Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 17
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
[ open on explosion behind the hills ]
Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!
Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!
Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!
Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?
Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!
Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?![ Big Joe lurches forward ]
Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!
Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?
Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!
Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!
Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.
Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!
Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!
Sara: What?! Are you sure?
Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!
Sara: You didn’t try for very long!
Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!
Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!
Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!
Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]
Red: I got it!
Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!
Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!
Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!
Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?
Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]
Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!
Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!
Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]
Sara: Oh! That was easy!
Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!
Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!
Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!
Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!
Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —
Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!
Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…
Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!
Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…
Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!
Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?
Brother: Oh boy…[ Dutch enters ]
Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.
Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?
Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.
Big Joe: I’ll do it!!
Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.
Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!
Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe![ music sting ]
Big Joe: What did you say?
Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.
Big Joe: DON’T… NO-BODY… CALL… ME… WEEEEEEAAAKKKK!![ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]
Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!
Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!
Big Joe: What about your brother?
Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.
Big Joe: Oh.
Sara: He’s marrying us.
Brother: I got ordained!
Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?
Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!![ cut to all three men ]
Together: [ singing ]“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”
Big Joe: I can’t do it!
Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”[ iris out on Big Joe ] [ fade ]