SNL Transcripts: Jim Parsons: 03/01/14: Elevator


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 14

13n: Jim Parsons / Beck


Henry…..Mike O’Brien
Mr. Conrad…..Jim Parsons
Female Employee…..Aidy Bryant
Reggie the Janitor…..Kenan Thompson
Other Passengers…..Noel Wells, Bobby Moynihan, Sasheer Zamata, John Milhiser, Vanessa Bayer

[ open on elevator door opening, as Mr. Conrad rushes in ] [ as the doors close, Henry pushes his way into the elevator ]

Henry: Hey, Mr. Conrad Taking off early for the day?

Mr. Conrad: [ irked ] Yes.

Henry: Mind if I join you?

Mr. Conrad: Uh… I’d rather that you finished your work, Henry.

Henry: Actually, I have a question about the T-4s?

Mr. Conrad: Very well.

Henry: [ sniffing ] What’s that smell…?

Mr. Conrad: [ he lowers his bag ] I don’t know, Henry… Look, you said you had a question?

Henry: You don’t smell that, though…?

Mr. Conrad: [ annoyed ] Yeah, I do! But, please, just ask your question, I’d like to get home! Please!

Henry: Okay… it smells pretty bad… Uh, so are we supposed to have our T-4s done by tomorrow?

Mr. Conrad: Yes. We need them by 5:00.

Henry: Okay, cool. Just double-checking. [ he glances downward ] What’s in the bag?

Mr. Conrad: [ nervous ] I, uh… this is, this is just a piece of dirty laundry…

Henry: One piece?

Mr. Conrad: Yeah! Yes, it’s an undergarment.

Henry: Weird. Hey, did you hear that super-loud boom from the construction site this morning?

Mr. Conrad: [ uncomfortable ] Yes…

Henry: It really scared a lot of people. It almost sounded like a BOMB!

Mr. Conrad: Yes… yes, that is EXACTLY what it sounded like.

Henry: It really shows how you’d react if a bomb went off, though.

Mr. Conrad: I… suppose it does.

Henry: Like, it shows what a man you are, I guess. I threw my body on top of Susan, to shield her! It sounds silly now! What did you do?

Mr. Conrad: [ trying to hide his bag ] I… reacted as well.

[ the doors open as a Female Employee steps into the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh! Hello, Mr. Conrad!

Mr. Conrad: Oh, no…

Female Employee: [ covering her nose ] Oh, my God…! I’m sorry, what is that smell?! Like, that’s INSANE!

Henry: None of us can figure it out. Right, Mr. Conrad?

Mr. Conrad: That is correct. It’s a mystery.

Female Employee: Oh… man! Mr. Conrad, did you hear that big BOOM from construction this morning?

Henry: He did! He thought it was a bomb, too.

Female Employee: Oh, I know! Kevin from Accounts made a really funny joke that he nearly CRAPPED his pants!

[ Henry laughs, as Mr. Conrad holds his poker face ]

Mr. Conrad: Okay, I don’t think that’s very funny.

Female Employee: Oh! Well, it is funny, because he didn’t crap his pants! He actually grabbed a fire extinguisher, and then he headed towards that blast. Yeah. It’s amazing, like, in a time of crisis, just like what comes out.

Mr. Conrad: Yeah. Oooooookay, you know what? I think this is my stop, so I’ll see you both tomorrow.

[ Mr. Conrad frantically presses buttons, as the elevator door finally opens to let Reggie the Janitor aboard ]

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, DAY-AM!! It smell like DOOKIE in here!!

Henry: Hey, Reggie!

Reggie the Janitor: Aw, I’m sorry. Y’all goin’ DOWN? Aw, dammit, I’m goin’ up! Some executive CRAPPED on his chair, and I gotta go clean it up!

[ Reggie squirts cleanser on his rag, as Henry and ?? laugh and Mr. Conrad tries to disappear in the back of the elevator ]

Female Employee: Oh, my God, that’s HILARIOUS!!

Reggie the Janitor: Uhhh, that’s actually NOT funny, it’s SAD! He’s a grown man!

[ suddenly, there’s a boom and the lights flicker and everyone screams ]

Reggie the Janitor: [ sniffing ] Well… NOW it smells like old dookie in a bag… and NEW dookie in PANTS!!

Female Employee: Oh, you’re right! [ she tries to ship the foul air away from her face ] It smells horrible…

[ suddenly, the doors open and a group of people enter the elevator, immediately repelled by the competing smells of dookie ]

Mr. Conrad: How LONG is this elevator ride?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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