SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Girlfriends Talk Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 20








13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Girlfriends Talk Show

Kyra…..Cecily Strong
Morgan…..Aidy Bryant
Miss Christine…..Charlize Theron

Kyra: Oh my gosh! Hi, I’m Kyra. And I’m never gonna stop doing me.

Morgan: And I’m Morgan and I’m gonna do as much me as I can.

Kyra: We’re BFFs, best fabulous friends.

Morgan: And we’re more than friends.

Kyra: No, we’re not. Morgan, what do you mean? More than friends means more like a couple.

Morgan: A couple of great friends.

Kyra: No, like a sex couple.

Morgan: Oh my God! Oh my God, I told everyone at camp that we’re more than friends.

Kyra: Well, stop now and clear that up, okay? Cause my boyfriend watches all of this. Awesome! Today on the show is our new Geometry teacher’s cool, Miss Christine.

Morgan: Yeah, she wears jeans and she’s a teacher. Only in America.

Kyra: She’s definitely a free spirit. I saw her dancing for a man at Ruby’s Tuesdays. Please welcome, Miss Christine.

Miss Christine: Hello actors. Yes, I hope we are all breathing deeply from our anuses.

Morgan: Miss Christine, I’m scared we’re gonna have to bleep anus.

Kyra: That’s not a bad word, it’s medical.

Morgan: Yeah, but it’s near the underneath and it’s the worse parts of the privates.

Kyra: Morgan, you’re acting out of fear.

Miss Christine: The bravest thing we do as actors is lose fear and just live. Stand in front of people naked and just say, “This is my vessel. Deal with me, I’m a lot.”

Kyra: Awesome! Miss Christine just got fired recently from out school.

Miss Christine: I quit because they wouldn’t let me do the Vagina Monologues. They said it was too adult. I said, “I’ve adapted a teen version called The Gynelogues.

Morgan: Okay, let’s cool it on the Gyne talk. Honestly, I’m starting to sweat.

Kyra: Awesome! First topic, Party whistles!

Kyra: We changed it on Google Docs.

Morgan: What? I can’t use Google. I’m not allowed online without supervision after my parents caught me googling Ron Weasley topless.

Miss Christine: During my two days as your teacher, we were working on the scene I wrote for you. I crave to see how the work is coming.

Kyra: Awesome!

Miss Christine: Breathe from the coccyx and begin.

Kyra: Momma, I’m 16. I’m gonna go to New York and be somebody. I have dreams.

Morgan: Oh, you and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.

Miss Christine: Okay, Morgan, Morgan, try it like this. You and me both child. I have dreams of your daddy’s hot booze breath and rough hands.

Morgan: Okay. That’s enough, I think we get the gist.

Kyra: Morgan, what’s so funny? I feel like your sexual frustration is holding you back.

Kyra: Yeah.

Morgan: I think you are!

Kyra: Awesome! Those are great notes, Miss Christine. Next topic.

Morgan: Rainbow looms!

Miss Christine: Men.

Kyra: A new cigarette, awesome!

Morgan: Wait, men? What do you mean men?

Kyra: That’s the topic. Men.

Miss Christine: I’ve been told by every man that I’ve dated that I am too much to handle. I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I’m a firecracker that was thought of as a dud and they go back to check it and it explodes in their faces. In short, I’m a bitch on feet.

Morgan: Good grief!

Kyra: Awesome! My boyfriend’s older. He bought me a really nice GoPro camera and he had me strap it to my head and run through the worst parts of town while drinking Wanton soup and in a styrofoam to go cup. Then he downloaded the footage and he sent it to doctor.donald.custer@aol.com. And that’s not his name, so I don’t know who that is. My boyfriend’s crazy.

Morgan: Well, someday, I’m gonna have a boyfriend and he will be as well behaved, noble, and physically strong as my male guinea pig John Phillipe.

Kyra: I thought John Phillipe ate all your grandma’s heart medicine?

Morgan: Yeah, we tried to make him throw it up but he was too proud. He died on his own terms.

Miss Christine: You can use that pain in your work, and also in your lovemaking.

Morgan: Oh my God! Can I just ask you for no more feedback please? You’re not our teacher anymore. You’re just a lady in jeans.

Miss Christine: That’s the passion I’ve been wanting from you!

Morgan: Well, I have passion? Oh my God! Oh my God! Well, that’s our sexy show!

Kyra: Okay, Morgan, that’s enough. See you later, bye! Bye!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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