SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: Dance of the Snowflakes

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 9

13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

Dance of the Snowflakes

Gene Halderman…..John Goodman
Dancer…..Vanessa Bayer
Annette…..Aidy Bryant
Edgar…..Kenan Thompson

Gene Halderman: Good evening! Welcome to Dearborn Community Playhouse’s first annual holiday pageant.

[ audience clapping ]

Gene Halderman: Thank you. My name is Gene Halderman, a lot of you may know me as your doctor, but tonight, I’m just one of the performers in the show you’re about to see. This show is the combination of a lotta hard work, and a lotta sacrifice, and we’re really proud of it. So now, without further ado, please enjoy… The Dance of the Snowflakes.

[ audience clapping ] [ music playing as everyone starts to dance ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh no. This is… dumb? This is so dumb?

[ everyone is dancing to the music ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh God. My wife’s here. And everyone from work. Do they think this is dumb? Maybe I’m over thinking this. Everyone else seems to be smiling.

Dancer V/O: Uh oh. Is this… really dumb? It is, isn’t it? Oh God. At least Annette’s into it.

Annette V/O: This is humiliating. How can a person be so sure, something is great for two months, and then, in a split second know the exact opposite is true. Huh, Edgar still likes this.

Edgar V/O: Holy [bleep]. What the hell am I doing up here? I’m a 48 year-old black snowflake. My wife cannot like this.[ music continues to play ]

Gene Halderman: I paid a man $3500 to tape this. I was excited to watch it back.

Dancer V/O: My grandma flew in for this. She brought me flowers. I don’t deserve flowers, I deserve a slap in the face.

Annette V/O: My sister is getting married right now. And I chose to be here. Oh, kill me, just put a bullet in my skull.

Edgar V/O: My wife never gonna wanna see my penis again. Especially not since it’s been bunched up in this tight ass unitard. I really got stuffed in there too. Have to fold it. Oh God, now I’m thinking about my penis. Oh, it’s getting a boner. Oh no no no no no no no no. I gotta turn around.

[ Edgar turns around ] [ music playing ]

Gene Halderman: I just had new business cards printed. Now they say “Gene Halderman: Doctor/Dancer”. What the hell was I thinking?

Dancer V/O: On the way here, I hit a man with my car. I didn’t stop because I thought this was more important. But, this is nothing.

Edgar V/O: Oh man, there’s a guy in the audience in a wheelchair. I feel like he’s looking at me like, “Thank God my legs can’t do that.” And then my boner’s back. What? Why?

[ Edgar turns around ]

Annette V/O: Backstage, we decided to dedicate this show to Nelson Mandela. Why? He doesn’t want that.

[ music changes ]

Gene Halderman: You know what? Maybe this is good. Yeah, this is good.

Annette V/O: We worked hard on this. I’m proud.

Dancer V/O: I think people definitely like this.

Edgar V/O: Everyone’s smiling, we did a good job.

[ audience clapping and cheering, as it shows “Dearborn Community Playhouse – First Annual Holiday Pageant” ]

Edgar V/O: Oh no, my boner’s back!

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

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