Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 17
13q: Anna Kendrick / Pharrell Williams
Flirty
Evan…..Kyle Mooney
Sara…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy…..Beck Bennett
Evan: Oh… hey! Sara!
Sara: Heyyyy!
Evan: Nice to see you!
Sara: It’s so great to see you, too!
Evan: You look, um… AMAZING! As always!
Sara: Thank you!
Evan: I mean, I’m sorry… maybe I’m being too…
Sara: No, no, no! You look like maybe you’re going to the gym…
Evan: Oh… yeah! I gotta go… work out…
Sara: That’s not a surprise! It totally looks like you… work out! [ he laughs ] And you’ve got a great personality!
Evan: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah — Look who I’m talking to, huh! Miss Perfect. [ they laugh ] This might sound weird… uh… Would you ever want to maybe, like… I don’t know… get… you know… [ awkward pause ] more groceries…? Uh, uh… for you…
Sara: Uh… yeah…!
Evan: …’cause maybe you want to… go get some more…?
Sara: Oh…
Evan: …in case you run out…?
Sara: Yeah! O-of course! Um… you know what they say, um… “More food… more, uh… attitude.”
Evan: Yeah! I think I read that… on a… bumper… sticker… or something?
Sara: Okay.
Evan: I should go!
Sara: Uh… yeah. Of course.
Evan: See you, Sara.
Sara: Yeah. Yeah.
[ Evan shirks away, as Sara regrets the missed opportunity ] [ dissolve to Evan washing his clothes at the laundromat, as Sara enters ]Sara: Oh.
Evan: Oh… hey. Sara!
Sara: Hey!
Evan: [ holding his dirty underwear ] Oh. No! My… I got poop on my underwear!
Sara: Oh…
Evan: No, no, no! I’m not gonna lie to you!
Sara: [ laughing ] I feel like I always have… poop… on my underwear!
Evan: No!
Sara: Unavoidable!
Evan: Two… poos in a pod! [ they laugh ] Listen, Sara, uh… gosh, this is dumb! Uhhh… I… I just wanted you to know that… I really, really, really… REALLY… like… you… uuuuuth soccer…?
Sara: Oh! Oh… uh… me, too! Um… good for the kids, you know, to, uh…
Evan: Yeah!
Sara: …be out in the fresh air.
Evan: Yeah! Getting exercise, and, uh…
[ Sara leans in, as though closing in for a kiss, and then: ]Sara: Sorry, uh… just have to get to this machine.
Evan: Yeah! I needed to, uh…
Sara: Yeah.
Evan: You know what? I think I left, uh… my… walllll… phone. My wall and my cell phone! I sound like an idiot!
Sara: And I… should go do laundry!
Evan: Yeah!
Sara: So… um…
Evan: I’ll see ya’!
[ dissolve to next day, as Sara walks down the hall ]Evan: Sara! Wait! [ she turns ] Hey. I-I-I just gotta say this: Do you wanna go…?
[ suddenly, another Guy enters the hall ]Guy: Hey, Sara! Do you wanna have sex with me right now?
Sara: Sure!
Guy: Awesome! I guess I’ll just go get set up and… give myself a boner.
Sara: Okay! Great! [ he exits ] Um… Evan? What were you… gonna ask me?
Evan: [ he shrugs ] Do you want to go on a date with me?
Sara: I… would LOVE to! Um… and, and… I don’t know, would you want to go on that date, um… tonight?
Evan: YES!! I mean… Yes. That would be awesome.
[ the guy reappears in the hallway ]Guy: I’m ready NOW!!
Sara: Okay.
Guy: Come on! [ he exits into his apartment ]
Sara: Okay, well, uh… I’m just gonna go fuck this guy, and then… we’ll go on our date!
[ she follows into the other guy’s apartment ]Evan: See ya’! [ to himself ] Yes! She’s going on a date… with me!
[ he jumps into the air ] [ freeze-frame ] [ fade ]