SNL Transcripts: Drake: 01/18/14: I Know

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 11

13k: Drake

I Know

Kyle…..Kyle Mooney
Friend…..Beck Bennett

[ open on Kyle standing with his friend at a vending machine ]

Friend: Peanuts are the fastest growinmg allergens in the United States.

Kyle: I know. I already knew that. [ he grabs some of his friend’s snack nuts ] [ cut to Kyle standing with his friend in a laundry room ]

Friend: I’m just kind of bummed that Cindy and I broke up yesterday…

Kyle: Yeah, I know.

Friend: How’d you know? We haven’t told anybody.

Kyle: ‘Cause I just started hanging out with her all the time…

Friend: What?!

[ cut to Kyle and his friend on an elevator ]

Friend: I forgot to tell you I’m going to Montana —

Kyle: Montana next week —

Friend: Next week with my —

Kyle: With my family. Yeah, I know. Me, too.

[ cut to Kyle and his friend standing at a urinal ]

Friend: Mine’s just a little bit bigger than yours.

Kyle: Yeah, I know. ‘Cause I just actually like mine a little smaller.

[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down the hall ]

Friend: You know, there’s a fire happening right now.

Kyle: Yeah, I know. I started it.

[ rapid cuts ]

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I know!

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I know.

Kyle: I knowwwwww!!

[ cut to Kyle and his friend walking down another hall ]

Friend: Be careful — The floor’s wet.

Kyle: I know!

[ Kyle slips and lands on his head, as his friend screams ]

Friend: Noooooo!! Oh, my God! Kyle!

[ suddenly, Kyle’s spirit floats out of his body ]

Friend: Great. Now you’re a ghost.

Kyle: I know.

Friend: You don’t exist!

Kyle: I knowwwww!!

Friend: Stop saying “I know”! Okay? I don’t expect you to know everything. You shouldn’t know everything. This just doesn’t make any sense, the way you were responding to me. Why are you doing that?

Kyle: I guess I… wanted to prove to you… that… I knew lots of stuff… because if I know lots of stuff, you’d think I’m… smart. And then you’d want to hang out with me more and be my friend…

Friend: You’re my friend already. You don’t have to do anything different.

Kyle: I guess I “know” that now.

Friend: You know what? Here’s an idea: What do you say you stop being a know-it-all and get back in that cute body of yours?

Kyle: I’d say that sounds like a lot more fun than being this ghost!

Friend: Then, what are you waiting for? Get back IN that sucker!

[ Kyle’s spirit returns to his body, as he rises to his feet ]

Kyle: Whoa-oa!

Friend: There you are, buddy! Dude, you just proved you can travel through different existences!

Kyle: I know. ‘Cause spirits are never lost, they just re-enter through the barriers…

[ they walk off ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Notify of