SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Bvlgari


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent


Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Tweedle Dee…..Andy Samberg
Tweedle Dong…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Brookie and her friend ]

Brookie: Precision.

Friend: Timelessness.

Brookie: Grandiose.

Friend: Impeccable.

Together: The gorgeousest. Buvalgagi watches.

Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.

Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.

Together: With Buvalgagi.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.

Friend: Okay.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.

Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?

Brookie: Not yet, not yet.

Friend: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!

Friend: And good ribbons!

Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.

Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.

Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”

Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.

Brookie: Housefire.

Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.

Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.

Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.

Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?

Friend: Cowgirl.

Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.

Friend: Alright, a stop watch.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

Brookie: No, not yet.

Tweedle Dee: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Together: With Bvlgari watches.

Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.

Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.

Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.

Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

[ they wander off ]

Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

Friend: Hey, where’d they go?

Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.

[ they return ]

Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.

Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.

Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.

Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.

Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!

Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.

Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…

Together: BMG RoyWatches!

Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…

Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.

Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.

Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.

Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Anal Beads.

Tweedle Dee: With Buvalgagis!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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