SNL Transcripts: Seth Rogen: 04/12/14: Monster Pals


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 18

13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Monster Pals

Bartender…..Kenan Thompson
Jim…..Connor O’Malley/James Franco
Danny…..Mike O’Brien
Bully…..Seth Rogen
Patron…..Taran Killam

[ open on Clancy’s Bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey — no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What’s UP, uglies? Nice… gross green skin! This guy’s got… He-Man’s HAIR! He doesn’t even have LIPS! Where’s this guy’s LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don’t look in that mirror right there… ’cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He’s right, Danny. We’re ugly! I’ve been thinking about getting the surgery.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa… Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It’s just, if you get a surgery to look human… how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

Jim: Hey, man… Even if I look human, inside I’ll always be… your buddy Jim.

[ they hug ]

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

Patron: You’re looking for Jim? I’m not Jim, I’m Dave!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can’t just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don’t know what’s going on ]

[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from “Monsters University” ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There’s been a misunderstanding.

[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo… I actually work out quite a bit myself.

Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during “The Today Show” ]

[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh… Jim…?

Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

[ they hug ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You’re a hunk!

Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I’m really happy for you, Jim.

Jim: I don’t go by “Jim” any more. Now it’s… James.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

Jim: James.

[ SUPER: “One Week Later” ]

Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

Danny: I am, yeah — I feel good. I mean… I don’t love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon…

Jim: Yeah, I don’t know why you chose that face…

Danny: It’s just a little bit cheaper, and… hmm…

Jim: Oh, well.

Danny: Good to see you!

[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James’ shoulder ]

[ SUPER: “The End” ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 4 / 5. Vote count: 1

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x