SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 01/25/14: Jonah Hill’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 12

13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille

Jonah Hill’s Monologue

…..Jonah Hill
Female Audience Member…..Noël Wells
Male Audience Member…..John Milhiser
Brad Pitt…..Taran KIllam
…..Leonardo DiCaprio

Anbnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!

Jonah Hill: Thank you! Ah, um… thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting “SNL” for the third time. Honestly, my whole life feels like a dream come true right now. Between “Moneyball” and “Wolf of Wall Street” and getting nominated for my second Academy Award, you know… [ audience cheers ] I just, uh… I just couldn’t be more grateful, and, you know, the thing about being an Oscar-nominated actor is —

Female Audience Member: Excuse me?

Jonah Hill: Uh… yes, can I help you?

Female Audience Member: [ excited ] Um… hi! I was just, uh, wondering: What is it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?

Jonah Hill: Oh, I wasn’t really opening up the floor for questions, but, uh — okay! Leo — which is short for Leonardo — you know, he’s a terrific guy, and he’s still learning, you know? He’sobviously a huge star. Anyway, when I do an Oscar movie —

Male Audience Member: Hi.

Jonah Hill: Yes. You, Sir.

Male Audience Member: Hi. Um… What’s Leo’s hair like? Is it, like, beautiful?

Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] I don’t know! It’s… it’s decent, I guess. Not that memorable. Kind of like mine, maybe a little worse. Yes. You. Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt: Hey, man! Just wanted to say… I had a BLAST working with you in “Moneyball” — Bahhh!

Jonah Hill: Okay!

Brad Pitt: And you… have developed into a great dramatic actor — Bahhhh!!

Jonah Hill: Oh, my God! Thank you, Brad, that’s very nice of you to say.

Brad Pitt: Also, uh — What’s DiCaprio like, huh? I bet he was the BEST!! BAHHHH!!!

Jonah Hill: Okay. Okay, look, you want to know the truth? The truth is: Leo wasn’t even supposed to BE in the movie! Okay? Here’s what happened! I call up Marty Scorcese. I say, “Marty. It’s J.H. I’m ready to get in the ring again!” He says, “Finally!” Then, I say, “Should we get DiCaprio on board?” And Marty says, “I don’t know if he can handle it. Sure, he’s a movie star, he puts teenaged girls in the seats. But we need a REAL actor, like YOU!” Okay? That’s what –[ the audience screams wildly, as Leonardo DiCaprio saunters into view ]

Jonah Hill: [ worried ] Oh, my God…! Oh..!

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey, buddy!

Jonah Hill: Ohhhh, God, nooo!

Leonardo DiCaprio: I have a question. What the hell are you doing, man?

Jonah Hill: Oh, nothing much! I was pretty much just talking you up big time, just saying what a baller you are at acting…!

Leonardo DiCaprio: No, no, I don’t think you were, man. I mean, I actually came here to support you. I’ve been backstage the whole time.

Jonah Hill: [ stammering ] Uhhh… you-you-you were… backstage…?! That’s WEIRD, man! Maybe the ACOUSTICS are messed up or something, ’cause I was totally hyping you up! I was like, “Heyyyy, you know what’s eating Gilbert Grape? THis guy right here! He’s taking a big ol’ BITE out of that juicy grape!” You know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Really?

Jonah Hill: Yeah! I was like, you know, “This guy Leo taught me EVERYTHING I know, and I’d be NOTHING Without him, and he’s such a MODEL… both physically — like he has the looks of a model, but also a ROLE model! And he’s really charitable… and “The Aviator”…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold on, Jonah. Forget about all that, okay? Why don’t you just be honest about what you’re doing right now? Seriously.

Jonah Hill: [ meekly ] I was, uh… I was acting like a bigshot.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what did we say about acting like a bigshot in public like this?

Jonah Hill: We said that, like… like I… shouldn’t do it.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what should you do instead?

Jonah Hill: I should just, like… try to, like… be the best version of me, or whatever…

Leonardo DiCaprio: Jonah, I knew this was gonna happen if you got nominated, but you don’t have to pretend any more. You’re a real ACTOR now! You should be HUMBLE! You should be GRACIOUS! Get it?

Jonah Hill: Yeah, I’m sorry. I get it. I just got so excited, you know?

Leonardo DiCaprio: I know. I remember.

Jonah Hill: Hey, Lee?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, J?

Jonah Hill: Remember when we were on set, and I-I would get really nervous?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Jonah Hill: Can we do the thing we always did every day, the thing that made me feel safe?

Leonardo DiCaprio: Is it gonna help you be, uh… less nervous?

Jonah Hill: Yeah.

Leonardo DiCaprio: [ sighs ] Yeah, sure. We can do it.

Jonah Hill: Alright. Thanks, man.

[ “Titanic” instrumental theme plays, as Jonah stretches out his arms and DiCaprio wraps his arms around him ]

Jonah Hill: “Am I flying, Jack?”

Leonardo DiCaprio: “Yes, Rose! Yes, you’re flying!” Jonah’s got a GREAT show for you tonight! Bastille is here! Stick around, and he’ll be right back!

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