [ he laughs suggestively ]
Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the Plaintiff’s behavior was NOT appropriate in any context! She was fird because she was TOTALLY incompetent, not because she was [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “too hot”! No more questions.
Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, is it true that Mr. Rosenfeld used to BEG you to dance for him, because he “needed it”?
Defense Attorney: Objection! My client is in NO WAY susceptible to Miss Lazarr’s dancing!
Prosecutor: Alright, then. I submit Exhibit A: Miss Lazarra’s dance moves.
[ suddenly, R. Kelly’s “I’m A Flirt” begins to play, as Miss Lazarra rises to dance suggestively ]
[ in his seat, Mr. Rosenfeld begins to convulse uncomfortably and rise to his feet ]
Defense Attorney: Uh — uh — OBJECTION! YOUR HONOR! OBJECTION!
Judge: Uh-uh! OVERRULED! I like this!
[ the Judge does a double-take as he notices Mr. Rosenfeld dancing beside his bench ]
Prosecutor: Uh… Your Honor?
Judge: You know what? I rule for the Plaintiff! And I award her… one hour in my chamber! [ he bangs his gavel ]
[ fade ]