Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 10
Steve Harvey…..Kenan Thompson
Jim Parsons…..Jimmy Fallon
Ashton Kutcher…..Taran Killam
Jon Cryer…..Jon Mlhiser
Alyson Hannagan…..Noel Wells
Jimmy Fallon…..Justin Timberlake
Announcer: It’s time to play “Family Feud” — Celebrity Edition! Here’s your host — Steve Harvey![ Steve Harvey dances onto game stage ]
Steve Harvey: Okay, now! Welcome to “Celebrity Family Feud”! Now, this is the other daytime TV show I host. I’ve just about reached my goal to be on MUTE in EVERY waiting room in America! Over here, we’ve got celebrities from CBS! And over there, we got the team from NBC! Alright, heading up the CBS team — He’s on a show about SEX with plus-sized women, called “The Big Ol’ Bang Theory”! Jim Parsons!
Jim Parsons: Steve… while I understand what you’re saying is in jest… the show is in actuality a humorous look at the lives of young scientists, so… Bazinga!
Steve Harvey: [ chuckling ] I’ll take your word for it, Player! From “Two and a Half Men”, we got Ashton Koocher!
Ashton Kutcher: I was Steve Jobs!
Steve Harvey: For Halloween? Oh man, that’s great! This year, I went as a Funky Mummy! Mmm! [ dancing ] “Funky! Mummy!” Alright, up next, I believe, is my agent from ICM. Hey there, Marty!
Jon Cryer: No… Actually, I’m Jon Cryer. I’m also on “Two and a Half Men.”
Steve Harvey: Well, you had me fooled! And from “How I Met Dat Mama” — Miss Alyson Hannagan!
Alyson Hannagan: Ohhh! That’s me! I’m Alyson Hannagan! Cool!
Steve Harvey: Well, I wouldn’t bet on this team right here. Let’s move on to the NBC side. Leading the team is the new next host of “The Tonight Show” — Jimmy Fallon!
Jimmy Fallon: It’s so great! So great! SO… great! Celebrities playing games! Nothing better! SO funny!
Steve Harvey: [ laughing ] Hey… you need to calm down! I mean, I’m not that excited about this show, and they PAY me! Two fedoras a day! Alright, uh… from “Hollywood Game Night”, we got Miss Jane Lynch!
Jane Lynch: [ leaning down into her microphone ] Steve, you’re a fine man and this is a fine show.
Steve Harvey: Oooooh! You some kind of a GLAMazon, huh? You so tall, we might have to 79! [ he chuckles heartily ] Whoo! Alright! And from “Law & Order: Special Food”, we got Ice-T!
Ice-T: Yo, are we standin’ this WHOLE time? ‘Cause Ice-T’s not wearin’ his orthopedics!
Steve Harvey: Hey, I feel ya’, Player, I feel ya’! And, finally, we got Mr… [ looking at card ] Brooks Wheelan. And, uh, what do you do, Brooks?
Brooks Wheelan: Uh… I’m on “Saturday Night Live”!
Steve Harvey: Uh-uh. I doubt it! You saying I could turn on “SNL” and see you on there?
Brooks Wheelan: Uh… yeah, yeah! I mean, sometimes… not a lot, but… it’s cool!
Steve Harvey: Hey, well… fair enough! Fair enough! Alright, now each team got to pick a CHARITY before the show! CBS will be playing for The Red Cross… and NBC will be playing for the NBC-Universal Company. Alright! Let’s get two players up here![ Jim Parsons walks solemnly to the podium, while Jimmy Fallon jumps up in his face ]
Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jim Parsons! Are you kidding me?! That is how it’s DONE, my man! He’s SO great, am I right?! Jim Parsons!
Steve Harvey: Okay, now! [ tries not to laugh ] Top FIVE answers on the board! We asked 100 men… [ Fallon and Parsons turn to stare at the board and laugh ] We asked 100 men: Name something you do to feel sexy![ Parsons slams the buzzer ]
Jim Parsons: Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve! [ buzzer ] Steve!
Steve Harvey: Okay, slow your roll, Player! Just give me the answer!
Jim Parsons: Although I personally find the concept of “sexy” to be entirely subjective, I suppose no one could resist coitus with a man with a t-shirt bearing the work of the great Japanese animator ?? Miyazaki.
Steve Harvey: I don’t understand a DAMN word of that, but, uh… I’ll roll wit’ ya’! Show me some mess about a Japanese t-shirt![ ding! — “Miyazaki T-Shirt: 1” ]
Jimmy Fallon: So good!
Steve Harvey: Ohhh, Lord! Come on, now! HOW the hell did that get up there?!
Jim Parsons: Simple. You never specified who could take the survey — They asked me on the way in! [ he laughs ] Bazinga! We’re gonna play.
Steve Harvey: alright, it looks like White Urkel and his team are gonna play! Alright, let’s move on over to Ashton Koocher! How you doing, Player?
Ashton Kutcher: FAN-TAST-IC!
Steve Harvey: Good for you! Name something that you do to be sexy?
Ashton Kutcher: Well, Steve… I’m one of People Magazine’s SEXIEST people alive! So I KNOW SEXY!! I would light a FI-YER, and say in my SEXIEST voice: “We’re gonna bone!!”
Steve Harvey: Okay. But I don’t know how you gonna be sexy sounding like a Muppet! Let’s see Dirty Talk![ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Oh, I’m sorry. Moving on to Jon Cryer. Something that you do to be sexy?
Jon Cryer: Uh… well, this… isn’t my area of expertise, but I’ll say, um… Untuck my shirt a little!
Steve Harvey: Uh… DAMN! I don’t wanna give you a “X”, because your life is clearly hard enough, but, uh… I probably gotta! Show me Untucked Shirt![ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Awww, come on now, CBS team! There’s so many things a man could do to be sexy! Fluff up your moustache… or take a bath in Drakkar Noir! Alyson Hannagan, what does your man do?
Alyson Hannagan: What I think is really sexy… is when a guy is like a father — unless he’s, like, your father! That would be GROSS to think your DAD is sexy! Ohhhh, man! Now I’m thinking of my Dad’s PENIS for some reason!
Steve Harvey: I’ll tell you what the reason is! You straight-up CRAZY! [ he chuckles ] Let’s see… Daddy’s Wang![ buzz! ]
Steve Harvey: Alright! Well, it looks like we got a chance for the NBC team to STEAL! [ the teammates shout ansers at one another ] There’s a lot of good answers there, Jimmy Fallon! Which one y’all gonna pick?
Jimmy Fallon: So many great answers! So many… They’re so great! So great, my man! But, Steve… [ he cracks up ] [ at the other side of the stage, the real Jimmy Fallon crouches down behind his podium to crack up as well ]
Jimmy Fallon: Steve… there’s only ONE way for a man to be really sexy.
Steve Harvey: What’s that?
Jimmy Fallon: [ staring into the camera ] Be Justin Timberlake.
Steve Harvey: Alright, then, let’s see it![ ding! — “Justin Timberlake: 89” ]
Steve Harvey: You got the steal! NBC wins! Alright, let’s take a break! Somebody warm up my quesodilla from yesterday! I’ll see y’all in a few minutes![ fade ]