SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: Andy Samberg’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 21












13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Andy Samberg’s Monologue

…..Andy Samberg
…..Seth Meyers
…..Bill Hader
…..Martin Short

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Andy Samberg!

Andy Samberg: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much! It’s — yes! Thank you! Thank you! It’s SUPER great to be here hosting the season finale of “SNL”! Unbelievable! Uh, before we begin, I should mention Justin Timberlake could NOT be here tonight. He’s touring in Russia. I just want to get that out of the way. But I do understand that he sent a picture to wish me luck.

[ image: Justin Timberlake in Russia, pixellated middle finger with “You’re Gonna Blow It!” sign ]

Andy Samberg: He’s a good friend. Anyways — I myself have had a crazy year. I got married. [ audience cheers ] Yep! And I’m working on a new show — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” — for which I’ve won TWO Golden Globes. [ the audience cheers wildly ] Yes, I’ve won TWO Golden Globes for it, which brings new meaning to the phrase: “…And twiiiins!” Thank you! I put on a suit to tell that joke! And, of course, before that, I was a cast member here on “SNL”, where I appeared in, uh — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Thank you! Where I appeared in upwards of 100 Digital Shorts and SIX live sketches. So this is gonna go great! But one thing I was less known for was doing impressions. Now, that said, I was poking around online… and was shocked to find that I only did twenty-three fewer impressions than my fellow castmate and impression master Bill Hader. So I thought — since he’s not here to defend himself — why not catch him up all in one shot here tonight? So, here to help me break the record — my good friend, Seth Meyers!

[ Seth Meyers appears and hugs Andy ]

Seth Meyers: How you doing? I’m so excited!

Andy Samberg: So excited! Alright, here we go! Let’s put 300 minutes on the clock.

Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s WAY too many minutes.

Andy Samberg: Let’s skip the clock!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Andy Samberg: And… GO!!

Seth Meyers: Paul Giamatti!

Andy Samberg: “Ahhhhhhh, I don’t know, it seems like a bad idea!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jay Baruchel!

Andy Samberg: “Um… you want me to train my dragon?!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: John Travolta!

Andy Samberg: “It’s, like, oh my God!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alan Arkin!

Andy Samberg: “What is this Argo??”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Ryan Reynolds!

Andy Samberg: “I… don’t understand.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Jim Carrey!

Andy Samberg: “IIIIIIII… don’t understand!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Alf!

Andy Samberg: “No prob-lem!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The dad from “Alf”!

Andy Samberg: [ grunting ] “Mmm… Alf! Don’t eat the cat!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Roland Gibb, from Fine Young Cannibals.

Andy Samberg: “Good thing!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Well done. Beetlejuice!

Andy Samberg: “HEY!! Look, help me up…”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Keanu Reeves!

Andy Samberg: “Whoa!”

[ buzz! ]

Seth Meyers: I’m sorry, it doesn’t count. You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast.

Andy Samberg: [ mimicking ] “You already did Keanu Reeves when you were in the cast…” Seth Meyers!

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Good one! Larry David!

Andy Samberg: “Prettyyyyyyy… prettyyyyyyy… okay!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Zooey Deschenel!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, how’s it going?”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Seth Rogen!

Andy Samberg: “Hey, man!” [ he chuckles heartily ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Teller, from Penn & Teller!

[ Andy stands silently ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Randy “Macho Man” Savage.

Andy Samberg: “Ohhhh, yeahhh!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: The guy who does the “Entourage” theme song.

Andy Samberg: [ high-pitched ] “Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Smokey the Bear!

Andy Samberg: [ grabbing hat ] “Only you can prevent forest fires.”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Pharrell!

[ Andy punches the hat into a taller shape and puts it back on his head ] [ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Liam Neeson!

Andy Samberg: “A particular set of skills!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Osama bin Laden!

Andy Samberg: [ recoiling ] “No, no, no, no, no!!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Really good! Really good. Chris Mullin!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Larry Byrd!

Andy Samberg: “AH was on the Dream Team!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Charles Barkley!

Andy Samberg: “Ah was ALSO on the Dream Team!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: That’s 24! You DID it, Andy! You did it!

[ suddenly, Bill Hader bursts forward to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Seth! [ hands index cards over ] Read those names.

Andy Samberg: No!

Seth Meyers: [ reading ] Casey Kasem!

Bill Hader: “Good news! I’ve… been found!”

[ ding! ]

Seth Meyers: Andy Samberg!

Bill Hader: [ with a drawl ] “I play a smart detective! That’s believable! Smorky-borg!”

[ ding-ding-ding!! ]

Seth Meyers: You DID it!! Bill Hader is STILL the Master of Impressions!

[ confetti and balloons fall, and Martin Short hands Bill a bouquet of roses to massive applause ]

Bill Hader: Martin Short?!

Martin Short: Bill! You nailed it, buddy! You killed it!

Andy Samberg: Great! Martin Short, my childhood hero. So that stinks. But! I suppose I brought this on myself. We’ve got a great show! St. Vincent is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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