SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Dating Seminar



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 20










13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Dating Seminar

Speaker…..Vanessa Bayer
Heshi Farrahat…..Nasim Pedrad
Gail…..Charlize Theron
Fashid…..Mike O’Brien

Speaker: The Courtyard Marriott Agora Hills, welcomes you to this 3-day orkshop intensive, The Man Plan: A Single Woman’s Guide To Finding Love. And now it’s my pleasure to bring out the woman you all came to see. She’s a motivational speaker, life coach, and dating expert who’s appeared on over one podcast. Please welcome Heshi Farrahat.

(dance music)

Heshi: Hello single women! I am Heshi.

(boom!)

Heshi: So why am I, Heshi, qualified to help you find love? Because I have a love life, that is cash money.(ka-ching!)

Heshi: But it wasn’t always like that. After eight months of zero people responding to my profile, e-Harmony eventually sent me an email that just said, “Are you okay?” But I turned things around and now I stand before you, a 44-year-old woman who has, recently as last night, sat next to a man at a bar and we made eye contact once!

(boom-chucka, gunshot)

Heshi: Joining me today is a woman who, using my techniques, has had real, grown men in her home. Give it up for my best friend, Gail!

Gail: Hey there! I’m Gail.

(“Gail! Gail!” gunshot!)

Heshi: Gail and I met years ago when she was the instructor of my accent removal class, which I’m retaking.

Gail: Before Heshi’s system, I was a goofy, asexual mess. But now, I’ve been to over-the-sweater second base with a man who works in an office. Thanks, Heshi!

(“Heshi, Heshi, Heshi!”)

(“Gail, Gail!”)

(“Heshi!”)

(“Gail!”)

(“Heshi!”)

(“Gail! Gail!”)

(“Heshi, Heshi!”)

(machine gunfire)

(“Gail!”)

Heshi: Quick shout-out to the man behind our cues and beats, rocking an exciting new Kangol hat and crushing puberty, my son Fashid.

Fashid: Mother, please, I’m embarrassed.

Heshi: Okay, ladies, here comes some bullet points.

(gunshots)

Heshi: Step one of Heshi’s Man Plan: Be aggressive. If a door slams in your face, kick it back open.

(ding-dong!)

(glass shattering)

Gail: 15 minutes into a recent coffee date, a man said to me, “You’re cute! But I think I hate your personality.” But I didn’t give up. I continued to text him selfies of me and my car, and now that ball’s in play.

(basketball bouncing)

(“Gail!”)

Heshi: Step two: Be open minded. I was accidentally matched on Tinder with a quiet Chinese man who was gay and did not live near me. But instead of backing down, I insisted we meet for alcohol and chicken. How did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce I offered him my body, and he said, “We’ll see.”

(“Quiet Chinese man!”)

Gail: Step three: Be confident!

Heshi: That’s right, Gail! I once showered with a man who described my body as “A complex network of flaws.” I said, “Hey, this is me, buddy!” So he said, “Okay”, and showered with his eyes closed.

(whips — “Oh, yeah!”)

Heshi: Which brings us to flirting. The key to good flirting is basic slight-of-hand magic. I know this much: No man can resist a woman who goes to a bar, and does this: (she pulls colored handkerchiefs from her mouth)

(“This is flirty. This-s is flirty.”)

Gail: So ladies, of the old you with a kitten…

(meow!)

Heshi: The new you is a beast!

(owl hooting)

Gail: So envision that old single you in front of you and kick her ass off!

(gunshots!)

(“Haduken! Impressive.”)

Heshi: Okay, time to stretch, snack and go tinkle. But first, check this out!

(dance music)

Speaker: Hi there! Um, they’re towing everyone’s cars.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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