Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 20
A Mother’s Day Message from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton
Michelle Obama…..Sasheer Zamata
Hillary Clinton…..Vanessa Bayer
Announcer: And now, a Mother’s Day message from Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton.
Michelle Obama: Hello, America. As two of our country’s first moms, Hillary and I wanna wish a happy Mother’s Day to all the moms around this wonderful nation.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, both of us have been called so many things. Uh, but you know, it’s nice to have one day where the first thing that we’re called is mom.
Michelle Obama: And for Hillary and I to be here together, just the two of us… as mothers.
Hillary Clinton: Uh, and soon grandma. But you know, a young, impact full grandma.
Michelle Obama: Tomorrow morning, Barack and the kids will bring me breakfast in bed, then we’ll all go for a family run.
Hillary Clinton: And I’m gonna put my Blackberry on airplane mode and watch “The Good Wife” in my zip-up robe.
Michelle Obama: My family has already started with the presents. Look, I’m mother of the year.
Hillary Clinton: And I have not yet decided if I will run for Mother of the Year.
Michelle Obama: And I’ve even made a present for myself, these healthy, low-fat Mother’s Day cookies.
Hillary Clinton: Delicious.
Michelle Obama: Which are made out of flax seeds and dates. But I care less about the gifts that I receive. What Barack and I are really proud of is giving the gift of healthcare to 8 million Americans.
Hillary Clinton: Ya know, which is funny because I tried to give them that gift 16 years ago, huh! So, it’s more like a re-gift.
Michelle Obama: But we actually delivered it. Mothers today are doing more than ever before. They’re not only caretakers, they’re astronauts, they’re CEOs.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah. Some could even be presidents! I don’t know! Who know?
Michelle Obama: Of course! It didn’t happen in 2008 but maybe in 2016. The point is, Hillary and I know how hard it is to be working mothers.
Hillary Clinton: Absolutely. You know, I just know a little bit more. I mean, for years, I was flying all over the world dealing with some of the worst humanitarian crisis, you know, but I suppose it’s also tough to make a chubby kid eat an apple.
Michelle Obama: Well, obesity is killing our children.
Hillary Clinton: Absolutely. You know, not so much in Syria. There, it’s more biological weapons, you know? But kids, watch out for cake! I certainly understand their concerns but, hey, Ukraine! Cookie alert! Get down! Get down! There’s a high risk of fun!
Michelle Obama: You know, Ukraine has been in the news a lot lately. I’m sure you’d be on top of it if you didn’t quit your job.
Hillary Clinton: Okay. Well, I’m surprised you had time to read the news between guest starring on Nashville and doing push-ups on Ellen, but you know, I guess that’s what first ladies do now. I don’t know! Yeah, yeah!
Michelle Obama: Okay, all right. This is good, this is fun.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, this is fun. You know, I guess at the end of the day, we’re just two moms who, you know, like all moms are just trying our best, and you know, I really do like Nashville.
Michelle Obama: I watch it every week.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, we should watch it together. I literally have nothing to do right now…
Michelle Obama: Absolutely. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m helping Beyonce teaching hip-hop dance class to under privileged kids.
Hillary Clinton: And I’m meeting Barbara Baxter to go work out at Curbs.
Michelle Obama: So, happy Mother’s Day, and (together) Live from New York! It’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez