SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18












13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

Man…..Beck Bennett
Woman…..Vanessa Bayer

[ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

Man: Are you ready to find out?

Woman: I’m nervous.

Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.

[ cut to couple in testimonial ]

Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.

Man: And we didn’t want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”

Woman: We wanted more information.

Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.

[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!

Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!

Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.

Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”

Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

Woman: So?!

Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…

Woman: Oh, my God…

Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?

Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

Woman: Pregnancy found!!

Man: YES!!

Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

Man: Great.

Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

Man: Fine!

[ cut to product ]

Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.

[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

[ they hug ]

Together: Thanks, CNN!!

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Hmm.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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