SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Confident Hunchback

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Confident Hunchback

Quasimodo…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Beck Bennett
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Blonde…..Kate McKinnon
Plump Gal…..Aidy Bryant
Guy…..Taran Killam
Esmarelda…..Cecily Strong

Announcer: [ over scroll ]Paris, 1482.
The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ] [ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback, I like to meet!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to tavern ]

Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.

Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.

[ Quasimodo drops down from a rope, as the room gasps ]

Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!

[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]

Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?

Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!

Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?

Girl: My… you are confident.

Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!

Blonde: Move along, Creature!

Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]

Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!

Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]

Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!

Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!

Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!

Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?

Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!

Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!

Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?

Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.

Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.

Quasimodo: What??

Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]

Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.

Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…

Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…

Esmarelda: Yeah…

[ cut to title card ]

Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback!”

[ dissolve to Quasimodo surrounded by all the girls ]

Quasimodo: I have, at most, a year to live!

[ he and the girls laugh playfully ] [ fade ]

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