SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Big Joe

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 17

13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Big Joe

Brother…..Bobby Moynihan
Sara…..Anna Kendrick
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Red…..Kyle Mooney
Boy…..John Milhiser
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
Dutch…..Beck Bennett

[ open on explosion behind the hills ]

Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!

Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!

Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!

Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?

Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!

Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?!

[ Big Joe lurches forward ]

Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!

Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?

Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!

Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!

Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.

Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!

Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!

Sara: What?! Are you sure?

Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!

Sara: You didn’t try for very long!

Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!

Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!

Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!

Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —

[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]

Red: I got it!

Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!

Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!

Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!

Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?

Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]

Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!

Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!

Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]

Sara: Oh! That was easy!

Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!

Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!

Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!

Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!

Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —

Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!

Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…

Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!

Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…

Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!

Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?

Brother: Oh boy…

[ Dutch enters ]

Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.

Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?

Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.

Big Joe: I’ll do it!!

Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.

Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!

Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe!

[ music sting ]

Big Joe: What did you say?

Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.


[ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]

Sara: Joe?

Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!

Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!

Big Joe: What about your brother?

Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.

Big Joe: Oh.

Sara: He’s marrying us.

Brother: I got ordained!

Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?

Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!!

[ cut to all three men ]

Together: [ singing ]“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”

[ Big Joe lurches forward with a fiddle and squeaks out a tune ]

Big Joe: I can’t do it!

Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”

[ iris out on Big Joe ] [ fade ]

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