SNL Transcripts: Drake: 01/18/14: I Know


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 11

13k: Drake

I Know

Kyle…..Kyle Mooney
Friend…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Kyle standing with his friend at a vending machine ]

Friend: Peanuts are the fastest growinmg allergens in the United States.

Kyle: I know. I already knew that. [ he grabs some of his friend’s snack nuts ] [ cut to Kyle standing with his friend in a laundry room ]

Friend: I’m just kind of bummed that Cindy and I broke up yesterday…

Kyle: Yeah, I know.

Friend: How’d you know? We haven’t told anybody.

Kyle: ‘Cause I just started hanging out with her all the time…

Friend: What?!

[ cut to Kyle and his friend on an elevator ]

Friend: I forgot to tell you I’m going to Montana —

Kyle: Montana next week —

Friend: Next week with my —

Kyle: With my family. Yeah, I know. Me, too.

[ cut to Kyle and his friend standing at a urinal ]

Friend: Mine’s just a little bit bigger than yours.

Kyle: Yeah, I know. ‘Cause I just actually like mine a little smaller.

[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down the hall ]

Friend: You know, there’s a fire happening right now.

Kyle: Yeah, I know. I started it.

[ rapid cuts ]

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I know!

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I knowwwwww!!

[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down another hall ]

Friend: Be careful — The floor’s wet.

Kyle: I know!

[ Kyle slips and lands on his head, as his friend screams ]

Friend: Noooooo!! Oh, my God! Kyle!

[ suddenly, Kyle’s spirit floats out of his body ]

Friend: Great. Now you’re a ghost.

Kyle: I know.

Friend: You don’t exist!

Kyle: I knowwwww!!

Friend: Stop saying “I know”! Okay? I don’t expect you to know everything. You shouldn’t know everything. This just doesn’t make any sense, the way you were responding to me. Why are you doing that?

Kyle: I guess I… wanted to prove to you… that… I knew lots of stuff… because if I know lots of stuff, you’d think I’m… smart. And then you’d want to hang out with me more and be my friend…

Friend: You’re my friend already. You don’t have to do anything different.

Kyle: I guess I “know” that now.

Friend: You know what? Here’s an idea: What do you say you stop being a know-it-all and get back in that cute body of yours?

Kyle: I’d say that sounds like a lot more fun than being this ghost!

Friend: Then, what are you waiting for? Get back IN that sucker!

[ Kyle’s spirit returns to his body, as he rises to his feet ]

Kyle: Whoa-oa!

Friend: There you are, buddy! Dude, you just proved you can travel through different existences!

Kyle: I know. ‘Cause spirits are never lost, they just re-enter through the barriers…

[ they walk off ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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