Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 18
Monster Pals
Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
Danny…..Mike O’Brien
Bully…..Seth Rogen
Patron…..Taran Killam
[ open on Clancy’s Bar ]
Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.
Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?
[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]
Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!
[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]
[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]
Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?
Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.
[ they hug ]
[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]
[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?
Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.
Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.
[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]
[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.
[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.
[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.
Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.
[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]
[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]
[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?
Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!
[ they hug ]
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!
Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.
Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.
Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.
Jim: James.
[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]
Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?
Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…
Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…
Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…
Jim: Oh, well.
Danny: Good to see you!
[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]
[ SUPER: “The End” ]
