Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 9
A Message From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama…..Jay Pharoah
Secret Service Agents…..Beck Bennett, Mike O’Brien
Angela Merkel…..Kate McKinnon
Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States.[ dissolve to Barack Obama at podium ]
President Barack Obama: Hello! Good evening! Well, tonight, I’d like to talk to you about the exciting progress we’re making on our healthcare.gov website. Uh, but first… I’d like to address some of the controversies I encountered at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela. I feel like Lemony Snicket… because I experienced a series of unfortunate events. I mean, first… I got roped into taking a selfie with the blonde female Danish prime minister. Some people said Michelle was angry at me for that. But I talked to her afterwards, and I can assure you… she was furious! THen, I got caught shaking hands with Raoul Castro. In my defense… he told me he was Edward James Olmos. And, finally, there was a sign-language interpretor who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But those were, uhh… mere distractions! And, uh, tonight… I would like to focus instead on healthcare.[ Mandela’s sign-language interpretor appears behind Obama ]
President Barack Obama: Now… I have been listening.
President Barack Obama: …To what Americans have been saying.[ the interpretor makes talking motions with his hands ]
President Barack Obama: …And, uhhh… some very valid concerns are being raised.[ the interpretor makes a “raising the roof” motion ]
President Barack Obama: But… this is not a battle that will be won overnight.
President Barack Obama: And, without a doubt… we’ve seen huge improvements… on our website.[ the interpretor mimes “shooting the bird” at the computer ]
President Barack Obama: We’ve had our BEST people working on it![ the interpretor mimes the curves of an attractive woman, then gives a smiling thumbs-up ]
President Barack Obama: Our VERY BEST people!
President Barack Obama: Admn those who claim we are moving in the wrong direction… well, that’s just NONSENSE![ the interpretor claps his hands together, bends his middle fingers, then twists his hands around so his middle fingers are wiggling from either end ]
President Barack Obama: I mean… some folks are bound to be frustrated. But… many more are excited.[ the intepretor waves his hand over his face to make a frown, then lowers his hand over his face to create a smile ]
President Barack Obama: And while I can’t say that I’ve been entirely thrilled with the results…
President Barack Obama: …I’m just relieved that the website has been turned on again.[ the interpretor rubs his nipples through his suit ]
President Barack Obama: [ spotting the interpretor ] Hey! What are you doing here?! [ the interptretor mimics Obama ] Please leave, Sir! [ more mimicking ] No, go away! [ more mimicking ] No, you! Not me! Okay, can we get some of our Secret Service in here?![ the interpretor mimes climbing a rope, as the Secret Service drag him off ]
President Barack Obama: I apologize for that. Uh, now if I may return to the subject of healthcare…
Angela Merkel: Yoo-hoo! It’s your favorite German chancellor, Angela Merkel!
President Barack Obama: Okay. What are you doing here?
Angela Merkel: Um… I have und favor to ask? The Danish Prime Minister has been bragging all over Northern Europe about her selfie with you. And I was joping that I could get one as well. [ she pulls out her iPhone ]
President Barack Obama: [ uncomfortable ] Uh — uh — uh, I don’t think so!
Angela Merkel: Oh, really? I kind of feel like you owe me, after the whole wiretapping-my-cellphone thing.
President Barack Obama: Okay, but make it quick.
Angela Merkel: Okay. [ she holds out her iPhone, makes a pouty face, and snaps ] Okay, zat one was serious. Now, let’s do a fun one. [ she holds out her iPhone and snaps it as Obama sticks out his tongue ] Alright! Don’t worry — I won’t guttentag that on Frassbook. That is for my own private use. Oh, was it blurry…?
President Barack Obama: Okay, uh — Security![ the Secret Service agents pull her away ]
Angela Merkel: I will ALWAYS love you!
President Barack Obama: Alright… [ as the Interpretor dances into frame ] Oh, great! Now, THIS guy’s back! Geez! You know what? Forget it! I guess… [ the interpretor mimics him ] I guess the only thing left to say is, uh…
Together: “LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIIIIIIGHTT!!!”