Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 21
13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent
Confident Hunchback
Quasimodo…..Andy Samberg
Bartender…..Beck Bennett
Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Blonde…..Kate McKinnon
Plump Gal…..Aidy Bryant
Guy…..Taran Killam
Esmarelda…..Cecily Strong
Announcer: [ over scroll ]Paris, 1482.
The great Cathedral of Notre Dame stands high over the city. Its caretaker: a lowly hunchback, hidden away in its belltower. Many feared him, but few realized that the size of his horrific deformity was nothing… compared to his swagger.” ]
[ cut to title card ]
Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback, I like to meet!
Confident Hunchback!”
Bartender: Ugh! Don’t look now — Here comes that wretch from the cathedral.
Girl: Oh, how he turns my stomach.
Quasimodo: Comin’ in hot! [ he ambles up to the counter ] Cool Guy Alert! Is it me, or am I GREAT? Hey, compadre, start me with a red wine — NEAT!
[ the Bartender thrusts a stein at him ]Quasimodo: [ to the girl ] And what’s your name, Gorgeous?
Girl: Leave me alone, Monster!
Quasimodo: Oooooh! “M” word, right out the gate! Hunchie like! Now, what say we get out of here?
Girl: My… you are confident.
Quasimodo: Hold that thought. I just spotted an “8”. [ he ambles over to a blonde ] Oh, what is this? Hello, there!
Blonde: Move along, Creature!
Quasimodo: Me-owwww! Claws are out! But I got a “hunch”… I’m gonna be making you breakfast tomorrow! [ he laughs while pointing to his back ]
Blonde: [ impressed ] Ohhhhhhh! You’re bad!
Quasimodo: At breathing — ’cause of my mangled skeleton. Call me! [ he saunters across a room and picks up a hat ] Hey — fedora! [ he tries it on ] Nope! Not even me! [ he approaches a plump gal ] Hey there! Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? Because it killed my Mom when I was born! [ he laughs ]
Guy: [ wielding his sword ] Get your dirty hump away from her!
Quasimodo: No can do! And P.S.: My spine’s not the only thing that’s curved!
Plump Gal: Ohhhh! Well! Oooooohh!
Quasimodo: I know — gross, right? Say, how about you ditch the straightback, and we see if we can’t put some more STINK into these rags?
Guy: You gotta go for it — He’s incredible!
Quasimodo: Snooze, you lose! [ he ambles over to Esmarelda ] Uh-oh! Look at this little dimepiece! [ he strains to sit next to her ] Don’t rob me, Gypsy! Too late, you stole my heart!
Esmarelda: I’m sorry? You don’t remember me? I’m… I’m Esmarelda. I brought you bread and water when you were being pilloried in the town square?
Quasimodo: Oh… yes. [ as violin music plays ] You’re the only person who ever… showed me kindness.
Esmarelda: That’s right, Quasimodo. Because I’m the only one that knows you have a beautiful soul.
Quasimodo: What??
Esmarelda: I said, you have a beautiful soul. [ she caresses his hunch, as he recoils ]
Quasimodo: Gahhhh!! We shouldn’t do this.
Esmarelda: No… I wasn’t…
Quasimodo: ‘Cause I don’t want to mess up our friendship, so…
Esmarelda: Yeah…
Theme Song:
“Confident Hunchback, on the streets!
Confident Hunchback!”
Quasimodo: I have, at most, a year to live!
[ he and the girls laugh playfully ] [ fade ]