SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Bikini Beach Party


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 20

13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Bikini Beach Party

Darren…..Taran Killam
Gadget…..Charlize Theron
Gretchen…..Aidy Bryant
Girls…..Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer, Nasim Pedrad, Noel Wells, Sasheer Zaamta
Old-timer…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: We now return to Bikini Beach Party, starring Simon Nebo and Lyn Lynette.

[ dissolve to Darren and Gadget surfing ]

Darren: Hey, Gadget. Why so sad? Haven’t caught any big ones?

Gadget: It’s not that. It’s just I’m going back to Chicago tomorrow and I haven’t kissed anyone.

Darren: Well, it’s funny you should say that. I wanted to talk to you tonight.

Gadget: Really? Tonight? Just you and me?

Darren: Of course, silly. Uh, meet me after the bonfire by the dead whale.

Gadget: What?

Darren: You know, the big dead whale that’s been on the beach for weeks, filling up with gases.

Gadget: Maybe we should meet somewhere else.

Darren: Don’t be silly, stupid. Oohh!!! Wipe out!

[ Darren crashes into the water ]

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

[ dissolve to girls dancing on the beach ]

Girl #1: Alright! I love surf music.

Girl #2: Yeah! It’s just kind of nothing.

Gadget: [ appearing ] Hey, girls!

Girl #3: Oh! Hi, Gadgets!

Girl #4: So Gadget, do you have a date for the big bonfire tonight?

Gadget: Oh, I’m not going to the bonfire. Darren asked me to meet him by the big dead whale.

Girl #5: The dead whale? The one that’s been on the beach for weeks, expanding with gas?

Gadget: Yeah! It’s so romantic.

Girl #2: Darren’s so dreamy. He’s the only 22-year old that will even talk to us 13-year olds.

Gretchen: Hey, guys. Um, is it okay if we like, stop dancing while we talk? Cause it’s so hard to do both you know?

Girl #2: Shut up, Gretchen.

Girl #1: Wait, how did the dead whale get full of gas anyway?

Gretchen: Well, when whales decompose, their bodies fill up with highly combustible methane gas. Science is actually pretty cool.

Gadget: No, it’s not, Gretchen. You’ve ruined your own summer, don’t ruin ours.

Gretchen: Okay. Well, I had scarlet fever.

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

[ cut to Darren waiting on the beach, as Gadget appears ]

Darren: Oh! Hey, Gadget. I didn’t think you’d come.

Gadget: It’s so stinky over here, Darren.

Darren: Oh, that’s because of the dead whale. It’s fill with gas.

Gadget: I heard. Methane gas.

Darren: Wow, you’re smart and cute, and thirteen.

Gadget: Oh, Darren.

Darren: I… I brought my ukelele. You mind if I sing you a song before we kiss?

Gadget: Okay, but a short one. It smells very bad here.

Darren: [singing]“There’s no thing like loving a girl like you
When you’re around, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
Don’t even try to hide…”

(The whale explodes, laughter and applause)

Gadget: Oh my god!

Darren: I’m blind with whale guts!

[ Old-timer runs forward with a wheelbarrow ]

Old-timer: [laughs] Hey, hey. Oh, I’ve been waitin’ all day for this poppy to pop. I’m gonna eat for months!

Gadget: Darren, let’s get out of here.

Darren: Hey that’s a good idea, Gadget. Why don’t we take cover over by that other dead whale?

[ they take a few steps across the beach ]

Darren: [singing]“There’s no such thing as loving a girl like you
When I see your face, I think she can be real.”

[explosion, splatting sound]

Gadget: Darren?! Darren! Oh! Guess I’ll never get that kiss!

Old-timer: Well, that’s just the way it goes at…

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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