SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 01/25/14: Jonah Hill’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

Jonah Hill’s Monologue

…..Jonah Hill
Female Audience Member…..Noël Wells
Male Audience Member…..John Milhiser
Brad Pitt…..Taran KIllam
…..Leonardo DiCaprio

Anbnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!

Jonah Hill: Thank you! Ah, um… thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting “SNL” for the third time. Honestly, my whole life feels like a dream come true right now. Between “Moneyball” and “Wolf of Wall Street” and getting nominated for my second Academy Award, you know… [ audience cheers ] I just, uh… I just couldn’t be more grateful, and, you know, the thing about being an Oscar-nominated actor is —

Female Audience Member: Excuse me?

Jonah Hill: Uh… yes, can I help you?

Female Audience Member: [ excited ] Um… hi! I was just, uh, wondering: What is it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Jonah Hill: Oh, I wasn’t really opening up the floor for questions, but, uh — okay! Leo — which is short for Leonardo — you know, he’s a terrific guy, and he’s still learning, you know? He’sobviously a huge star. Anyway, when I do an Oscar movie —

Male Audience Member: Hi.

Jonah Hill: Yes. You, Sir.

Male Audience Member: Hi. Um… What’s Leo’s hair like? Is it, like, beautiful?

Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] I don’t know! It’s… it’s decent, I guess. Not that memorable. Kind of like mine, maybe a little worse. Yes. You. Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt: Hey, man! Just wanted to say… I had a BLAST working with you in “Moneyball” — Bahhh!

Jonah Hill: Okay!

Brad Pitt: And you… have developed into a great dramatic actor — Bahhhh!!

Jonah Hill: Oh, my God! Thank you, Brad, that’s very nice of you to say.

Brad Pitt: Also, uh — What’s DiCaprio like, huh? I bet he was the BEST!! BAHHHH!!!

Jonah Hill: Okay. Okay, look, you want to know the truth? The truth is: Leo wasn’t even supposed to BE in the movie! Okay? Here’s what happened! I call up Marty Scorcese. I say, “Marty. It’s J.H. I’m ready to get in the ring again!” He says, “Finally!” Then, I say, “Should we get DiCaprio on board?” And Marty says, “I don’t know if he can handle it. Sure, he’s a movie star, he puts teenaged girls in the seats. But we need a REAL actor, like YOU!” Okay? That’s what –[ the audience screams wildly, as Leonardo DiCaprio saunters into view ]

Jonah Hill: [ worried ] Oh, my God…! Oh..!

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey, buddy!

Jonah Hill: Ohhhh, God, nooo!

Leonardo DiCaprio: I have a question. What the hell are you doing, man?

Jonah Hill: Oh, nothing much! I was pretty much just talking you up big time, just saying what a baller you are at acting…!

Leonardo DiCaprio: No, no, I don’t think you were, man. I mean, I actually came here to support you. I’ve been backstage the whole time.

Jonah Hill: [ stammering ] Uhhh… you-you-you were… backstage…?! That’s WEIRD, man! Maybe the ACOUSTICS are messed up or something, ’cause I was totally hyping you up! I was like, “Heyyyy, you know what’s eating Gilbert Grape? THis guy right here! He’s taking a big ol’ BITE out of that juicy grape!” You know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Really?

Jonah Hill: Yeah! I was like, you know, “This guy Leo taught me EVERYTHING I know, and I’d be NOTHING Without him, and he’s such a MODEL… both physically — like he has the looks of a model, but also a ROLE model! And he’s really charitable… and “The Aviator”…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold on, Jonah. Forget about all that, okay? Why don’t you just be honest about what you’re doing right now? Seriously.

Jonah Hill: [ meekly ] I was, uh… I was acting like a bigshot.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what did we say about acting like a bigshot in public like this?

Jonah Hill: We said that, like… like I… shouldn’t do it.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what should you do instead?

Jonah Hill: I should just, like… try to, like… be the best version of me, or whatever…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Jonah, I knew this was gonna happen if you got nominated, but you don’t have to pretend any more. You’re a real ACTOR now! You should be HUMBLE! You should be GRACIOUS! Get it?

Jonah Hill: Yeah, I’m sorry. I get it. I just got so excited, you know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: I know. I remember.

Jonah Hill: Hey, Lee?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, J?

Jonah Hill: Remember when we were on set, and I-I would get really nervous?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Jonah Hill: Can we do the thing we always did every day, the thing that made me feel safe?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Is it gonna help you be, uh… less nervous?

Jonah Hill: Yeah.

Leonardo DiCaprio: [ sighs ] Yeah, sure. We can do it.

Jonah Hill: Alright. Thanks, man.

[ “Titanic” instrumental theme plays, as Jonah stretches out his arms and DiCaprio wraps his arms around him ]

Jonah Hill: “Am I flying, Jack?”

Leonardo DiCaprio: “Yes, Rose! Yes, you’re flying!” Jonah’s got a GREAT show for you tonight! Bastille is here! Stick around, and he’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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