Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 12
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
January 25th 2014
Jonah Hill
Bastille
None
Leonardo DiCaprio
Michael Cera
None
Road to Sachi
Summary: Scott Hamilton (Taran Killam) and Tara Lipinski (Cecily Strong) The U.S. Men’s Heterosexual Figure Skating Championships.
Recurring Characters: Piers Morgan, Chris Christie, Justin Bieber.
Montage
Jonah Hill’s Monologue
Summary: After acting like a Hollywood bigshot, Jonah Hill is brought back down to Earth by a stern Leonardo DiCaprio.
Transcript
Six Year Old
Summary: Six-year old Adam Grossman (Jonah Hill) embarrasses his new stepmom (Vanessa Bayer) by obnoxiously performing more Borscht Belt humor in front of the hibachi crowd at Benihana’s.
Recurring Characters: Adam Grossman, Debbie Wasserstein.
The Hit
Summary: Thugs (Jay Pharoah, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam) are sidetracked from performing a hit by the snow.
Transcript
Couples Quiz
Summary: Game play is sidelined by thew host’s (Kenan Thompson) quest to reveal which contestant clogged a backstage toilet.
Bastille performs “Pompeii”
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Officer Frank Medina (Kenan Thompson) recounts his experience arresting Justin Bieber for illegal dragracing. Russian woman Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) gives her takes on holding the Winter Olympics in her country.
Sweetland Ranch
Summary: While visiting the stables, Danielle (Nasim Pedrad) is horrified to find the stablehands (Cecily Strong, Jonah Hill) being kicked and punch by one of the horses.
Me
Summary: In a trailer for a new Spike Jonez film, a nerdy man (Jonah Hill) becomes involved in a gay relationship with his doppleganger Operating System.
Boss Dinner
Summary: After making numerous faux pas at the boss’s (Beck Bennett) dinner party, Jeffrey (Jonah Hill) yells audibly at himself in the adjacent bathroom.
Inside SoCal
Summary: Without permission, skater-slackers Todd (Kyle Mooney) and Casey (Beck Bennett) host their talk show at Keith’s (Jonah Hill) dad’s (Bobby Moynihan).
Bastille performs “Oblivion”
Lamborghini
Summary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her friend (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Lamborghinis, with the help of former porn director Martin Porn-Cese (Jonah Hill).
Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
