SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Blizzard Man


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Blizzard Man

Agent #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Technician…..Kenan Thompson
Agent #2…..Beck Bennett
…..2 Chainz
Blizzard Man…..Andy Samberg

[ open on studios ]

Agent #1: It’s such an honor to be in the studio with the one and only 2 Chainz.

2 Chainz: The honor’s all mine!

Agent #2: Chainz, the tracks are bangin’ but we still need a hook for that second single.

2 Chainz: I feel you — but not to worry, I got just the man for the job.

Agent #2: Who, Pitbull?

Agent #1: Cool-o.

2 Chainz: Nah, nah better. The Blizzard Man!

Technician: The Blizzard Man? I heard he dropped out the game, disappeared down the rabbit home of his own genius like a hip hop Bobby Fischer.

[ door buzzes ]

2 Chainz: That’s him, right there. [ Blizzard Man enters] My man! What up, player? You ready to do this thing?

Blizard Man: Yeah.

2 Chainz: Get in the booth, fool.

Technician: So, that’s the Blizzardman?

2 Chainz: I know what you’re thinkin’. But the man has the same exact swag as ASAP Rocky, and the street cred of Katherine Heigl.

Agent #2: Oh, so he’s a soldier?

2 Chainz: Exactly. Yo! Blizzard! You ready to do this thing man? Just let the music move through you, baby.

Blizard Man: Trill.

[ rapping ]“Yo I’m ’bout to set it.
It’s your boy, Blizznasty, on worst behavior
Check my style out
Rap song, rap song
I boogie on the floor and yell huzzah
The ladies look finer then a country ham so I make them put there moves on my butt.
Yo! The devil is a lie!”

2 Chainz: Put up the bat! Home run! It’s over! Give me my money, give me my money!

Technician: What?! That was terrible!

Agent #1: Yeah, not good.

Agent #2: Did not like that no.

2 Chainz: Man, y’all crazy!

Technician: Alright, Blizzard Man, take two.

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“Yo! The block is hot.
Two and A Half Men made better by the Kutch.
Check my style out.
I wear a shirt in bed ’cause I’ve got Eggo Waffle nips.
My main tattoo is a leaf of dope
and I’ll only fornicate with ratchet dames.
Yo! Rhythm is a dancer!”

Technician: No!

2 Chainz: I can’t believe he brought that swag back, swag, swag.

Agent #1: Yeah, 2 Chainz, I’m just not sure what you see in this guy.

2 Chainz: Are you kidding me? The guy look like a white Taye Diggs. Just check him out.

Agent #1: Okay, yeah, I’m not sure but I’m open to it. I’d like to hear him try again.

Technician: Suit yourself. Blizzard Man, take three!

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]Yo! ‘Bout to hit you with a trap 00 1990 schnurf!”

Technician: ’90 schnurf?

Blizard Man: [ rapping ]“La Bamba is my favorite
The movie, not the song.
Mr. Esai Morales.
Check my style out.
I am a super freak. I’m known to Bob Sallies in the womens latrine.
I put it on ’em like a Stallion horse and my wang is bigger than a Country ham.
It’s my birthday and I’ve got one wish,
it’s for a prostitute with grande trunk.
I take her for a brunch at a brasserie
head back to the can and then pay the bowl.
Boop boop boobalie boop boop ba do boo ba da…”

Agent #1: Well, 2 Chainz, looks like Blizzardman did it.

Agent #2: Swag!

(Image: Newspaper: “Blizzard Man Doesn’t Do It”)

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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