SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 12/14/13: Dance of the Snowflakes


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 9

13i: John Goodman / Kings of Leon

Dance of the Snowflakes

Gene Halderman…..John Goodman
Dancer…..Vanessa Bayer
Annette…..Aidy Bryant
Edgar…..Kenan Thompson

Gene Halderman: Good evening! Welcome to Dearborn Community Playhouse’s first annual holiday pageant.

[ audience clapping ]

Gene Halderman: Thank you. My name is Gene Halderman, a lot of you may know me as your doctor, but tonight, I’m just one of the performers in the show you’re about to see. This show is the combination of a lotta hard work, and a lotta sacrifice, and we’re really proud of it. So now, without further ado, please enjoy… The Dance of the Snowflakes.

[ audience clapping ] [ music playing as everyone starts to dance ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh no. This is… dumb? This is so dumb?

[ everyone is dancing to the music ]

Gene Halderman V/O: Oh God. My wife’s here. And everyone from work. Do they think this is dumb? Maybe I’m over thinking this. Everyone else seems to be smiling.

Dancer V/O: Uh oh. Is this… really dumb? It is, isn’t it? Oh God. At least Annette’s into it.

Annette V/O: This is humiliating. How can a person be so sure, something is great for two months, and then, in a split second know the exact opposite is true. Huh, Edgar still likes this.

Edgar V/O: Holy [bleep]. What the hell am I doing up here? I’m a 48 year-old black snowflake. My wife cannot like this.[ music continues to play ]

Gene Halderman: I paid a man $3500 to tape this. I was excited to watch it back.

Dancer V/O: My grandma flew in for this. She brought me flowers. I don’t deserve flowers, I deserve a slap in the face.

Annette V/O: My sister is getting married right now. And I chose to be here. Oh, kill me, just put a bullet in my skull.

Edgar V/O: My wife never gonna wanna see my penis again. Especially not since it’s been bunched up in this tight ass unitard. I really got stuffed in there too. Have to fold it. Oh God, now I’m thinking about my penis. Oh, it’s getting a boner. Oh no no no no no no no no. I gotta turn around.

[ Edgar turns around ] [ music playing ]

Gene Halderman: I just had new business cards printed. Now they say “Gene Halderman: Doctor/Dancer”. What the hell was I thinking?

Dancer V/O: On the way here, I hit a man with my car. I didn’t stop because I thought this was more important. But, this is nothing.

Edgar V/O: Oh man, there’s a guy in the audience in a wheelchair. I feel like he’s looking at me like, “Thank God my legs can’t do that.” And then my boner’s back. What? Why?

[ Edgar turns around ]

Annette V/O: Backstage, we decided to dedicate this show to Nelson Mandela. Why? He doesn’t want that.

[ music changes ]

Gene Halderman: You know what? Maybe this is good. Yeah, this is good.

Annette V/O: We worked hard on this. I’m proud.

Dancer V/O: I think people definitely like this.

Edgar V/O: Everyone’s smiling, we did a good job.

[ audience clapping and cheering, as it shows “Dearborn Community Playhouse – First Annual Holiday Pageant” ]

Edgar V/O: Oh no, my boner’s back!

Submitted by: Ellis Mitchell

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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