SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: Too Hot



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9
















13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

Too Hot

Judge…..Kenan Thompson
Prosecutor…..Cecily Strong
Defense Attorney…..Taran Killam
Jenaveve Lazarra…..John Goodman
Mr. Rosenfeld…..Beck Bennett

[ open on courtroom setting ]

Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen, this case is very simple: Did Mr. Rosenfeld unfairly fire my client based on her looks? The answer is Yes. And we will show that this is an open-and-shut case of sexism. My client’s termination was unfair, unprovoked, and, in a problem that is becoming all too common, she was fired for being “too hot.”

[ cut to the portly and manly Jenaveve Lazarra nodding with pouted lips ]

Judge: Defense? Your opening argument?

Defense Attorney: [ standing ] I mean… [ he points to Ms. Lazarra ]

Judge: Alright, Counselor, you have the floor.

Prosecutor: I call the Plaintiff — Miss Jenaveve Lazarra.

[ Ms. Lazarra saunters up to the bench ]

Jenaveve Lazarra: Oo-oohhh! I get to sit by the judge-ah!

Judge: Oh, yes, you DO! [ he chuckles ]

Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, why do you think Mr. Rosenfeld terminated you from his art gallery?

Jenaveve Lazarra: He found my appearance… too distracting. It was getting him all hot and bothered.

Defense Attorney: Objection! ABSURD speculation!

Judge: Well… I wouldn’t say absurd!

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!

Prosecutor: And what did Mr. Rosenthal say when you’d wear one of your sexy, stylish outfits at work?

Jenaveve Lazarra: His eyes would pop out of his head, his jaw would drop to the floor, and his tongue would roll out and he would go: A-oooooohh!!

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, objection! She’s describing a CARTOON WOLF!

Prosecutor: In summary, Jenaveve: Because of your hot, sexy, gorgeous body —

Defense Attorney: Objection! Subjective!

Prosecutor: Because of your shapely body —

Defense Attorney: Objection!

Prosecutor: Because of your body

Defense Attorney: ObJECTion!

Prosecutor: Because of your… stuff?

[ Defense Attorney thinks, then nods ]

Prosecutor: Because of your “stuff”, you were objectified and demeaned, instead of being treated like the bright, 23-year old woman you are.

Defense Attorney: OBJECTION! [ a beat ] Say what?!

Prosecutor: No further questions.

Judge: Defense? Your lovely witness?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee-hee!!

Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra… you like attention, don’t you?

Jenaveve Lazarra: [ coyly ] Sometimessss…!

Defense Attorney: Miss Lazarra, do you… enjoy sex?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Oh, YEAHHHHHH!!!

Defense Attorney: And do you… you also happen to claim that you were a “model” employee?

Jenaveve Lazarra: Tee-hee-hee! I’m not a model model!

Judge: [ teasing ] Well, you could’ve fooled me!

Defense Attorney: But isn’t it true you would take the drug Ecstasy — at work — and brag about it to co-workers?

Jenaveve Lazarra: [ pouty ] I plead the Fifth.

Defense Attorney: You can’t selectively plead the Fifth.

Jenaveve Lazarra: Then, I plead… Naughty! Tee-hee-hee!

Defense Attorney: And isn’t it true that over one third of the gallery’s paintings had to be thrown away because you got CHOCOLATE on them?

Jenaveve Lazarra: That’s incorrect! It was Nutella.

Judge: But you do like chocolate, don’t you? [ he laughs suggestively ]

Defense Attorney: Your Honor, the Plaintiff’s behavior was NOT appropriate in any context! She was fird because she was TOTALLY incompetent, not because she was [ makes quotes signs with his fingers ] “too hot”! No more questions.

Prosecutor: Miss Lazarra, is it true that Mr. Rosenfeld used to BEG you to dance for him, because he “needed it”?

Defense Attorney: Objection! My client is in NO WAY susceptible to Miss Lazarr’s dancing!

Prosecutor: Alright, then. I submit Exhibit A: Miss Lazarra’s dance moves.

[ suddenly, R. Kelly’s “I’m A Flirt” begins to play, as Miss Lazarra rises to dance suggestively ] [ in his seat, Mr. Rosenfeld begins to convulse uncomfortably and rise to his feet ]

Defense Attorney: Uh — uh — OBJECTION! YOUR HONOR! OBJECTION!

Judge: Uh-uh! OVERRULED! I like this!

[ the Judge does a double-take as he notices Mr. Rosenfeld dancing beside his bench ]

Prosecutor: Uh… Your Honor?

Judge: You know what? I rule for the Plaintiff! And I award her… one hour in my chamber! [ he bangs his gavel ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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