SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Blizzard Man

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Blizzard Man

Agent #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Technician…..Kenan Thompson
Agent #2…..Beck Bennett
…..2 Chainz
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[ open on studios ]

Agent #1: It’s such an honor to be in the studio with the one and only 2 Chainz.

2 Chainz: The honor’s all mine!

Agent #2: Chainz, the tracks are bangin’ but we still need a hook for that second single.

2 Chainz: I feel you — but not to worry, I got just the man for the job.

Agent #2: Who, Pitbull?

Agent #1: Cool-o.

2 Chainz: Nah, nah better. The Blizzard Man!

Technician: The Blizzard Man? I heard he dropped out the game, disappeared down the rabbit home of his own genius like a hip hop Bobby Fischer.

[ door buzzes ]

2 Chainz: That’s him, right there. [ Blizzard Man enters] My man! What up, player? You ready to do this thing?

Blizard Man: Yeah.

2 Chainz: Get in the booth, fool.

Technician: So, that’s the Blizzardman?

2 Chainz: I know what you’re thinkin’. But the man has the same exact swag as ASAP Rocky, and the street cred of Katherine Heigl.

Agent #2: Oh, so he’s a soldier?

2 Chainz: Exactly. Yo! Blizzard! You ready to do this thing man? Just let the music move through you, baby.

Blizard Man: Trill.

[ rapping ]“Yo I’m ’bout to set it.
It’s your boy, Blizznasty, on worst behavior
Check my style out
Rap song, rap song
I boogie on the floor and yell huzzah
The ladies look finer then a country ham so I make them put there moves on my butt.
Yo! The devil is a lie!”

2 Chainz: Put up the bat! Home run! It’s over! Give me my money, give me my money!

Technician: What?! That was terrible!

Agent #1: Yeah, not good.

Agent #2: Did not like that no.

2 Chainz: Man, y’all crazy!

Technician: Alright, Blizzard Man, take two.

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“Yo! The block is hot.
Two and A Half Men made better by the Kutch.
Check my style out.
I wear a shirt in bed ’cause I’ve got Eggo Waffle nips.
My main tattoo is a leaf of dope
and I’ll only fornicate with ratchet dames.
Yo! Rhythm is a dancer!”

Technician: No!

2 Chainz: I can’t believe he brought that swag back, swag, swag.

Agent #1: Yeah, 2 Chainz, I’m just not sure what you see in this guy.

2 Chainz: Are you kidding me? The guy look like a white Taye Diggs. Just check him out.

Agent #1: Okay, yeah, I’m not sure but I’m open to it. I’d like to hear him try again.

Technician: Suit yourself. Blizzard Man, take three!

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]Yo! ‘Bout to hit you with a trap 00 1990 schnurf!”

Technician: ’90 schnurf?

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“La Bamba is my favorite
The movie, not the song.
Mr. Esai Morales.
Check my style out.
I am a super freak. I’m known to Bob Sallies in the womens latrine.
I put it on ’em like a Stallion horse and my wang is bigger than a Country ham.
It’s my birthday and I’ve got one wish,
it’s for a prostitute with grande trunk.
I take her for a brunch at a brasserie
head back to the can and then pay the bowl.
Boop boop boobalie boop boop ba do boo ba da…”

Agent #1: Well, 2 Chainz, looks like Blizzardman did it.

Agent #2: Swag!

(Image: Newspaper: “Blizzard Man Doesn’t Do It”)

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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