SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 01/25/14: Lamborghini


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille


Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Martin Porn-Cese…..Jonah Hill

Brookie: Heartpounding.

Friend: Drenaline.

Brookie: Ezzileration.

Friend: Spectaculance.

Both: The fastest. Lambortini!

Friend: All the craftmanships of a high class automobang.

Brookie: You can be the driver of dreams — Meep, meep!

Both: With lambortini!

Brookie: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I’m Brookie.

Friend: And I’m okay, thank you.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars anymore, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to get to places.

Both: In style!

[ Man scoots forward in electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Not yet!

Martin Porn-Cese: Okay, bye. [ he scoots backward ]

Brookie: Other cars are slow, and Hondas. Hasta la vista, scabies!

Friend: Why, I oughta…

Brookie: Lambortinis are like transformers ‘cept for no robots.

Friend: Avaliable in manual or autoerotic.

Brookie: With financing as low as 3.1 percent HPV.

Friend: And they’re perfect for occasions like…

Brookie: Escaping.

Friend: Fleeing.

Brookie: Great gash mileage.

Friend: Cross country road head.

Brookie: I was kidnapped.

Friend: Bikini car rash.

Brookie: And first time on Howard Sterm.

Friend: I guarentee it! You’ll feel like the conductor running a train on the world.

Brookie: With these wheels, you’ll feel like you’re getting the rim job. Plus, it has two of those things that you press on your feet?

Friend: Testicles.

Brookie: No — pedals.

Friend: Pedals.

[ Man scoots forward in electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Not yet!

Martin Porn-Cese: Alright. [ he scoots backward ]

Both: With Lambortinis!

Friend: One time, I thought I banged Seal Team Six… but it was actually just sixteen seals. I was like, “Thanks, America! [ barks like a seal ] Arf, arf!”

Brookie: I tried to bang a quiet guy, but it was just a corpse and I was like, “Hey, it’s your funeral!” But his family was like, “Yes. Now get out of the coffin.”

Friend: One time, I thought I was in the movie “Alien”, but it was really just a big penis in my stomach. I was like, “What are you doing in there? I’m not a morning person.”

Brookie: Remember listening to sea shells?

[ they cup their hands to their ears, as Man wheels forward in an electric wheelchair ]

Martin Porn-Cese: Did someone say “Vroom, vroom?”

Both: Oh, yeah…

Martin Porn-Cese: Hi, I’m legendary adult director Martin Porn-Cese. You may know me from my classic pornos, like “Bangs of New York”, “Raging Boner”, “The Departed (Hymen)”, and “The Wolf of Wall Street”. To take my word for it, if you’re going to bang all night you’re definitely going to need some Lambroginas. They’re vaginas that are super flexible.

Both: They’re cars…

Martin Porn-Cese: Well, I don’t know if you could fit a whole car in it.

Brookie: It’s an ad for cars, so they’ll send us free Lambrotinis.

Martin Porn-Cese: Oh, right — the scam. [ they all attempt to wink at the camera ] So buy some Lambroginas, because if you want to spice things up I know just the thing.

Brookie: Sports cars!

Friend: Ass forepay.

All: With Lambortinis!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Hannah Cottle

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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