Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 13
Melissa McCarthy’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Melissa McCarthy!
Melissa McCarthy: Thank you! Awww, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! I am so excited to be hosting “SNL” for the THIRD time! [ the audience cheers wildly ] I wasn’t really going to come back so soon, but I was already in town, you know, for the Suer Bowl and to support my husband Richard Sherman, so… We fight. We really, really like to mix it up! But the real reason I keep coming back is… I love bing here, and the whole cast is so great, and they’re so —
Bobby Moynihan: Melissa!! BOO-OO-OO-OOOOOO!! BOO-OO-OO!! You got a LOT of nerve coming back here, McCarthy!!
Melissa McCarthy: Uh… Bobby! I, uh, I don’t even know what this is about!
Bobby Moynihan: Are you kidding me?! You don’t remember the last time you hosted?!
Melissa McCarthy: Uh… no! I have no idea what you’re talking about! I remember I had a great time, I remember that —
Bobby Moynihan: Oh, you had a great time? Oh, ROLL the tape![ cut to filmed footage of McCarthy dressed in sunglasses as she exits the studio ]
Bobby Moynihan: Hey, good show, Melissa!
Melissa McCarthy: Suck it, Moynihan, I’m outta here!
Bobby Moynihan: What the hell is your problem?!
Melissa McCarthy: I don’t have a problem! I have my check, and I’m going home! [ she smacks a Valentine’s vase ] See you in Hell!
Bobby Moynihan: Whoa! Melissa, McCarthy, you are a BAD person! If you ever come back here, I’m gonna KICK YOUR ASS!!
Melissa McCarthy: Yeah? I would love to see you try! I would LOVE to see that!
Bobby Moynihan: Oh, yeah?!
Melissa McCarthy: MOVE, Lincoln! [ she shoves a costumed Abraham Lincoln ] You know what? I’m taking this! [ she seizes a nearby prop llama ] I’m taking the llama![ return to Home Base, as Bobby Moynihan adjusts his lift-straps ]
Bobby Moynihan: Ohhh, does that ring a bell?!
Melissa McCarthy: No! But I’m gonna wring yours! [ she strikes a fighter’s stance ]
Bobby Moynihan: Let’s settle this! [ he strikes a fighter’s stance ] [ the both lift into the air and swing their fists amid intense close-ups ]
Referee: [ close-up ] Round One! Battle of Lotus — Begin![ they fly toward one another, as Bobby strikes a blow and causes Melissa to flip backwards several times ]
Referee: Mmmm… Both of you show great promise! But can you survive Round Two! THROWING STARS!![ Melissa throws a series of nija stars at Bobby, who checks himself for casualties ]
Bobby Moynihan: Ha ha haaa!! You missed!
Melissa McCarthy: Did I?![ cut to Kenan Thompson with ninja star embedded in his forehead ]
Kenan Thompson: Gaaaaahhhhhh!!! [ he falls dead ]
Melissa McCarthy: Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!!
Referee: Ha ha ha ha! Very sneaky! Now! Prepare yourself for the Final Round! FIST TO FIST!![ Bobby strikes a pose with his fists ] [ Melissa brandishes a baseball bat ]
Bobby Moynihan: Wait… Wait, why does she have a BAT?! Why don’t I get a bat?! I don’t have a — [ he flies upward into the air and screams ] [ Melissa flies forward and whips Bobby’s ass with the bat ]
Referee: VICTORY! [ as he holds Melissa’s hand ] You are… the TRUE warrior!
Melissa McCarthy: Thank you! We’ve got a great show! Imagine Dragons are here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!