SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Andy Samberg’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Andy Samberg’s Monologue

…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Meyers
…..Bill Hader
…..Martin Short

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Andy Samberg!

Andy Samberg: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! It’s — yes! Thank you! Thank you! It’s SUPER great to be here hosting the season finale of “SNL”! Unbelievable! Uh, before we begin, I should mention Justin Timberlake could NOT be here tonight. He’s touring in Russia. I just want to get that out of the way. But I do understand that he sent a picture to wish me luck.

[ image: Justin Timberlake in Russia, pixellated middle finger with “You’re Gonna Blow It!” sign ]

Andy Samberg: He’s a good friend. Anyways — I myself have had a crazy year. I got married. [ audience cheers ] Yep! And I’m working on a new show — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — for which I’ve won TWO Golden Globes. [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yes, I’ve won TWO Golden Globes for it, which brings new meaning to the phrase: “…And twiiiins!” Thank you! I put on a suit to tell that joke! And, of course, before that, I was a cast member here on “SNL”, where I appeared in, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! Where I appeared in upwards of 100 Digital Shorts and SIX live sketches. So this is gonna go great! But one thing I was less known for was doing impressions. Now, that said, I was poking around online… and was shocked to find that I only did twenty-three fewer impressions than my fellow castmate and impression master Bill Hader. So I thought — since he’s not here to defend himself — why not catch him up all in one shot here tonight? So, here to help me break the record — my good friend, Seth Meyers!

[ Seth Meyers appears and hugs Andy ]

Seth Meyers: How you doing? I’m so excited!

Andy Samberg: So excited! Alright, here we go! Let’s put 300 minutes on the clock.

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s WAY too many minutes.

Andy Samberg: Let’s skip the clock!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Andy Samberg: And… GO!!

Seth Meyers: Paul Giamatti!

Andy Samberg: “Ahhhhhhh, I don’t know, it seems like a bad idea!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jay Baruchel!

Andy Samberg: “Um… you want me to train my dragon?!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: John Travolta!

Andy Samberg: “It’s, like, oh my God!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alan Arkin!

Andy Samberg: “What is this Argo??”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Ryan Reynolds!

Andy Samberg: “I… don’t understand.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jim Carrey!

Andy Samberg: “IIIIIIII… don’t understand!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alf!

Andy Samberg: “No prob-lem!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The dad from “Alf”!

Andy Samberg: [ grunting ] “Mmm… Alf! Don’t eat the cat!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Roland Gibb, from Fine Young Cannibals.

Andy Samberg: “Good thing!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Well done. Beetlejuice!

Andy Samberg: “HEY!! Look, help me up…”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Keanu Reeves!

Andy Samberg: “Whoa!”

[ buzz! ]

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, it doesn’t count. You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast.

Andy Samberg: [ mimicking ] “You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast…” Seth Meyers!

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Good one! Larry David!

Andy Samberg: “Prettyyyyyyy… prettyyyyyyy… okay!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Zooey Deschenel!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, how’s it going?”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Seth Rogen!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, man!” [ he chuckles heartily ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Teller, from Penn & Teller!

[ Andy stands silently ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Andy Samberg: “Ohhhh, yeahhh!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The guy who does the “Entourage” theme song.

Andy Samberg: [ high-pitched ] “Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Smokey the Bear!

Andy Samberg: [ grabbing hat ] “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Pharrell!

[ Andy punches the hat into a taller shape and puts it back on his head ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Liam Neeson!

Andy Samberg: “A particular set of skills!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Osama bin Laden!

Andy Samberg: [ recoiling ] “No, no, no, no, no!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Really good! Really good. Chris Mullin!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Larry Byrd!

Andy Samberg: “AH was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Charles Barkley!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was ALSO on the Dream Team!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: That’s 24! You DID it, Andy! You did it!

[ suddenly, Bill Hader bursts forward to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Seth! [ hands index cards over ] Read those names.

Andy Samberg: No!

Seth Meyers: [ reading ] Casey Kasem!

Bill Hader: “Good news! I’ve… been found!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Andy Samberg!

Bill Hader: [ with a drawl ] “I play a smart detective! That’s believable! Smorky-borg!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: You DID it!! Bill Hader is STILL the Master of Impressions!

[ confetti and balloons fall, and Martin Short hands Bill a bouquet of roses to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Martin Short?!

Martin Short: Bill! You nailed it, buddy! You killed it!

Andy Samberg: Great! Martin Short, my childhood hero. So that stinks. But! I suppose I brought this on myself. We’ve got a great show! St. Vincent is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

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