SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 05/10/14: Charlize Theron’s Monologue



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  Season 39: Episode 20




13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Charlize Theron’s Monologue

…..Charlize Theron
…..Taran Killam
…..Cecily Strong
…..Kate McKinnon
…..Sasheer Zamata
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Beck Bennett

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charlize Theron!

Charlize Theron: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Wow, thank you so very much! It’s so great to be back here hosting “SNL”! The last time I hosted was in 2000… and I had so much fun, I waited fourteen years to come back. But seriously, being on the show actually taught me a lot about myself. You know, when I hosted the last time, they asked me, “Is there anything special you wanna do?” And I said, “You know what? I wanna sing. Because I love to sing”. So they wrote this sketch called Gemini’s Twin with Maya and Ana where I sang a lot and it was so much fun. But then I started noticing during rehearsals that the part where I sang kept getting smaller and smaller, and no one was ever like, “You know what, you can’t really sing” or anything like that. But by the time the sketch aired, this is how much I sang:

[ cut to Gemini’s Twin sketch ]

Gemini’s Twin: Yes, and we’re just keeping it real, Carson. [ vocalizing ] “Keeping it real.”

Charlize Theron: [ spoken ] “Real.”

[ return to Home Base ]

Charlize Theron: Yeah. None. Turns out I’m not a good singer. It was kind of a weird and humbling experience. But now, here I am 14 years later and I know I’m not perfect, and I know I can’t sing. So… I thought we could sing a song about that!

Taran Killam: “She’s beautiful.”

Charlize Theron: Stop!

Cecily Strong: “She’s charitable.”

Charlize Theron: Come on!

Kate McKinnon: “She’s won an Oscar, too.”

Charlize Theron: Okay, that is true.

[ Sasheer Zamata, Kenan Thompson and Beck Bennett join the chorus ]

Cast: [ singing ]“It seems she can do everything
But there’s one thing she can’t do!”

Charlize Theron: [ clears and throat and screeches ]”I can’t si-i-i-i-i-ing!”

Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!
She cannot sing!”

Charlize Theron: “When I do, it comes out more just like a scream!”

Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

Cast: [ singing ]“But it’s okay because she’s great at every other thing!
She’s a great romantic actor!”

Charlize Theron: [ husky ] “Hey baby.”

Cast: [ singing ]“And a great dramatic actor!”

Charlize Theron: “My baby!!!”

Cast: [ singing ]“She’s learning any role where she doesn’t doesn’t play a factor!”

Charlize Theron: Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to… [ Kate stops her ] Okay.

Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

Cast: [ singing ]And although she cannot sing
“Just look at all this other things.
She can do a thousand accents!”

Charlize Theron: “Sho’ can, Guv’nor!”

Cast: [ singing ]“She can sing another language!”

[ Theron rattles something in a foreign language ]

Cast: [ singing ]“And before she was an actress
She was trained to do ballet.”

[ Theron performs a minuet ]

Cecily Strong: Like, you’re so beautiful, I could watch you forever. but everybody, just remember one thing:

Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing
But we can sing
We can’t dance like that
But can at least we sing!”

Charlize Theron: “I cannot sing!”

Cast: [ singing ]“She cannot sing!”

Charlize Theron: “But I’m taller than most men and they don’t care it I can’t sing!”

Beck Bennett: [ standing eye-level with her breasts ] No, I don’t care!

Charlize Theron: Yeah? Okay.

Cast: [ singing ]“She’s a nearly perfect human
Member of the union.”

Kenan Thompson: But she almost just perfected the equation for confusion!

Charlize Theron: I was so close, and I just feel like such a failure, and I just…

Cast: Oh, nooooo…

Charlize Theron: I don’t…

Kate McKinnon: What are we doing? She’s fine!

Cast: [ singing ]“She’s a producer and a record fashion model
Ballet dancer, works for Fila
And for women and in other countries
Almost won an Oscar, starred in Monster.”

Charlize Theron: I’ve also never had bad sex! Sorry… sorry… sorry…

Cast: [ singing ]“So! That’s! Why! She! Can’t! Siiiiiiiiiing!”

Charlize Theron: Thank you, everyone! We have a great show for you tonight! The Black Keys are here, so stick around, we’ll be right back!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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