SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14: Chris for President

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 16

13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Chris for President

Chris Fitzpatrick…..Kyle Mooney

[ open to choppy video of Chris Fitzpatrick at high school ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: What’s up, everybody? I’m Chris Fitzpatrick, and I’m running for ASB Class President.

[ cut to animated title card ]

[ random shot of Chris jumping ]

[ random shot of car crash ]

[ random shot of Chris lunging toward the camera ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch. All I ever hear is rap music and that bubblegum boy-band crap like Christina Crapulera. If I’m elected President, I’m gonna play good-ass music: Subverted Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, all those bands. Plus, I know some of those guys in the band, so I can probably get them to play our school.

[ random shot of soldiers marching ]

[ random shot of riot fire ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Just because you get good grades doesn’t mean you’re smart. I’m actually really smart, but I don’t do good at tests and pop quizzes ’cause I have concentration issues.

[ over graphics ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: When I was in middle school, I wrote 28 poems. But now, since I’m in high school, I’ve written over 60. I want to put together a collection of my poems, and then I want to sell them to everybody. But if you vote for me, you get a discount.

[ random shot of guy in death mask ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: We need more clubs. Maybe a movie club, where we watch actually good movies like “Lock, Stock and Kids”, stuff like that. Or maybe a guitar based drum club, or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.

[ random Getty Images footage of police chase ]

[ randm shot of Chris sticking his tongue out ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: My girlfriend Allie doesn’t go to our school, ’cause she lives in a different zoning area than Kentwood. But if you elect me President, Allie’s allowed to go to our school.

[ random shots of Chris jumping a railing and trying to climb a fence ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Vending machines. We need MORE of ’em! Hell, if I’m President, I’ll even spke the water fountain with vodka.

[ random Gettys Image of a police arrest ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: A little bit about me: I have a dog at home — He’s a part GErman shephard, and his name is Sammy. I don’t like extra stuff on my hamburgers, just plain, no vegetables or pickles. I’m a simple guy. I also lost my virginity at 16, but had done other stuff before that. I’m friends with Blacks, Asians and Mexicans. I don’t see color when I look at a person, but no offense, whites make the best music.

[ random shot of Chris hopping down stadium steps ]

[ random shot of Chris smoking a cigarette ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: So vote for me as ASB Class President. And don’t vote Daniel Nguyen, ’cause he’s never even smoked a cigarette.

[ fade ]

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