SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: A Message From the President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 9

13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

A Message From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Interpretor…..Kenan Thompson
Secret Service Agents…..Beck Bennett, Mike O’Brien
Angela Merkel…..Kate McKinnon

[ open on Presidential Seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Barack Obama at podium ]

President Barack Obama: Hello! Good evening! Well, tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the exciting progress we’re making on our website. Uh, but first… I’d like to address some of the controversies I encountered at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela. I feel like Lemony Snicket… because I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I mean, first… I got roped into taking a selfie with the blonde female Danish prime minister. Some people said Michelle was angry at me for that. But I talked to her afterwards, and I can assure you… she was furious! THen, I got caught shaking hands with Raoul Castro. In my defense… he told me he was Edward James Olmos. And, finally, there was a sign-language interpretor who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But those were, uhh… mere distractions! And, uh, tonight… I would like to focus instead on healthcare.

[ Mandela’s sign-language interpretor appears behind Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Now… I have been listening.

[ the interpretor holds his hand behind his ear ]

President Barack Obama: …To what Americans have been saying.

[ the interpretor makes talking motions with his hands ]

President Barack Obama: …And, uhhh… some very valid concerns are being raised.

[ the interpretor makes a “raising the roof” motion ]

President Barack Obama: But… this is not a battle that will be won overnight.

[ the interpretor mimes machine guns, then lays his hands to his face as if asleep ]

President Barack Obama: And, without a doubt… we’ve seen huge improvements… on our website.

[ the interpretor mimes “shooting the bird” at the computer ]

President Barack Obama: We’ve had our BEST people working on it!

[ the interpretor mimes the curves of an attractive woman, then gives a smiling thumbs-up ]

President Barack Obama: Our VERY BEST people!

[ the interpretor mimes those curves again, but this time gives TWO thumbs-up ]

President Barack Obama: Admn those who claim we are moving in the wrong direction… well, that’s just NONSENSE!

[ the interpretor claps his hands together, bends his middle fingers, then twists his hands around so his middle fingers are wiggling from either end ]

President Barack Obama: I mean… some folks are bound to be frustrated. But… many more are excited.

[ the intepretor waves his hand over his face to make a frown, then lowers his hand over his face to create a smile ]

President Barack Obama: And while I can’t say that I’ve been entirely thrilled with the results…

[ the intepretor mimes Thriller moves ]

President Barack Obama: …I’m just relieved that the website has been turned on again.

[ the interpretor rubs his nipples through his suit ]

President Barack Obama: [ spotting the interpretor ] Hey! What are you doing here?! [ the interptretor mimics Obama ] Please leave, Sir! [ more mimicking ] No, go away! [ more mimicking ] No, you! Not me! Okay, can we get some of our Secret Service in here?!

[ the interpretor mimes climbing a rope, as the Secret Service drag him off ]

President Barack Obama: I apologize for that. Uh, now if I may return to the subject of healthcare…

[ German Chancellor Angela Merkel steps forward ]

Angela Merkel: Yoo-hoo! It’s your favorite German chancellor, Angela Merkel!

President Barack Obama: Okay. What are you doing here?

Angela Merkel: Um… I have und favor to ask? The Danish Prime Minister has been bragging all over Northern Europe about her selfie with you. And I was joping that I could get one as well. [ she pulls out her iPhone ]

President Barack Obama: [ uncomfortable ] Uh — uh — uh, I don’t think so!

Angela Merkel: Oh, really? I kind of feel like you owe me, after the whole wiretapping-my-cellphone thing.

President Barack Obama: Okay, but make it quick.

Angela Merkel: Okay. [ she holds out her iPhone, makes a pouty face, and snaps ] Okay, zat one was serious. Now, let’s do a fun one. [ she holds out her iPhone and snaps it as Obama sticks out his tongue ] Alright! Don’t worry — I won’t guttentag that on Frassbook. That is for my own private use. Oh, was it blurry…?

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh — Security!

[ the Secret Service agents pull her away ]

Angela Merkel: I will ALWAYS love you!

President Barack Obama: Alright… [ as the Interpretor dances into frame ] Oh, great! Now, THIS guy’s back! Geez! You know what? Forget it! I guess… [ the interpretor mimics him ] I guess the only thing left to say is, uh…


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