SNL Transcripts: Melissa McCarthy: 02/01/14: Women’s Group

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 13

13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Women’s Group

Vanessa…..Vanessa Bayer
Carol…..Cecily Strong
Aidy…..Aidy Bryant
Denise…..Nasim Pedrad
P.J……Melissa McCarthy

[ open on suburban home ]

Vanessa: Okay, ladies. Welcome to the first-ever meeting of Women’s Group! I know we’re all very busy with carpools and birthday parties, but I think it’s great that we’re taking time to focus on ourselves and our goals.

Carol: Oh! I thought this was just an excuse to drink white wine in the afternoon!

Aidy: Oh, you’re bad! [ they all laugh ]

Vanessa: Okay. I’ll go first. Um… My goal is to fall back in love with my husband. Um… I want us to play, and, uh… I want to be wooed. Carol?

Carol: Okay. Um… I guess…. Okay! I just want to, like, slow down, you know? I want to cook more, and worry less.

Denise: I’ll go! Um… I want to start really considering the things I put in my body. And… I want to take more photographs!

P.J.: I’ll go. Uh… This year, I would like to avenge the death of my father. He was taken from me ten years ago, and now I plan to exact my revenge on the individuals who caused me this pain.

Aidy: Um… I want to learn how to set up my Kindle.

Vanessa: Okay, um… That’s great, everybody. Now, let’s pull out those Vision Boards that we all made. [ they all pull out their boards ] Alright, now, uh… DEnise, would you like to go first?

Denise: Um… These are some images that I find inspirational. These are fresh-cut peonies… this is Jennifer Hudson… this is yogurt… and this is an angel!

P.J.: Okay, um… On mine… This is my Dad, and, uh, this is me over his dead body, screaming “Noooooo!!” This is really kind of, uh — This is a Before image, and then this is the After.

Carol: Are you holding a human head?

P.J.: Yeah, I am. This is the head of Raoul “El Scorpione” De la Monte. He’s the man who killed my father. This is the only known photo of him, and I HOPE to place red X’s of his own blood over his eyes when I find him… and, coincidentaly, I also have yogurt.

Vanessa: Very good job, P.J. I can tell you’re very serious about your goals. So, who’s next?

Carol: I wish I had gone before P.J. Um,,, but this mine, so, uh… This is my dream kitchen — it’s a Hampton-style, a lot of copper details. I like the airiness of it.

Vanessa: Mmm-hmm. Okay. Anyone else?

P.J.: [ raising her hand ] I’ve got another one. Um… I just kinda got into it. It says to me, uh… This Vidion Board is showing El Scorpione’s inner circle.

Denise: I’m sorry, why are you on there?

P.J.: Oh. Very astute. That’s nice. Uh, yeah — I’ve been able to infiltrate his organization by gaining their trust, mostly through sex. I consider my body a tool, not unlike the Swiss Army knife. And UI love that sweater, by the way.

Aidy: Oh. Uh… thank you, That’s a very lovely blazer.

P.J.: Oh. Yeah, I don’t even know where I got it… [ she lifts up a side, revealing a collection of knives ] Oh, yeah — Ann Taylor Loft.

Vanessa: Okay… um… and did anyone, or everyone, breing an object that inpsires them?

Aidy: Uh, yes! Okay, this is my own personal copy of “Under the Tuscan Sun” with Diane Lane, and, um… I don’t know! She just reminds me that we as women are like fine wines.

P.J.: I’d love to borrow that from you. I love the message. Uh… okay, I brought a box. Each time I’ve erased an individual as part of my journey, uh… I’ve taken a trophy and I’ve put it in here. But I will warn you that… the contents, once seen, cannot be unseen. You guys ready?

[ the women plead with P.J. not to open the box ]

P.J.: Are you sure? Okay. It was mostly ears and one penis.

Vanessa: P.J., I know we all just met you, but it seems like a lot of your visioning is less about finding your best self, and more about, um… murder.

P.J.: That’s fair.

Vanessa: But, you know, Women’s Group is about letting go of the past. So what I want to know is, not “Who was P.J.?”, but “Who is P.J.?”

P.J.: That’s a great question. Who is P.J.? Uh… P.J. likes to laugh… uhhh, P.J. can be a bit of a diva… uhhhh, P.J. should probably give herself a break, because she’s a good woman.

Carol: Uh, I’m sorry — P.J. what’s that red dot on your chest?

P.J.: Does it follow me when I move. [ she leans in her chair ]

Carol: Yeah.

P.J.: Okay. Um… How do you feel about gunfire in the home?

Vanessa: Well, I ask you to take off your shoes, so…

P.J.: Okay. Um… oky, um… I’m probably gonna go. I want to thank you for a lovely spread and having me in your home and I’ll see you at the next Women’s Group! [ she dives through the window ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *