Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Bvlgari
Brookie…..Vanessa Bayer
Friend…..Cecily Strong
Tweedle Dee…..Andy Samberg
Tweedle Dong…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on Brookie and her friend ]
Brookie: Precision.
Friend: Timelessness.
Brookie: Grandiose.
Friend: Impeccable.
Together: The gorgeousest. Buvalgagi watches.
Friend: All the cosmopolitans of a Cosmo time piece.
Brookie: You’ll be the one watching your dreams come true.
Together: With Buvalgagi.
Brookie: Hi, we’re not porn stars anymore I’m Brookie.
Friend: Okay.
Brookie: And we’re not porn stars any more, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love the elegnant of Italian-ass-man-ship.
Friend: Now that’s a spicy watch with Buvalgagi.
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say timeflies?
Brookie: Not yet, not yet.
Friend: Okay.
[ they exit ]
Brookie: Other watches are just rubber bands with arms. Adios muchachooch!
Friend: And good ribbons!
Brookie: Buvalgagi are like roll axes but they’re for fordable.
Friend: Avaibable in gold, silver or bronze.
Brookie: With a watch, you’ll never have to stop a stranger on the street to ask him, “Are you my dad?”
Friend: And Bvlgari are perfect for occasions like:
Brookie: Watches.
Friend: Puttin’ on the rats.
Brookie: Housefire.
Friend: Jumping out of a cake naked but you got trapped.
Brookie: And being a character witness for Donald Sterling.
Friend: I guarantee it! You’ll feel like you’re an Egyptian queen, like Cleomydia.
Brookie: And it’s waterproof up to 12 and a half inches, plus it comes complete with the, –what’s the thing that counts time but in reverse?
Friend: Cowgirl.
Brookie: Ah, no, a stop watch.
Friend: Alright, a stop watch.
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?
Brookie: No, not yet.
Tweedle Dee: Okay.
[ they exit ]
Together: With Bvlgari watches.
Friend: One time I got a watch for Christmas, Santa came down my chimney and saw those three other guys with Buvalgagis.
Brookie: One time I got banged in a garden at the height of allergy season. Good thing I take Claritin as birth control. Thanks, watches.
Friend: I got banged at a wedding and accidentally crashed into the cake. Then I won $3,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Thanks for watching America.
Brookie: Hey, remember roller skates?
[ Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dong enter ]
Tweedle Dee: Did someone say time flies?
[ they wander off ]
Brookie: Yeah, yeah…
Friend: Hey, where’d they go?
Brookie: Wait, you two go now. Go, go now.
[ they return ]
Tweedle Dee: ello, we’re former porn stars and formerly conjoined twins. I’m Tweedle-Dee.
Tweedle Dong: And I’m Tweedle-Dong.
Tweedle Dee: I’m the handsome one.
Tweedle Dong: And I’m the one that looks like the Lorax.
Tweedle Dee: We used to be conjoined at the chest and the penis.
Tweedle Dong: Then, during the filming of… Then, during the filming of “One Guy, Two Butts”, we were separated in the middle of a gang bang.
Tweedle Dee: I got the penis!
Tweedle Dong: I did not get the penis.
Tweedle Dee: But after that, we had to own TWO watches! That’s why we reach for…
Together: BMG RoyWatches!
Tweedle Dee: The watches that helps you remember the rainbow backwards. And they’re perfect whether you’re riding…
Tweedle Dong: Or you did not get the penis.
Brookie: No, no, no. Stay on track, we’re trying to do the ad and get free swatches from Buvalgagis.
Tweedle Dee: Oh, right, right, right, the scam. So get a Buvalgag ba ba… watch today.
Tweedle Dong: Coz everyone will respect you when you walk in the room wearing…
Brookie: Watches.
Friend: Anal Beads.
Tweedle Dee: With Buvalgagis!
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez
