SNL Transcripts: Jim Parsons: 03/01/14: Elevator

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 14

13n: Jim Parsons / Beck


Henry…..Mike O’Brien
Mr. Conrad…..Jim Parsons
Female Employee…..Aidy Bryant
Reggie the Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Other Passengers…..Noel Wells, Bobby Moynihan, Sasheer Zamata, John Milhiser, Vanessa Bayer

[ open on elevator door opening, as Mr. Conrad rushes in ] [ as the doors close, Henry pushes his way into the elevator ]

Henry: Hey, Mr. Conrad Taking off early for the day?

Mr. Conrad: [ irked ] Yes.

Henry: Mind if I join you?

Mr. Conrad: Uh… I’d rather that you finished your work, Henry.

Henry: Actually, I have a question about the T-4s?

Mr. Conrad: Very well.

Henry: [ sniffing ] What’s that smell…?

Mr. Conrad: [ he lowers his bag ] I don’t know, Henry… Look, you said you had a question?

Henry: You don’t smell that, though…?

Mr. Conrad: [ annoyed ] Yeah, I do! But, please, just ask your question, I’d like to get home! Please!

Henry: Okay… it smells pretty bad… Uh, so are we supposed to have our T-4s done by tomorrow?

Mr. Conrad: Yes. We need them by 5:00.

Henry: Okay, cool. Just double-checking. [ he glances downward ] What’s in the bag?

Mr. Conrad: [ nervous ] I, uh… this is, this is just a piece of dirty laundry…

Henry: One piece?

Mr. Conrad: Yeah! Yes, it’s an undergarment.

Henry: Weird. Hey, did you hear that super-loud boom from the construction site this morning?

Mr. Conrad: [ uncomfortable ] Yes…

Henry: It really scared a lot of people. It almost sounded like a BOMB!

Mr. Conrad: Yes… yes, that is EXACTLY what it sounded like.

Henry: It really shows how you’d react if a bomb went off, though.

Mr. Conrad: I… suppose it does.

Henry: Like, it shows what a man you are, I guess. I threw my body on top of Susan, to shield her! It sounds silly now! What did you do?

Mr. Conrad: [ trying to hide his bag ] I… reacted as well.

[ the doors open as a Female Employee steps into the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh! Hello, Mr. Conrad!

Mr. Conrad: Oh, no…

Female Employee: [ covering her nose ] Oh, my God…! I’m sorry, what is that smell?! Like, that’s INSANE!

Henry: None of us can figure it out. Right, Mr. Conrad?

Mr. Conrad: That is correct. It’s a mystery.

Female Employee: Oh… man! Mr. Conrad, did you hear that big BOOM from construction this morning?

Henry: He did! He thought it was a bomb, too.

Female Employee: Oh, I know! Kevin from Accounts made a really funny joke that he nearly CRAPPED his pants!

[ Henry laughs, as Mr. Conrad holds his poker face ]

Mr. Conrad: Okay, I don’t think that’s very funny.

Female Employee: Oh! Well, it is funny, because he didn’t crap his pants! He actually grabbed a fire extinguisher, and then he headed towards that blast. Yeah. It’s amazing, like, in a time of crisis, just like what comes out.

Mr. Conrad: Yeah. Oooooookay, you know what? I think this is my stop, so I’ll see you both tomorrow.

[ Mr. Conrad frantically presses buttons, as the elevator door finally opens to let Reggie the Janitor aboard ]

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, DAY-AM!! It smell like DOOKIE in here!!

Henry: Hey, Reggie!

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, I’m sorry. Y’all goin’ DOWN? Aw, dammit, I’m goin’ up! Some executive CRAPPED on his chair, and I gotta go clean it up!

[ Reggie squirts cleanser on his rag, as Henry and ?? laugh and Mr. Conrad tries to disappear in the back of the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh, my God, that’s HILARIOUS!!

Reggie the Janitor: Uhhh, that’s actually NOT funny, it’s SAD! He’s a grown man!

[ suddenly, there’s a boom and the lights flicker and everyone screams ]

Reggie the Janitor: [ sniffing ] Well… NOW it smells like old dookie in a bag… and NEW dookie in PANTS!!

Female Employee: Oh, you’re right! [ she tries to ship the foul air away from her face ] It smells horrible…

[ suddenly, the doors open and a group of people enter the elevator, immediately repelled by the competing smells of dookie ]

Mr. Conrad: How LONG is this elevator ride?!

[ fade ]

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