SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Camp Wicawabe, 1990


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Camp Wicawabe, 1990

Cambria…..Aidy Bryant
Piper…..Kate McKinnon
Joseph…..Kyle Mooney
Luann…..Cecily Strong
Jeremy…..Andy Samberg

Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”

Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.

Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.

Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.

Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.

Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.

Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.

Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.

Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.

Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones

Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.

Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.

Luann: Hamburgers!

Piper: Thank you, Luann.

Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.

Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.

Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…

Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.

Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.

Jeremy: ‘Sup Cambria, little one.

Piper: Hey.

Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.

Piper: Wow.

Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.

Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?

Cambria: Yes.

Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.

Piper: Oh, so gross.

Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.

Cambria: What thing?

Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.

Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.

Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.

Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.

Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.

Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.

Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.

Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.

Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.

Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.

Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.

Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.

Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.

Piper: Oh, so cool.

Jeremy: Right?

Cambria: Bye!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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