SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Bvlgari

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent


Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Tweedle Dee…..Andy Samberg
Tweedle Dong…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Brookie and her friend ]

Brookie: Precision.

Friend: Timelessness.

Brookie: Grandiose.

Friend: Impeccable.

Together: The gorgeousest. Buvalgagi watches.

Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.

Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.

Together: With Buvalgagi.

Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.

Friend: Okay.

Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.

Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?

Brookie: Not yet, not yet.

Friend: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!

Friend: And good ribbons!

Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.

Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.

Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”

Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.

Brookie: Housefire.

Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.

Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.

Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.

Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?

Friend: Cowgirl.

Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.

Friend: Alright, a stop watch.

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

Brookie: No, not yet.

Tweedle Dee: Okay.

[ they exit ]

Together: With Bvlgari watches.

Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.

Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.

Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.

Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?

[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]

Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?

[ they wander off ]

Brookie: Yeah, yeah…

Friend: Hey, where’d they go?

Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.

[ they return ]

Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.

Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.

Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.

Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.

Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.

Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!

Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.

Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…

Together: BMG RoyWatches!

Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…

Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.

Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.

Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.

Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…

Brookie: Watches.

Friend: Anal Beads.

Tweedle Dee: With Buvalgagis!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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