SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Women’s Group



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13














13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Women’s Group

Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Carol…..Cecily Strong
Aidy…..Aidy Bryant
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
P.J……Melissa McCarthy

[ open on suburban home ]

Vanessa: Okay, ladies. Welcome to the first-ever meeting of Women’s Group! I know we’re all very busy with carpools and birthday parties, but I think it’s great that we’re taking time to focus on ourselves and our goals.

Carol: Oh! I thought this was just an excuse to drink white wine in the afternoon!

Aidy: Oh, you’re bad! [ they all laugh ]

Vanessa: Okay. I’ll go first. Um… My goal is to fall back in love with my husband. Um… I want us to play, and, uh… I want to be wooed. Carol?

Carol: Okay. Um… I guess…. Okay! I just want to, like, slow down, you know? I want to cook more, and worry less.

Denise: I’ll go! Um… I want to start really considering the things I put in my body. And… I want to take more photographs!

P.J.: I’ll go. Uh… This year, I would like to avenge the death of my father. He was taken from me ten years ago, and now I plan to exact my revenge on the individuals who caused me this pain.

Aidy: Um… I want to learn how to set up my Kindle.

Vanessa: Okay, um… That’s great, everybody. Now, let’s pull out those Vision Boards that we all made. [ they all pull out their boards ] Alright, now, uh… DEnise, would you like to go first?

Denise: Um… These are some images that I find inspirational. These are fresh-cut peonies… this is Jennifer Hudson… this is yogurt… and this is an angel!

P.J.: Okay, um… On mine… This is my Dad, and, uh, this is me over his dead body, screaming “Noooooo!!” This is really kind of, uh — This is a Before image, and then this is the After.

Carol: Are you holding a human head?

P.J.: Yeah, I am. This is the head of Raoul “El Scorpione” De la Monte. He’s the man who killed my father. This is the only known photo of him, and I HOPE to place red X’s of his own blood over his eyes when I find him… and, coincidentaly, I also have yogurt.

Vanessa: Very good job, P.J. I can tell you’re very serious about your goals. So, who’s next?

Carol: I wish I had gone before P.J. Um,,, but this mine, so, uh… This is my dream kitchen — it’s a Hampton-style, a lot of copper details. I like the airiness of it.

Vanessa: Mmm-hmm. Okay. Anyone else?

P.J.: [ raising her hand ] I’ve got another one. Um… I just kinda got into it. It says to me, uh… This Vidion Board is showing El Scorpione’s inner circle.

Denise: I’m sorry, why are you on there?

P.J.: Oh. Very astute. That’s nice. Uh, yeah — I’ve been able to infiltrate his organization by gaining their trust, mostly through sex. I consider my body a tool, not unlike the Swiss Army knife. And UI love that sweater, by the way.

Aidy: Oh. Uh… thank you, That’s a very lovely blazer.

P.J.: Oh. Yeah, I don’t even know where I got it… [ she lifts up a side, revealing a collection of knives ] Oh, yeah — Ann Taylor Loft.

Vanessa: Okay… um… and did anyone, or everyone, breing an object that inpsires them?

Aidy: Uh, yes! Okay, this is my own personal copy of “Under the Tuscan Sun” with Diane Lane, and, um… I don’t know! She just reminds me that we as women are like fine wines.

P.J.: I’d love to borrow that from you. I love the message. Uh… okay, I brought a box. Each time I’ve erased an individual as part of my journey, uh… I’ve taken a trophy and I’ve put it in here. But I will warn you that… the contents, once seen, cannot be unseen. You guys ready?

[ the women plead with P.J. not to open the box ]

P.J.: Are you sure? Okay. It was mostly ears and one penis.

Vanessa: P.J., I know we all just met you, but it seems like a lot of your visioning is less about finding your best self, and more about, um… murder.

P.J.: That’s fair.

Vanessa: But, you know, Women’s Group is about letting go of the past. So what I want to know is, not “Who was P.J.?”, but “Who is P.J.?”

P.J.: That’s a great question. Who is P.J.? Uh… P.J. likes to laugh… uhhh, P.J. can be a bit of a diva… uhhhh, P.J. should probably give herself a break, because she’s a good woman.

Carol: Uh, I’m sorry — P.J. what’s that red dot on your chest?

P.J.: Does it follow me when I move. [ she leans in her chair ]

Carol: Yeah.

P.J.: Okay. Um… How do you feel about gunfire in the home?

Vanessa: Well, I ask you to take off your shoes, so…

P.J.: Okay. Um… oky, um… I’m probably gonna go. I want to thank you for a lovely spread and having me in your home and I’ll see you at the next Women’s Group! [ she dives through the window ] [ fade ]

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