Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 40: Episode 1
NFL on CBS
Jim Nantz…..Beck Bennett
Phil Simms…..Taran Killam
Derrick Watkins…..Kenan Thompson
Kyle Jeffries…..Bobby Moynihan
Terry Pope…..Jay Pharoah
Victor Naples…..Chris Pratt
Calvin Williams…..Kyle Mooney
Marvin Ingram…..Michael Che
Willie Sampson…..Pete Davidson
Jeffrie Wilkins…..Chris Pratt
Terrence White…..Kenan Thompson
Lavar Washington…..Jay Pharoah
Tim Stevens…..Colin Jost
Jacob Reynolds…..Jay Pharoah
Donald Washburn…..Chris Pratt
Wendell Jones…..Pete Davidson
Devin Peters…..Kenan Thompson
Bart Doleman…..Chris Pratt
Barry Jenkins…..Kyle Mooney
Greg Watkins…..Kyle Mooney
Abaskuul Solemon…..Jay Pharoah
Kendrick Douglas…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas…..Leslie Jones
Melvin McDonald…..Chris Pratt
[ open on “NFL on CBS” graphics ] [ dissolve to booth ]
Jim Nantz: Hello, and welcome to “The NFL on CBS”! I’m Jim Nantz, and with me in the booth is Phil Simms!
Phil Simms: Great to be here, Jim!
Jim Nantz: Obviously, the NFL is under tremendous SCRUTINY right now, with a series of embarrassing scandals over the past few weeks.
Phil Simms: Well, they’re trying their best to move forward and start taking responsibility for their actions.
Jim Nantz: Accountability! That’s what the NFL is all about. And I think you’ll see that reflected in today’s player introductions. First, let’s meet the Baltimore Ravens offense.[ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Derrick Watkins: Derrick Watkins. ASSAULT!
Kyle Jeffries: Kyle Jeffries. Manslaughter!
Terry Pope: Terry Pope. I brought an assault rifle to a barbecue!
Victor Naples: Victor Naples. Whole bunch o’ stuff!
Calvin Williams: Calvin Williams. Loitering with an attempt to murder!
Marvin Ingram: Marvin Ingram. I was accused of assault at THE Ohio State University!
Willie Sampson: Willie Sampson. Treason!
Jeffrey Wilkins: Jeffrey Wilkins. Involuntary prostitution!
Terrence White: Terrence White! I OD’d on penis pills!
Lavar Washington: Lavar Washington. I punched a mailman — That’s FEDERAL, baby!
Tim Stevens: And I’m the punter. Tax fraud![ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Wow… Certainly a different line than we’re used to seeing.
Phil Simms: Well, there have been a lot of suspensions, so the teams do look significantly different than they did last week.
Jim Nantz: The players look less athletic.
Phil Simms: I noticed that as well!
Jim Nantz: Now, will the players be discussing the punishments they’ve received for their offenses?
Phil Simms: Uh, no… we’re not gonna… [ he shushes Jim ]
Jim Nantz: Now, let’s meet the visiting Carolina Panthers defense![ cut to reel of player introductions, highlighted by quick costume changes as the cameras jump from player to player ]
Jacob Reynolds: Jacob Reynolds. Burned down a strip club!
Donald Washburn: Donald Washburn. American Taliban!
Wendell Jones: Wendell Jones. I love cocaine!
Devin Peters: Devin Peters. Stanford!
Bart Doleman: Bart Doleman. I haven’t done nuthin’ yet… but I’m gonna!
Barry Jenkins: Barry Jenkins. I did some weird stuff on a cruise ship!
Greg Watkins: Greg Watkins. I was on that cruise, too — it was pretty fun!
Abaskuul Solemon: Abaskuul Solemon. Somali pirate!
Kendrick Douglas: Kendrick Douglas. I hit my wife.
Mrs. Kendrick Douglas: And I’m his wife! I hit his ass BACK!!
Melvin McDonald: And I’m Melvin McDonald. I sent a picture of my ding-dong to Michelle Obama. Go Panthers![ return to the booth ]
Jim Nantz: Well, as you can see, it’s a whole new era for the National Football League.
Phil Simms: So let’s get you straight to the field for kickoff, and we’ll see you back here for the Bud Light Lime-a-Rita Halftime Show, featuring Chris Brown and a very special tribute to Pac-Man Jones.
Jim Nantz: This is the “NFL on CBS”![ dissolve to graphics ] [ fade ]