Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 20
13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay
Girlfriends Talk Show
Miss Christine…..Charlize Theron
Kyra: Oh my gosh! Hi, I’m Kyra. And I’m never gonna stop doing me.
Morgan: And I’m Morgan and I’m gonna do as much me as I can.
Kyra: We’re BFFs, best fabulous friends.
Morgan: And we’re more than friends.
Kyra: No, we’re not. Morgan, what do you mean? More than friends means more like a couple.
Morgan: A couple of great friends.
Kyra: No, like a sex couple.
Morgan: Oh my God! Oh my God, I told everyone at camp that we’re more than friends.
Kyra: Well, stop now and clear that up, okay? Cause my boyfriend watches all of this. Awesome! Today on the show is our new Geometry teacher’s cool, Miss Christine.
Morgan: Yeah, she wears jeans and she’s a teacher. Only in America.
Kyra: She’s definitely a free spirit. I saw her dancing for a man at Ruby’s Tuesdays. Please welcome, Miss Christine.
Miss Christine: Hello actors. Yes, I hope we are all breathing deeply from our anuses.
Morgan: Miss Christine, I’m scared we’re gonna have to bleep anus.
Kyra: That’s not a bad word, it’s medical.
Morgan: Yeah, but it’s near the underneath and it’s the worse parts of the privates.
Kyra: Morgan, you’re acting out of fear.
Miss Christine: The bravest thing we do as actors is lose fear and just live. Stand in front of people naked and just say, “This is my vessel. Deal with me, I’m a lot.”
Kyra: Awesome! Miss Christine just got fired recently from out school.
Miss Christine: I quit because they wouldn’t let me do the Vagina Monologues. They said it was too adult. I said, “I’ve adapted a teen version called The Gynelogues.
Morgan: Okay, let’s cool it on the Gyne talk. Honestly, I’m starting to sweat.
Kyra: Awesome! First topic, Party whistles!
Kyra: We changed it on Google Docs.
Morgan: What? I can’t use Google. I’m not allowed online without supervision after my parents caught me googling Ron Weasley topless.
Miss Christine: During my two days as your teacher, we were working on the scene I wrote for you. I crave to see how the work is coming.
Miss Christine: Breathe from the coccyx and begin.
Kyra: Momma, I’m 16. I’m gonna go to New York and be somebody. I have dreams.
Morgan: Oh, you and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.
Miss Christine: Okay, Morgan, Morgan, try it like this. You and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.
Morgan: Okay. That’s enough, I think we get the gist.
Kyra: Morgan, what’s so funny? I feel like your sexual frustration is holding you back.
Morgan: I think you are!
Kyra: Awesome! Those are great notes, Miss Christine. Next topic.
Morgan: Rainbow looms!
Miss Christine: Men.
Kyra: A new cigarette, awesome!
Morgan: Wait, men? What do you mean men?
Kyra: That’s the topic. Men.
Miss Christine: I’ve been told by every man that I’ve dated that I am too much to handle. I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I’m a firecracker that was thought of as a dud and they go back to check it and it explodes in their faces. In short, I’m a bitch on feet.
Morgan: Good grief!
Kyra: Awesome! My boyfriend’s older. He bought me a really nice GoPro camera and he had me strap it to my head and run through the worst parts of town while drinking Wanton soup and in a styrofoam to go cup. Then he downloaded the footage and he sent it to firstname.lastname@example.org. And that’s not his name, so I don’t know who that is. My boyfriend’s crazy.
Morgan: Well, someday, I’m gonna have a boyfriend and he will be as well behaved, noble, and physically strong as my male guinea pig John Phillipe.
Kyra: I thought John Phillipe ate all your grandma’s heart medicine?
Morgan: Yeah, we tried to make him throw it up but he was too proud. He died on his own terms.
Miss Christine: You can use that pain in your work, and also in your lovemaking.
Morgan: Oh my God! Can I just ask you for no more feedback please? You’re not our teacher anymore. You’re just a lady in jeans.
Miss Christine: That’s the passion I’ve been wanting from you!
Morgan: Well, I have passion? Oh my God! Oh my God! Well, that’s our sexy show!
Kyra: Okay, Morgan, that’s enough. See you later, bye! Bye!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez