Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
Camp Wicawabe, 1990
Singing: “Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that’s what you do at Camp Wicawabe.”
Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight’s campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I’m Cambria and this is Piper.
Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.
Cambria: Yeah, we’re in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it’s been great.
Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.
Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving “ass butt” into a tree.
Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.
Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it’s time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and “cwafts”.
Cambria: That’s Joseph and he’s only six and here really he… he still wears a diaper.
Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones
Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.
Piper: Okay guys, we’re having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.
Piper: Thank you, Luann.
Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don’t know where she goes at night.
Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she’s not allowed to sleep at the camp.
Cambria: Okay, now it’s time for this week’s guest. He’s my older cousin…
Piper: And he’s fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.
Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.
Jeremy: ‘Sup Cambria, little one.
Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn’t affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.
Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you’ve done recently.
Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?
Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.
Piper: Oh, so gross.
Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.
Cambria: What thing?
Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.
Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you’re working with a lot of stuff I’ve never even heard of.
Piper: Okay, now’s the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.
Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we’ve done because there’s no moms and no dads here. I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit and no one’s keeping track so I’m not gonna do it.
Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it ’cause I’m bad to the bone.
Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn’t fit anybody but it was fun.
Piper: Oh wow. I’m trying to enjoy these stories but I don’t have context for any of them.
Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let’s take a moment to remember the campers who’ve had to go home early this year.
Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.
Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can’t poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.
Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.
Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.
Cambria: Well, okay, that’s all the time we have ’cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.
Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.
Piper: Oh, so cool.
Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez