Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 14
Cowboy #1…..Brooks Wheelan
Cowboy #2…..Kenan Thompson
Cowboy #3…..Kyle Mooney
[ open on old western campfire ]
Dwayne: Well, killing a man ain’t never easy, but I’ll tell ya’ — that one wasn’t too hard! I guess I’m gonna hit the hay. Off to my tent. ‘Night, fellas!
Cowboys: ‘Night, Dwayne!![ Dwayne exits ]
Cowboy #1: Okay, guys — Tomorrow’s Dawyne’s birthday! Last year, we missed it. I gotta tell you, it hit him pretty hard.
Cowboy #2: Really? But Dwayne doesn’t seem like a guy who wanted to be fussed over.
Cowboy #1: Oh, who don’t like a little fussing on their birthday? Now, I was thinking we could take his holdster into town and get it personalized.
Cowboy #3: Oh! Like initials!
Cowboy #2: Or a snazy design!
Cowboy #1: Exactly! What do you think, Clem?[ Clem crinkles his nose in disgust ]
Cowboy #2: Well, Clem, why is your mouth so tense?
Clem: Oh, I don’t know! Seems like you’ve got his birthday all figured out!
Cowboy #3: Did you have an idea, Clem?
Clem: Well, yes, I did! And it was a great one!
Cowboy #1: Okay. So what was it?
Clem: I just thought it would be fun… if I popped out of the ground, and said: “Surprise!”
Cowboy #1: “Pop out of the ground”? How would that work?
Clem: Oh, easy! You dig a hole — a little bigger than me — I stand on some springs, then I get covered in a light layer of earth, and when the time is right someone activates the springs, I fly through the air into Dwayne’s face, screaming, “Supriiiise!”
Cowboy #1: That is not a very practical idea!
Cowboy #2: Yeah, we’re not gonna spend all day digging a HOLE for you, and then try and activate some springs!
Clem: Well, fine![ Dwayne returns ]
Dwayne: What’s going on out here? I thought I heard a woman.
Cowboy #1: [ nervously ] Oh, no… just talking about saddles and stuff… Uh… thought you was heading to bed?
Dwayne: I was! Good night, fellas!
Cowboy #3: Sweet dreams, Dwayne!
Dwayne: Nighty night! [ he exits ]
Cowboy #1: Okay, now that he’s gone I have two birthday car options that I want to show you guys. [ he holds up two greeting cards ] Now, this one is a turtle with a cowboy hat on it. It says: “Slow down, it’s your birthday!” [ he laughs ] And this is the other one. It’s a saloon woman with a BIG chest, and it says: “I’m about to BUST… ’cause it’s your birthday!” [ he laughs ] I can’t tell — Which one do you guys like?
Cowboy #2: Well, let me take a closer look at that saloon gal one!
Cowboy #3: And I want to look at the turtle…
Cowboy #1: Clem, which one do you like?
Clem: [ miffed ] I feel like we really blew past my pop-out-of-the-grounnd idea!
Cowboy #1: Really, Clem? That idea is IMPOSSIBLE!
Clem: Well, it’s not like it can’t be simplified! Oh, forget about the hole! Paint my body brown, to match the dirt! THen I’ll lay directly on top of some springs, somebody triggers the springs at the right time, and then I FLY into Dwayne’s face, screaming: “Surpriiiiiiiissssse!”
Cowboy #2: So we’re just gonna paint your naked body flat brown? That’s not gonna look anything like dirt!
Clem: Well, you have to model it a little! Maybe put some dirt up against my body sides, like a little hill or something.
Cowboy #3: Clem, why do you want to do this so bad?!
Cowboy #1: It’s so gosh-durned COMPLICATED!!
Clem: I just know what Dwayne likes! And he likes memorable moments.
Cowboy #1: I don’t think he’s gonna want a NAKED MAN flying out of the DIRT at him!
Clem: Nobody wants it until they get it!
Cowboy #2: Clem, you just talking a bunch of HOOEY again!
Clem: [ offended ] Yeah, well, you just forget I said anything, then!
Cowboy #1: Clem, come on! Don’t be like that! Now, I got a birthday cake. Look — [ he holds up a boot cake ] it says “You’re gonna get a KICK out your birthday!” [ they all laugh ]
Clem: These ideas are so BORING! They’ve been done to DEATH! I’m walking into the night! [ he storms off ]
Cowboy #3: Clem!![ cut to sunset with SUPER “The Next Day” over bouncy music ] [ dissolve to Dwayne and the cowboys eating birthday cake ]
Dwayne: Thanks so much for the card, the cake, and the holster! This has been the BEST birthday ever! [ he glances off-camera ] Hey… was that dirt pile here last night?[ suddenly, a comical “Sproing!” sound effect is heard, as a Clem dummy flies into Dwayne’s face ]
Clem: SURPRISE!![ startled, Dwayne fires nine rounds into Clem’s naked body ]
Dwayne: I… think that was Clem…[ the other cowboys throw their arms up in bewilderment ] [ fade ]