SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Blue River Dog Food



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18










13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Blue River Dog Food

Cindy…..Cecily Strong
Pat…..Seth Rogen

[ open on couple seated on couch ]

Cindy: Our animals? They’re like part of the family. [ to her dog ] Right, Peanut?

Pat: We have kids, too! [ he chuckles ]

Cindy: But the animals, we’ve had longer. And I want the best for them. That’s why we switched to… Blue River Dog Food.

Pat: Blue River NEVER skimps on ingredients, like our old dog food. I mean, look what our dog was eating before: [ he holds up old dog food bag ]

Cindy: [ reading ] “Ground yellow corn”? “Chicken byproduct meal”? I mean, did they really think we weren’t gonna look?

Pat: We did look, and now we know better.

Cindy: I know, but… the thing that gets me is, it’s, like… what kind of person thinks it’s okay to put a big drawing of a chicken on the front of the bag, and yet, there’s no chicken in there!

Pat: It’s okay, honey! [ he laughs nervously ] We’re using BLUE RIVER now!

Cindy: [ laughing maniacally ] Well, how is that okay, Pat? HOW?! ‘Cause… we fed that old GARBAGE to our DOG, Pat! You know?

Pat: I know. Are you… are you about to cry right now?

Cindy: Um… maybe! I don’t know!

Pat: It’s, it’s, it’s okay! We switched brands!

Cindy: It’s NOT okay, Pat! It’s like they think I’m DUMB!!

Pat: No, they don’t think we’re dumb, they just think we don’t care as much as we do!

Cindy: Ohhh, please! Give me a break, BIG NAME DOG FOOD!! You know, what OTHER compromises can we make?!! You want to have SEX with my husband?!! BEND OVER, Pat, they want to GET THAT ASS!!

Pat: No! I-I-I-I don’t think that’s what they want…! I think they’re just cutting corners on their dog food.

Cindy: “Cutting corners”?! There’s no CHICKEN, Pat!!

Pat: Th-th-th-there is some chicken! There’s just not that much chicken! There are trace amounts of chicken!

Cindy: Oh! Oh! “Trace amounts”! I’m sorry, I’m just INSANE!! That’s great! “Trace amounts”! Have you heard that, Peanut?! Have you tasted “trace amounts of chicken”?!

[ the dog remains silent ]

Pat: Look — I don’t know what you want me to DO, Cindy! Okay?!

Cindy: GET ANGRY, PAT!! YOU BE ON MY SIDE FOR ONCE!!

Pat: I AM ANGRY!!

Cindy: NO, YOU’RE NOT!! I have SEEN you angry!! You be a MAN, Pat!!

Pat: I AM BEING A MAN!! I’M BEING A MAN RIGHT NOW!! I DON’T APPRECIATE THAT!! I’M TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER!!

Cindy: HOW, Pat?!

Pat: WE SWITCHED BRANDS!! THREE WEEKS AGO!!

Cindy: [ crying ] IT’S NOT ENOUGH!! I WANT SOMEONE FROM THAT COMPANY TO COME HERE… AND LOOK MY DOG IN THE FACE AND SAY… “SORRY!!!”

[ the dog is pre-occupied with a chew toy ]

Cindy: AND SAY “SORRY” TO ME, AND THEN “SORRY” TO MY FAMILY… AND THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!! YOU CAN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT, FOR ALL I CARE!!

Pat: Honey, Big Brand Dog Food is NOT gonna do that!

Cindy: [ clutching her temple ] I hate everyone on Earth…!! People are LIARS… and LOSERS!! [ she screams ]

Pat: SHUT UP!! YOU’RE UPSETTING THE DOG!!

[ the dog just stares at the camera ]

Cindy: Our DOG?!! Our dog is BRAIN DEAD from eating LITTER and CRAP DOG it’s WHOLE LIFE!!

Pat: I need you to calm down!! Okay?!!

[ she screams in his face ]

Pat: Just… walk around! Get some air! Okay?!

[ she walks to the back wall and stretches her arms to the ceiling ]

Cindy: I give up! I TOTALLY give up! You know? They win! There’s no fight left in me. Big Name Brand Dog Food, you won, okay? [ she returns to the couch and sits ] Take my dog, take my house… I’m done…!

Pat: Honey… we’re feeding the dog the GOOD STUFF now! We’re GOOD!!

Cindy: Are, are we? I want to believe that you care about me, but…

Pat: Honey… we bought BLUE RIVER DOG FOOD as SOON as we found out!!

Cindy: [ she shrugs ] Okay…

[ cut to product image ]

Announcer: They switched to Blue River. Real ingredients and real quality. Show your pet you care.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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