Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 20
13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay
Bikini Beach Party
Darren…..Taran Killam
Gadget…..Charlize Theron
Gretchen…..Aidy Bryant
Girls…..Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer, Nasim Pedrad, Noel Wells, Sasheer Zaamta
Old-timer…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: We now return to Bikini Beach Party, starring Simon Nebo and Lyn Lynette.
[ dissolve to Darren and Gadget surfing ]
Darren: Hey, Gadget. Why so sad? Haven’t caught any big ones?
Gadget: It’s not that. It’s just I’m going back to Chicago tomorrow and I haven’t kissed anyone.
Darren: Well, it’s funny you should say that. I wanted to talk to you tonight.
Gadget: Really? Tonight? Just you and me?
Darren: Of course, silly. Uh, meet me after the bonfire by the dead whale.
Gadget: What?
Darren: You know, the big dead whale that’s been on the beach for weeks, filling up with gases.
Gadget: Maybe we should meet somewhere else.
Darren: Don’t be silly, stupid. Oohh!!! Wipe out!
[ Darren crashes into the water ]
Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”
[ dissolve to girls dancing on the beach ]
Girl #1: Alright! I love surf music.
Girl #2: Yeah! It’s just kind of nothing.
Gadget: [ appearing ] Hey, girls!
Girl #3: Oh! Hi, Gadgets!
Girl #4: So Gadget, do you have a date for the big bonfire tonight?
Gadget: Oh, I’m not going to the bonfire. Darren asked me to meet him by the big dead whale.
Girl #5: The dead whale? The one that’s been on the beach for weeks, expanding with gas?
Gadget: Yeah! It’s so romantic.
Girl #2: Darren’s so dreamy. He’s the only 22-year old that will even talk to us 13-year olds.
Gretchen: Hey, guys. Um, is it okay if we like, stop dancing while we talk? Cause it’s so hard to do both you know?
Girl #2: Shut up, Gretchen.
Girl #1: Wait, how did the dead whale get full of gas anyway?
Gretchen: Well, when whales decompose, their bodies fill up with highly combustible methane gas. Science is actually pretty cool.
Gadget: No, it’s not, Gretchen. You’ve ruined your own summer, don’t ruin ours.
Gretchen: Okay. Well, I had scarlet fever.
Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”
[ cut to Darren waiting on the beach, as Gadget appears ]
Darren: Oh! Hey, Gadget. I didn’t think you’d come.
Gadget: It’s so stinky over here, Darren.
Darren: Oh, that’s because of the dead whale. It’s fill with gas.
Gadget: I heard. Methane gas.
Darren: Wow, you’re smart and cute, and thirteen.
Gadget: Oh, Darren.
Darren: I… I brought my ukelele. You mind if I sing you a song before we kiss?
Gadget: Okay, but a short one. It smells very bad here.
Darren: [singing]
“There’s no thing like loving a girl like you
When you’re around, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
Don’t even try to hide…”
(The whale explodes, laughter and applause)
Gadget: Oh my god!
Darren: I’m blind with whale guts!
[ Old-timer runs forward with a wheelbarrow ]
Old-timer: [laughs] Hey, hey. Oh, I’ve been waitin’ all day for this poppy to pop. I’m gonna eat for months!
Gadget: Darren, let’s get out of here.
Darren: Hey that’s a good idea, Gadget. Why don’t we take cover over by that other dead whale?
[ they take a few steps across the beach ]
Darren: [singing]
“There’s no such thing as loving a girl like you
When I see your face, I think she can be real.”
[explosion, splatting sound]
Gadget: Darren?! Darren! Oh! Guess I’ll never get that kiss!
Old-timer: Well, that’s just the way it goes at…
Soundtrack:
“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Yeah!”
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
