Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 20
13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay
Dating Seminar
Speaker…..Vanessa Bayer
Heshi Farrahat…..Nasim Pedrad
Gail…..Charlize Theron
Fashid…..Mike O’Brien
Speaker: The Courtyard Marriott Agora Hills, welcomes you to this 3-day orkshop intensive, The Man Plan: A Single Woman’s Guide To Finding Love. And now it’s my pleasure to bring out the woman you all came to see. She’s a motivational speaker, life coach, and dating expert who’s appeared on over one podcast. Please welcome Heshi Farrahat.
(dance music)
Heshi: Hello single women! I am Heshi.
(boom!)
Heshi: So why am I, Heshi, qualified to help you find love? Because I have a love life, that is cash money.(ka-ching!)
Heshi: But it wasn’t always like that. After eight months of zero people responding to my profile, e-Harmony eventually sent me an email that just said, “Are you okay?” But I turned things around and now I stand before you, a 44-year-old woman who has, recently as last night, sat next to a man at a bar and we made eye contact once!
(boom-chucka, gunshot)
Heshi: Joining me today is a woman who, using my techniques, has had real, grown men in her home. Give it up for my best friend, Gail!
Gail: Hey there! I’m Gail.
(“Gail! Gail!” gunshot!)
Heshi: Gail and I met years ago when she was the instructor of my accent removal class, which I’m retaking.
Gail: Before Heshi’s system, I was a goofy, asexual mess. But now, I’ve been to over-the-sweater second base with a man who works in an office. Thanks, Heshi!
(“Heshi, Heshi, Heshi!”)
(“Gail, Gail!”)
(“Heshi!”)
(“Gail!”)
(“Heshi!”)
(“Gail! Gail!”)
(“Heshi, Heshi!”)
(machine gunfire)
(“Gail!”)
Heshi: Quick shout-out to the man behind our cues and beats, rocking an exciting new Kangol hat and crushing puberty, my son Fashid.
Fashid: Mother, please, I’m embarrassed.
Heshi: Okay, ladies, here comes some bullet points.
(gunshots)
Heshi: Step one of Heshi’s Man Plan: Be aggressive. If a door slams in your face, kick it back open.
(ding-dong!)
(glass shattering)
Gail: 15 minutes into a recent coffee date, a man said to me, “You’re cute! But I think I hate your personality.” But I didn’t give up. I continued to text him selfies of me and my car, and now that ball’s in play.
(basketball bouncing)
(“Gail!”)
Heshi: Step two: Be open minded. I was accidentally matched on Tinder with a quiet Chinese man who was gay and did not live near me. But instead of backing down, I insisted we meet for alcohol and chicken. How did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce I offered him my body, and he said, “We’ll see.”
(“Quiet Chinese man!”)
Gail: Step three: Be confident!
Heshi: That’s right, Gail! I once showered with a man who described my body as “A complex network of flaws.” I said, “Hey, this is me, buddy!” So he said, “Okay”, and showered with his eyes closed.
(whips — “Oh, yeah!”)
Heshi: Which brings us to flirting. The key to good flirting is basic slight-of-hand magic. I know this much: No man can resist a woman who goes to a bar, and does this: (she pulls colored handkerchiefs from her mouth)
(“This is flirty. This-s is flirty.”)
Gail: So ladies, of the old you with a kitten…
(meow!)
Heshi: The new you is a beast!
(owl hooting)
Gail: So envision that old single you in front of you and kick her ass off!
(gunshots!)
(“Haduken! Impressive.”)
Heshi: Okay, time to stretch, snack and go tinkle. But first, check this out!
(dance music)
Speaker: Hi there! Um, they’re towing everyone’s cars.
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
