SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Bikini Beach Party

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 20

13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Bikini Beach Party

Darren…..Taran Killam
Gadget…..Charlize Theron
Gretchen…..Aidy Bryant
Girls…..Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon, Vanessa Bayer, Nasim Pedrad, Noel Wells, Sasheer Zaamta
Old-timer…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: We now return to Bikini Beach Party, starring Simon Nebo and Lyn Lynette.

[ dissolve to Darren and Gadget surfing ]

Darren: Hey, Gadget. Why so sad? Haven’t caught any big ones?

Gadget: It’s not that. It’s just I’m going back to Chicago tomorrow and I haven’t kissed anyone.

Darren: Well, it’s funny you should say that. I wanted to talk to you tonight.

Gadget: Really? Tonight? Just you and me?

Darren: Of course, silly. Uh, meet me after the bonfire by the dead whale.

Gadget: What?

Darren: You know, the big dead whale that’s been on the beach for weeks, filling up with gases.

Gadget: Maybe we should meet somewhere else.

Darren: Don’t be silly, stupid. Oohh!!! Wipe out!

[ Darren crashes into the water ]

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

[ dissolve to girls dancing on the beach ]

Girl #1: Alright! I love surf music.

Girl #2: Yeah! It’s just kind of nothing.

Gadget: [ appearing ] Hey, girls!

Girl #3: Oh! Hi, Gadgets!

Girl #4: So Gadget, do you have a date for the big bonfire tonight?

Gadget: Oh, I’m not going to the bonfire. Darren asked me to meet him by the big dead whale.

Girl #5: The dead whale? The one that’s been on the beach for weeks, expanding with gas?

Gadget: Yeah! It’s so romantic.

Girl #2: Darren’s so dreamy. He’s the only 22-year old that will even talk to us 13-year olds.

Gretchen: Hey, guys. Um, is it okay if we like, stop dancing while we talk? Cause it’s so hard to do both you know?

Girl #2: Shut up, Gretchen.

Girl #1: Wait, how did the dead whale get full of gas anyway?

Gretchen: Well, when whales decompose, their bodies fill up with highly combustible methane gas. Science is actually pretty cool.

Gadget: No, it’s not, Gretchen. You’ve ruined your own summer, don’t ruin ours.

Gretchen: Okay. Well, I had scarlet fever.

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

[ cut to Darren waiting on the beach, as Gadget appears ]

Darren: Oh! Hey, Gadget. I didn’t think you’d come.

Gadget: It’s so stinky over here, Darren.

Darren: Oh, that’s because of the dead whale. It’s fill with gas.

Gadget: I heard. Methane gas.

Darren: Wow, you’re smart and cute, and thirteen.

Gadget: Oh, Darren.

Darren: I… I brought my ukelele. You mind if I sing you a song before we kiss?

Gadget: Okay, but a short one. It smells very bad here.

Darren: [singing]“There’s no thing like loving a girl like you
When you’re around, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
Don’t even try to hide…”

(The whale explodes, laughter and applause)

Gadget: Oh my god!

Darren: I’m blind with whale guts!

[ Old-timer runs forward with a wheelbarrow ]

Old-timer: [laughs] Hey, hey. Oh, I’ve been waitin’ all day for this poppy to pop. I’m gonna eat for months!

Gadget: Darren, let’s get out of here.

Darren: Hey that’s a good idea, Gadget. Why don’t we take cover over by that other dead whale?

[ they take a few steps across the beach ]

Darren: [singing]“There’s no such thing as loving a girl like you
When I see your face, I think she can be real.”

[explosion, splatting sound]

Gadget: Darren?! Darren! Oh! Guess I’ll never get that kiss!

Old-timer: Well, that’s just the way it goes at…

“Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!
Bikini Beach Party!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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