SNL Transcripts: Louis C.K.: 03/29/14: Chris for President


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 16

13p: Louis C.K. / Sam Smith

Chris for President

Chris Fitzpatrick…..Kyle Mooney

[ open to choppy video of Chris Fitzpatrick at high school ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: What’s up, everybody? I’m Chris Fitzpatrick, and I’m running for ASB Class President.

[ cut to animated title card ]

[ random shot of Chris jumping ]

[ random shot of car crash ]

[ random shot of Chris lunging toward the camera ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: One thing I want to change is the music they play at lunch. All I ever hear is rap music and that bubblegum boy-band crap like Christina Crapulera. If I’m elected President, I’m gonna play good-ass music: Subverted Consciousness, Temporary Flawed, One Last Breath, all those bands. Plus, I know some of those guys in the band, so I can probably get them to play our school.

[ random shot of soldiers marching ]

[ random shot of riot fire ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Just because you get good grades doesn’t mean you’re smart. I’m actually really smart, but I don’t do good at tests and pop quizzes ’cause I have concentration issues.

[ over graphics ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: When I was in middle school, I wrote 28 poems. But now, since I’m in high school, I’ve written over 60. I want to put together a collection of my poems, and then I want to sell them to everybody. But if you vote for me, you get a discount.

[ random shot of guy in death mask ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: We need more clubs. Maybe a movie club, where we watch actually good movies like “Lock, Stock and Kids”, stuff like that. Or maybe a guitar based drum club, or a CD club where you make CDs and stickers.

[ random Getty Images footage of police chase ]

[ randm shot of Chris sticking his tongue out ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: My girlfriend Allie doesn’t go to our school, ’cause she lives in a different zoning area than Kentwood. But if you elect me President, Allie’s allowed to go to our school.

[ random shots of Chris jumping a railing and trying to climb a fence ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: Vending machines. We need MORE of ’em! Hell, if I’m President, I’ll even spke the water fountain with vodka.

[ random Gettys Image of a police arrest ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: A little bit about me: I have a dog at home — He’s a part GErman shephard, and his name is Sammy. I don’t like extra stuff on my hamburgers, just plain, no vegetables or pickles. I’m a simple guy. I also lost my virginity at 16, but had done other stuff before that. I’m friends with Blacks, Asians and Mexicans. I don’t see color when I look at a person, but no offense, whites make the best music.

[ random shot of Chris hopping down stadium steps ]

[ random shot of Chris smoking a cigarette ]

Chris Fitzpatrick: So vote for me as ASB Class President. And don’t vote Daniel Nguyen, ’cause he’s never even smoked a cigarette.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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