Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 12
Thug #1…..Jay Pharoah
Thug #2…..Taran Killam
[ open on dark car pulling up to the curb as snow falls ]
Thug #1: He should be coming out in five minutes. Now, remember — when you see him come out, we’re gonna roll up right beside him and blast him.
[ they all cock their pistols and maintain their focus on the front door ]
Trey: It’s really coming down tonight?
Thug #1: What?
Trey: No, nothing, you know? Just the snow. It’s really something. Old Man Winter really… really outdid himself tonight!
Thug #1: Yo, Trey! What the hell you talkin’ about, man?!
Trey: Ah, nothing! Just forget it, Dawg!
Thug #2: Man, they don’t even realize what’s about to happen, man! They’re sitting up there trapped!
Trey: That’s right! And we sittin’ up in the car, windows rolled up. It feels like we’re in our own snowglobe!
Thug #1: Do you not remember what we came here for? Stay focused, man!
Trey: Right. My bad. You right, Dawg.
Thug #1: Jeez!
Trey: [ still staring out the window ] You know, they say no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But how would they ever know? You know what I’m sayin’?
Thug #1: Yo, yo, yo, yo! How about we act like… it’s not snowin’!
Thug #2: Oh, I feel you! How about we act like there’s two angels in heaven… and they’re havin’ a PILLOW FIGHT!
Trey: Or — How about we act like it’s rainin’ POWDERED SUGAR!
Thug #2: How about we stick our tongues out the car and TASTE the sugar!
[ they stick their tongues out the window ]
Trey: Oh, man! Give me some of that sugar! Give me some of that sugar!
Thug #1: YO!! [ he slams their doors shut ] How ’bout I BLAST the next person who talks about some damn SNOW, man?! PAY ATTENTION!!
[ they remain quiet for a moment ]
Thug #2: Hey, you know what I’d be doin’ right now if I wasn’t about to BLAST these fools?
Thug #2: I would be runnin’ barefoot through the forest like a deer in a winter wonderland! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!
Trey: Yeahhhhhhh, you lost me on that one, Dawg.
Thug #1: Thank you!
Trey: Yeah, it’s clearly an inside day.
Thug #2: Yes!!
Trey: You know what I’m sayin’? A brother like me would be cuddled up next to the window, you know, with an oversized sweater!
Thug #2: Yes!
Trey: And probably TWO hands on a good cup of cocoa!
Thug #2: Mmm-mmm, mini-marshmallows!
Trey: Nah, just one BIG one!
Thug #2: Oh, ho, ho! Preach!
Trey: Relaxin’ and listenin’ to the sweet vocal stylings of one Miss Carole King!
[ together, they start to sing “So Far Away” ]
Thug #2: Whoo! “Tapestry”‘s my shit!
Thug #1: Shh, shh! Yo, look!
Trey: What, you see ’em? They comin’ out?
[ the cock their pistols ]
Thug #1: Nah… it’s a rabbit.
Trey & Thug #2: Ohhhhhhh…
Thug #1: You know, I’ve never really seen one in person before, you know?
Thug #2: Hey, little guy!!
Thug #1: You gonna scare him! Now, I’m gonna go outside and try to pet him.
Trey: Hey, but don’t hurt him!
Thug #1: I got it!
[ the music swells, as he steps outside and moves toward the rabbit ]
[ suddenly, shots blast out and he falls dead in the snow ]
[ Trey casually starts the engine, puts the car in reverse and drives away ]
[ fade ]