SNL Transcripts: Andy Samberg: 05/17/14: The Vogelchecks


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

The Vogelchecks

Matt…..Taran Killam
Kevin Vogelcheck…..Andy Samberg
Mrs. Vogelcheck…..Kristin Wiig
Mr. Vogelcheck….Fred Armisen
Dwayne Vogelcheck…..Bill Hader
Austin Vogelcheck…..Paul Rudd
Great Grandma Vogelcheck…..Kate McKinnon
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph

[ open as Kevin and Matt enter the Vogelcheck living room ]

Matt: I got to admit, I’m a little nervous meeting my boyfriend’s parents and all.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Oh don’t worry, they’re gonna love you. When you in the Vogelcheck house, you’re family.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Ken Is that you? Oh great! My little boy’s become a man. My little boy is a man. We were so worried about you because of the weather, wasn’t sure about plane but I can’t believe your here. (kissing)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Oh I know that voice. (applause) Look at you muscle man, huh? Hey are you lifting weights? What’d they do to you, huh, huh, huh. So proud of you so proud of you. So proud of you, so proud of you. And I love you.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Mom, pop this is my boyfriend Matt.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Matt, we are so proud to have you here.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Matt no need to be shy around us we do not bite. Your mom does though.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Will you tell your dad to stop teasing me?

Matt: Wow, your parents are really..

Kevin Vogelcheck: Affectionate. Yeah I know.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Alright come on kids have a seat. We’re just in the middle of watching the NFL Draft.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey is that Tweedle Dum down there?

Kevin Vogelcheck: Big brother Dwayne, always busting my chops.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey I heard the nerd parade was in town but I didn’t know they were coming up our streets.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Duane, come on.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey, I’m just givin em a good time come on. Hey wet willie.

Kevin Vogelcheck: No!

(Dwayne slobbers all over Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Hey pick on someone your own size. Get over here.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Hey.

(they all kiss)

Austin Vogelcheck: Oh well well. If it isn’t Jones Master General.

Kevin Vogelcheck: That’s my other brother Austin.

Austin Vogelcheck: Wait a minute, you bozos have been out here all this time and you haven’t said hello to your great grandma Vogelcheck.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: It is so good to see you all. (kissing)

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Okay everyone be quiet. The NFL Draft is back from commercial.

Austin Vogelcheck: Ooh! ooh! I’m so excited. (he kisses Kevin)

Mr. Vogelcheck: Me too! (je kisses Austin)

Kevin Vogelcheck: Ooh! Turn the volume up.

Announcer: The St. Louis Rams select Michael Sam. We now take you live to his agent’s house where he’s celebrating with his boyfriend.

Mr. Vogelcheck: Wow is he kissing his boyfriend?

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Seems like a lot for TV. (he snuggles in Mrs. Vogelcheck’s breasts)

Austin Vogelcheck: (snuggling Mr. Vogelcheck’s neck) Yeah I mean people are watching this with their families. (he licks his neck)

Matt: Um, excuse me everyone I’m sorry I have to say something. I didn’t speak up when you all made out as a family and I think you’re being a little close minded about a happy couple celebrating on television who just happened to be gay.

Kevin Vogelcheck: Matt!

Mr. Vogelcheck: No, no, no, no. Matt’s right. Sometimes we get so caught up in loving our own family we forget about… loving everyone in the world.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: That’s right.

Mr. Vogelcheck: And that’s important.

Dwayne Vogelcheck: Totally important.

Mr. Vogelcheck: I guess this kinda, I don’t know, makes all a bunch of little, kinda, I don’t know. Vogelchecks. Just don’t let grandma see, okay? She’s a little old fashioned.

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: What is this on TV? Oh God, oh no. Oh, no.

Mrs. Vogelcheck: Oh, no! Grandma’s having a heart attack! Quick! Get her nurse! Get her nurse!

[ Nurse rushes in ]

Nurse: What?! Oh my heavens! Oh, Mrs. Vogelcheck! I can save her! (kisses her, then grabs her breasts) One, two, three, four… I need more air!

Austin Vogelcheck: Take mine!

(they pass mouth-to-mouth to one another until it reaches Grandma)

Great Grandma Vogelcheck: I’m alright!

Matt: Now, now that’s what I call a touch down!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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