Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 18
Blue River Dog Food
[ open on couple seated on couch ]
Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?
Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]
Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.
Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]
Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?
Pat: We did look, and now we know better.
Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!
Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!
Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?
Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?
Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!
Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!
Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!
Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!
Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!
Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.
Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!
Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!
Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!
[ the dog remains silent ]
Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!
Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!
Pat: I AM ANGRY!!
Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!
Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!
Cindy: HOW, Pat?!
Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!
Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”
[ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]
Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!
Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!
Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]
Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!
[ the dog just stares at the camera ]
Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!
Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!
[ she screams in his face ]
Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!
[ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]
Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!
Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!
Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…
Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!
Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…
[ cut to product image ]
Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.
[ fade ]