SNL Transcripts: Anna Kendrick: 04/05/14: Big Joe



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 17


















13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams

Big Joe

Brother…..Bobby Moynihan
Sara…..Anna Kendrick
Big Joe…..Taran Killam
Black Guy…..Kenan Thompson
Red…..Kyle Mooney
Boy…..John Milhiser
Little Girl…..Noel Wells
Dutch…..Beck Bennett

[ open on explosion behind the hills ]

Brother: Helllllp! Help! Somebody, hellllp!

Sara: Dear Lord, Daniel! What happened here?!

Brother: Oh, the mine! It came down on me! Ooh, it hurts something awful!

Sara: Oh, we need to get you to a doctor! Can you get up?

Brother: Ain’t no good! These rocks done pinned my legs!

Sara: Ohhh…! Help! Someone, help! Anyone! My brother’s trapped! [ townspeople run forward ] Oh, well, don’t just stand there! Someone, please! Can anyone lift thiese rocks?!

[ Big Joe lurches forward ]

Big Joe: [ deep-voiced ] I’lllll do it!

Sara: Big Joe? Are you sure? Have you ever picked up something this heavy?

Big Joe: From time to tiiiiiime!

Sara: If you save my brother, I’ll be FOREVER in your debt!

Big Joe: I’d do anything for you, Miss Sara.

Sara: Oh, Big Joe! Hang in their, Daniel — Joe’s gonna save ya’!

Big Joe: Alright, now! Everybody stand baaaaack! [ he slaps his hands together ] Here goooooes! [ he squats and attempts to pick up a large rock, then stands back up ] I can’t do it!

Sara: What?! Are you sure?

Big Joe: It can’t be doooooone!

Sara: You didn’t try for very long!

Big Joe: He gonna diiiie!

Brother: Well, I don’t WANNA die!

Red: We won’t let you, Daniel! Let ME give a try!

Big Joe: It ain’t no use! If Big Joe can’t do it —

[ Red lifts one of the rocks ]

Red: I got it!

Big Joe: Alright, well… That’s good, he got a little rock!

Brother: Come on! Keep on going, Red!

Big Joe: No, no, Red! Uh, Big Joe! I’ll do it! [ he squats to lift a large rock grunts, then stands ] No, I can’t! I can’t do it!

Sara: Joe, why don’t you sit back and give Red another try?

Big Joe: No, Miss Sara, it won’t do no good. Your brother’s DOOMED! I’ll crush his skull. [ he raises one leg ]

Sara: NO! That’s my brother! I’m gonna get you out of there, Daniel!

Big Joe: Careful, Miss Sara…!

Brother: [ she grabs a rock and lifts it aside ]

Sara: Oh! That was easy!

Big Joe: Uhhhh… I loosened that one — I get credit!

Sara: Line up, everybody! Just grab a rock, and let’s get Daniel out of here!

Big Joe: The rest of these rocks are STUCK! Ain’t going NOWHERE!

Black Guy: [ lifting rock ] I got this one!

Big Joe: Okay, go ahead! That wasn’t anything —

Boy: [ lifting rock ] I’ll get this one!

Big Joe: Okay, well, he’s skinny, okay…

Little Girl: [ grabbing largest rock ] I want to help!

Big Joe: Careful, little girl! Ohhhh, wowwww…

Brother: Hey, Big Joe? Maybe you can’t lift the rock because you’ve got some kind of bone disease!

Big Joe: Bone disease? Like what took my Pop?

Brother: Oh boy…

[ Dutch enters ]

Dutch: Hey there, Big Joe. Why don’t you have a seat. [ he removes his hat ] I’ll get the rest, Miss Sara.

Sara: The rest look pretty heavy, Dutch. You sure you can handle it?

Dutch: As sure as I am that you’re a vision.

Big Joe: I’ll do it!!

Sara: No, Joe — You’re tired.

Big Joe: No, I got a second wind!

Dutch: You’re looking mighty weak, Joe!

[ music sting ]

Big Joe: What did you say?

Dutch: Don’t mean no offense. You just looking very, very, very weak.

Big Joe: DON’T… NO-BODY… CALL… ME… WEEEEEEAAAKKKK!!

[ Big Joe squats down to the lift the rock, then remains in place as a series of sunsets and sunrises elapse ]

Sara: Joe?

Big Joe: [ standing ] I just can’t do it!

Sara: We know, Joe. Uh — Dutch and I are getting married today!

Big Joe: What about your brother?

Sara: He got out a while ago, Joe.

Big Joe: Oh.

Sara: He’s marrying us.

Brother: I got ordained!

Sara: Joe? Would you be our ring bearer?

Big Joe: Wellll… it’s not my first choice… but it would be my honor. [ Sara hands him the ring pillow, as he topples to the ground ] CAN’T DO IT!!

[ cut to all three men ]

Together: [ singing ]“Well, his heart was big and his bones are brittle
But there ain’t nobody better on a fiddle!”

[ Big Joe lurches forward with a fiddle and squeaks out a tune ]

Big Joe: I can’t do it!

Together: [ singing ] “Big Joooooooooe!!”

[ iris out on Big Joe ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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