SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 16

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

March 29th, 2014

Louis C.K.

Sam Smith



None MeetingSummary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) relunctantly poses with recent social media tropes in a last-minute attempt to promote his healthcare plan.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber.


Louis C.K.’s MonologueSummary: Louis C.K. performs observational stand-up about the existence of God and heaven, women, and wifebeater t-shirts.


Black JeopardySummary: White contestant (Louis C.K.) doesn’t stand a chance against the vague, correct answers given by his opponents (Jay Pharoah, Sasheer Zamata).

Baby Boss Summary: Baby boss Richard Patterson’s (Beck Bennett) takes it hard when his favorite company vice-president (Louis C.K.) announces his plans to relocate to a new job.

Recurring Characters: Richard Patterson.

Jos. A BanksSummary: Mom (Vanessa Bayer) uses “Buy 1 Get 3 Free” suits from Jos. A. Banks to clean her family’s messiest spills.

Sam Smith performs “Stay With Me”

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin JostSummary: Sports correspondent Steven A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) rambles through his NCAA picks.

Recurring Characters: Steven A. Smith.

Mr. Big StuffSummary:

Darth Vader Action FigureSummary: Patient (Louis C.K.) insists that his doctor (Mike O’Brien) check his butt for any Darth Vader action figures that shouldn’t be there.

Private EyesSummary: Detective Brock (Louis C.K.) tries to persuade his partner (Vanessa Bayer) to cut holes in her pajamas and make love to him.

Dyke & FatsSummary: 1970’s tough-broad TV cops Dyke (Kate McKinnon) and Fats (Aidy Bryant) won’t allow anyone else to call them by their nicknames.

Sam Smith performs “Lay Me Down”

Chris for PresidentSummary: Slacker Chris Fitzpatrick (Kyle Mooney) is running for Class President and is ready to acto way cool in order to get the job.


Romantic SpeechSummary: Dave (Louis C.K.) makes a passioned plea for his ex-girlfriend (Aidy Bryant) to take him back.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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