SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Dragon Babies

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 20

13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Dragon Babies

Stewart McGary, Director…..Taram Killam
Rick Shoulders…..Mike O’Brien
Girl Dragon Actress…..Noël Wells
…..Charlize Theron
Actress…..Nasim Pedrad
Pam Shoulders…..Cecily Strong

[ open on cartoon footage ]

Stewart McGary: “Dragon Babies” is the story of Bibbo. A young dragon who can’t breathe fire until he gets a magical powder at the top of a mountain. The only problem is, Bibbo is afraid of heights.

[ cut to cartoon ]

Girl Dragon: Last one to the top is a rotten egg. Come on Bibbo, what’s wrong?

Bibbo: Nah, that’s a big no-go for me! I’d do it but, I’d, uh… I’d need more magic! [ he clears the phlegm from his throat ] [ reveal Rick Shoulders coughing in the studio ]

Stewart McGary: Bibbo is voiced by retired Chicago Police Officer Rick Shoulders. So…

Rick Shoulders: It’s always been my dream to do voiceover work. So, after I retired in ’09, I headed to Tinsel Town to try my luck.

[ cut to cartoon ]

Boy Dragon: We need a fire to stay warm.

Girl Dragon: Bibbo, can you try to breathe fire?

Bibbo: Oh, shut up! I can’t do it.

[ cut to Rick and actress in the studio ]

Girl Dragon Actress: You just have to believe…

Rick Shoulders: God, I know, I gotta believe in myself, but I don’t yet, ya know, there’s the rub! [ he clears his throat ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Girl Dragon Actress: Well, Rick cut me off a lot. And cleared his throat in almost every take.

Stewart McGary: It’s gonna be a little hard to animate around coughing, so just take a moment now to get that out of your system.

Rick Shoulders: [ ferociously clearing his throat ] That’s not going anywhere, that’s not gonna go anywhere!

[ cut to testimonial ]

Stewart McGary: We were thrilled to have Charlize Theron involved. She’s playing Mayshowers, the candy witch.

Charlize Theron: Working with Rick Shoulders was a dream. So many actors are fake, but he’s real. Who knows, maybe in a parallel universe a guy like Rick goes for a girl like me.

Stewart McGary: As the dragon babies begin their journey, they get a little help from Princess Glendour the wood nymph who’s voiced by Rick’s wife, Pam Shoulders.

Actress: See Bibbo, you don’t have to be scared.

Rick Shoulders: Rick Shoulders: Scared? Oh, is my guy like the pussy in this thing?

Pam Shoulders: [ laughing ] Yeah, you’re the pussy!

Rick Shoulders: Oh, all right. I’ll be the pussy. Oh, dow-ti-do! You shut the hell up, come here!

[ they kiss ]

Stewart McGary: At one point Bibbo is trapped on a lilypad.

[ cut to cartoon ]

Bibbo: I’m trapped in Cramp Feather Bog.

Princess Glendour: And that lily pad’s takin’ on water, Bibbo.

Dragon: We’ll save you Bibbo.

Bibbo: Yeah, hop to it. Oh great, this sandwich has got cheese on it.

[ cut to Rick Shoulders holding sandwich in studio ]

Rick Shoulders: Pam I got yours.

Pam Shoulders: No. No, I got the right one, ’cause mine’s got eggs, see?

Rick Shoulders: Oh, they both got cheese on ’em. Those freakin’ idiots!

[ cut to testimonial ]

Stewart McGary: Yes. Sure. People have questioned my casting choice but Rick’s a great guy. Ah, I mean, I don’t mind saying he’s my AA sponsor. He saved my life.I owe a lot to him. But after this, I think we’re square.

Rick Shoulders: Director’s a good kid. Cast me right after I got cut from another gig. In fact, I will say two worst days in my life. One, getting cut the first day of recording on “Madagascar”. And number two is the day I shot Justin Mitchell. Unarmed guy, goin’ for his wallet. Couldn’t tell what he had. Couldn’t tell what he had. Shot him 10 times.

[ cut to cartoon ]

Stewart McGary: The climactic ending is where the dragon babies are facing off against Torlax.

Girl Dragon: He’s got Princess Glendour.

Princess Glendour: Listen to me close, Bibbo, shoot that scuzbucket right between the eyes.

Bibbo: Now, Pam, duck!

[ Bibbo blasts fire from his mouth ] [ in the studio, Rick Shoulders fires his gun repeatedly ]

Stewart McGary: He actually shot real bullets into the recording studio floor and hit a guy one floor down.

Rick Shoulders: [ he sighs ] Another bad day for Rick. Shot another guy. Damn it. But ah, go see “Dragon Babies” in the theater. It’s a story of a pussy that shoots a sczzbucket. Ah, it’s a good time. This has been “HBO: First Looks”. Psssh! Oh, not that.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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