SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Waking Up with Kimye


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Waking Up with Kimye

Kanye West…..Jay Pharoah
Kim Kardashian…..Nasim Pedrad
Bruce Jenner…..Taran Killam
Justin Puppet…..Andy Samberg

Kanye West: Welcome to our show Waking Up with Kimye. It’s America’s favorite morning team, we got so much chemistry, we can finish each other’s…

Kim Kardashian: Hi.

Kanye West: Na, na, na, on May 24th Kim and I are getting married, fam. What’s marriage mean to you baby?

Kim Kardashian: That’s the thing you need in order to get a divorce.

Kanye West: In one week Kim will walk down the aisle, take her place at the altar and then watch me ride down the aisle on a meladale elephant.

Kim Kardashian: Elephants are the best.

Kanye West: And what better place for a cultural icon like Kim to get married than Florence Italy.

Kim Kardashian: Cheerio Gov’nor!

Kanye West: No, no, that’s England baby. You know Florence, what do they always say to you in Italy?

Kim Kardashian: Leave!

Kanye West: At this time we normally introduce our in house band comprised of the entire Kardashian family, but the ladies are being fitted for their bridesmaids, Yeezus masks and Rob is eatin’ pie. So please welcome my new sidekick Kardashian family patriarch, Bruce Jenner.

Bruce Jenner: Hi Kim, hi Kanye.

Kanye West: Hey yo! Can you believe we’re getting married?

Bruce Jenner: Oh, I get so emotional just thinking about it. I mean, I would be crying but my tear ducts are stretched behind my ears.

Kanye West: Well, we’re happy you’re here Mister Jenner.

Bruce Jenner: Oh Kanye, Mr. Jenner is my dad, please call me Linda.

Kim Kardashian: Miss you Linda.

Kanye West: Ayt, let’s bring out today’s guest. Since the entire world is hungry for details about our wedding, we decided to reveal some secrets.

Kim Kardashian: Please welcome our wedding planner, Justin Puppet.

Justin Puppet: Hello, hello, hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Hello! Kim you look gorgeous.

Kim Kardashian: Thanks.

Kanye West: Of course she does, I dressed her.

Kim Kardashian: So Justin, what can you reveal about our upcoming wedding?

Justin Puppet: Well, first off, every guest will arrive to the venue on a golden rickshaw pulled by the beautiful and strapping Khloe Kardashian.

Kim Kardashian: Khloe’s strong.

Justin Puppet: Ah, yeah. I’ve seen that girl deadlift a fully stocked refrigerator so…

Kanye West: Tell them about the vows Justin.

Justin Puppet: Okay, Kim and Kanye prepared their own wedding vows. Kanye will give a beautiful and loud three hour speech about Kim’s ass and Kim will read her favorite verse from Green Eggs and Ham.

Kim Kardashian: It’s the part where it rhymes.

Justin Puppet: And the reception will be naner’s. The dinner tables will be in Florence but the open bar will be in Paris so that will be fun to figure out.

Kanye West: It’s genius!

Justin Puppet: Yeah, yeah. Oh and security will be intense so paparazzi, please RSVP. In a nutshell this wedding is going to be tight.

Bruce Jenner: The tighter the better, I always say.

Justin Puppet: And don’t even get me started on Kim’s dress.

Kanye West: Which brings us to the part of our show where we look at the latest developments in the world of fashion in a segment we call What Kim Designed, Wedding Edition. Now, Kim and I decided, decided to design what we’ll be wearing at the wedding. I went with the classic understated look. It is a full leather tuxedo inspired by two geniuses, Givenchy Gavjivanchi and Batman. It’s what I believe Jesus would’ve worn if he had access to a kilometer of leather. Now, I had to work with a team of designers to create that. But Kim designed her wedding dress all by herself.

Kim Kardashian: I drew this, you guys. That’s my dress, balloon and the sun is wearing sunglasses because it’s bright.

Kanye West: You’re all looking at the next Vera Wang.

Kim Kardashian: Aha, Wang.

Justin Puppet: Yeah. The whole event is gonna be expensive and scary and fun and unnecessary and fun.

Kanye West: Ayt fam we’re gonna take a quick break. When we come back, Kim talks about climate change.

Kim Kardashian: Do you ever notice it gets warmer in the summer?

Kanye West: Save that world, baby!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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