SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 01/25/14: The Hit


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

The Hit

Thug #1…..Jay Pharoah
Trey…..Kenan Thompson
Thug #2…..Taran Killam

[ open on dark car pulling up to the curb as snow falls ]

Thug #1: He should be coming out in five minutes. Now, remember — when you see him come out, we’re gonna roll up right beside him and blast him.

[ they all cock their pistols and maintain their focus on the front door ]

Trey: It’s really coming down tonight?

Thug #1: What?

Trey: No, nothing, you know? Just the snow. It’s really something. Old Man Winter really… really outdid himself tonight!

Thug #1: Yo, Trey! What the hell you talkin’ about, man?!

Trey: Ah, nothing! Just forget it, Dawg!

Thug #2: Man, they don’t even realize what’s about to happen, man! They’re sitting up there trapped!

Trey: That’s right! And we sittin’ up in the car, windows rolled up. It feels like we’re in our own snowglobe!

Thug #1: Do you not remember what we came here for? Stay focused, man!

Trey: Right. My bad. You right, Dawg.

Thug #1: Jeez!

Trey: [ still staring out the window ] You know, they say no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But how would they ever know? You know what I’m sayin’?

Thug #1: Yo, yo, yo, yo! How about we act like… it’s not snowin’!

Thug #2: Oh, I feel you! How about we act like there’s two angels in heaven… and they’re havin’ a PILLOW FIGHT!

Trey: Or — How about we act like it’s rainin’ POWDERED SUGAR!

Thug #2: How about we stick our tongues out the car and TASTE the sugar!

[ they stick their tongues out the window ]

Trey: Oh, man! Give me some of that sugar! Give me some of that sugar!

Thug #1: YO!! [ he slams their doors shut ] How ’bout I BLAST the next person who talks about some damn SNOW, man?! PAY ATTENTION!!

[ they remain quiet for a moment ]

Thug #2: Hey, you know what I’d be doin’ right now if I wasn’t about to BLAST these fools?

Trey: Hmm?

Thug #2: I would be runnin’ barefoot through the forest like a deer in a winter wonderland! Ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Trey: Yeahhhhhhh, you lost me on that one, Dawg.

Thug #1: Thank you!

Trey: Yeah, it’s clearly an inside day.

Thug #2: Yes!!

Trey: You know what I’m sayin’? A brother like me would be cuddled up next to the window, you know, with an oversized sweater!

Thug #2: Yes!

Trey: And probably TWO hands on a good cup of cocoa!

Thug #2: Mmm-mmm, mini-marshmallows!

Trey: Nah, just one BIG one!

Thug #2: Oh, ho, ho! Preach!

Trey: Relaxin’ and listenin’ to the sweet vocal stylings of one Miss Carole King!

[ together, they start to sing “So Far Away” ]

Thug #2: Whoo! “Tapestry”‘s my shit!

Thug #1: Shh, shh! Yo, look!

Trey: What, you see ’em? They comin’ out?

[ the cock their pistols ]

Thug #1: Nah… it’s a rabbit.

Trey & Thug #2: Ohhhhhhh…

Thug #1: You know, I’ve never really seen one in person before, you know?

Thug #2: Hey, little guy!!

Trey: Shhhhh!

Thug #1: You gonna scare him! Now, I’m gonna go outside and try to pet him.

Trey: Hey, but don’t hurt him!

Thug #1: I got it!

[ the music swells, as he steps outside and moves toward the rabbit ]

[ suddenly, shots blast out and he falls dead in the snow ]

[ Trey casually starts the engine, puts the car in reverse and drives away ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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