SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 01/25/14: The Hit

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

The Hit

Thug #1…..Jay Pharoah
Trey…..Kenan Thompson
Thug #2…..Taran Killam

[ open on dark car pulling up to the curb as snow falls ]

Thug #1: He should be coming out in five minutes. Now, remember — when you see him come out, we’re gonna roll up right beside him and blast him.

[ they all cock their pistols and maintain their focus on the front door ]

Trey: It’s really coming down tonight?

Thug #1: What?

Trey: No, nothing, you know? Just the snow. It’s really something. Old Man Winter really… really outdid himself tonight!

Thug #1: Yo, Trey! What the hell you talkin’ about, man?!

Trey: Ah, nothing! Just forget it, Dawg!

Thug #2: Man, they don’t even realize what’s about to happen, man! They’re sitting up there trapped!

Trey: That’s right! And we sittin’ up in the car, windows rolled up. It feels like we’re in our own snowglobe!

Thug #1: Do you not remember what we came here for? Stay focused, man!

Trey: Right. My bad. You right, Dawg.

Thug #1: Jeez!

Trey: [ still staring out the window ] You know, they say no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But how would they ever know? You know what I’m sayin’?

Thug #1: Yo, yo, yo, yo! How about we act like… it’s not snowin’!

Thug #2: Oh, I feel you! How about we act like there’s two angels in heaven… and they’re havin’ a PILLOW FIGHT!

Trey: Or — How about we act like it’s rainin’ POWDERED SUGAR!

Thug #2: How about we stick our tongues out the car and TASTE the sugar!

[ they stick their tongues out the window ]

Trey: Oh, man! Give me some of that sugar! Give me some of that sugar!

Thug #1: YO!! [ he slams their doors shut ] How ’bout I BLAST the next person who talks about some damn SNOW, man?! PAY ATTENTION!!

[ they remain quiet for a moment ]

Thug #2: Hey, you know what I’d be doin’ right now if I wasn’t about to BLAST these fools?

Trey: Hmm?

Thug #2: I would be runnin’ barefoot through the forest like a deer in a winter wonderland! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Trey: Yeahhhhhhh, you lost me on that one, Dawg.

Thug #1: Thank you!

Trey: Yeah, it’s clearly an inside day.

Thug #2: Yes!!

Trey: You know what I’m sayin’? A brother like me would be cuddled up next to the window, you know, with an oversized sweater!

Thug #2: Yes!

Trey: And probably TWO hands on a good cup of cocoa!

Thug #2: Mmm-mmm, mini-marshmallows!

Trey: Nah, just one BIG one!

Thug #2: Oh, ho, ho! Preach!

Trey: Relaxin’ and listenin’ to the sweet vocal stylings of one Miss Carole King!

[ together, they start to sing “So Far Away” ]

Thug #2: Whoo! “Tapestry”‘s my shit!

Thug #1: Shh, shh! Yo, look!

Trey: What, you see ’em? They comin’ out?

[ the cock their pistols ]

Thug #1: Nah… it’s a rabbit.

Trey & Thug #2: Ohhhhhhh…

Thug #1: You know, I’ve never really seen one in person before, you know?

Thug #2: Hey, little guy!!

Trey: Shhhhh!

Thug #1: You gonna scare him! Now, I’m gonna go outside and try to pet him.

Trey: Hey, but don’t hurt him!

Thug #1: I got it!

[ the music swells, as he steps outside and moves toward the rabbit ]

[ suddenly, shots blast out and he falls dead in the snow ]

[ Trey casually starts the engine, puts the car in reverse and drives away ]

[ fade ]

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