SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Confident Hunchback


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Confident Hunchback

Quasimodo…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Beck Bennett
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Blonde…..Kate McKinnon
Plump Gal…..Aidy Bryant
Guy…..Taran Killam
Esmarelda…..Cecily Strong

Announcer: [ over scroll ]Paris, 1482.
The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ] [ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback, I like to meet!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to tavern ]

Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.

Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.

[ Quasimodo drops down from a rope, as the room gasps ]

Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!

[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]

Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?

Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!

Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?

Girl: My… you are confident.

Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!

Blonde: Move along, Creature!

Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]

Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!

Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]

Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!

Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!

Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!

Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?

Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!

Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!

Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?

Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.

Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.

Quasimodo: What??

Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]

Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.

Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…

Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…

Esmarelda: Yeah…

[ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to Quasimodo surrounded by all the girls ]

Quasimodo: I have, at most, a year to live!

[ he and the girls laugh playfully ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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