Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 18
CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test
Man: Are you ready to find out?
Woman: I’m nervous.
Man: Don’t be! Everything’s going to be fine.
Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn’t a simple decision.
Man: And we didnt want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple “Yes” or “No.”
Woman: We wanted more information.
Man: And when it comes to giving information, there’s only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.
Woman: That’s why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it’s working hard to find out if we’re having a baby.[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!
Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its “Breaking News” screen.
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!
Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU’RE PREGNANT!
Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!
Why is this taking so long? It’s 2014!
Man: Honey, it’s not the stick’s fault, it’s telling you everything it knows.
Woman: I know. I’m not mad at the stick. It’s just — This was fun at first, but now it’s just: “WAIT, and tell me when you know!”
Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!
Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!…
Woman: Oh, my God…
Man: [ groggy ] We’re having a baby…?
Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.
Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy —
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!
Woman: Pregnancy found!!
Woman V/O: I know it’ll be accurate —
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!
Woman V/O: 15% of the time.
Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!
Man: Fine![ cut to product ]
Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.
Woman: For when you want to know, but they don’t know.[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]
Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant![ they hug ]
Together: Thanks, CNN!!
Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!
Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.
Woman: Hmm.[ fade ]