39 Cents

Charles Daniels… Bill Hader

Jay Pharoah

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Leslie Jones

Ballery… Vanessa Bayer

[Start with video clips of slum dwellers.]

[Cut to Charles Daniels]

Charles Daniels: Hello. I’m Charles Daniels. For years, we’ve been taking it to villages like his, and showing you the heartbreak of families whose only mistake was being born poor. They need your help. And for only 39 cents a day, you can provide water, food and medicine for these people. Just 39 cents, that’s less than a small cup of coffee, but it can make all the difference in the world to the people in this village.

[A slum dweller washing clothes whispering]

Jay: Ask for more.

Charles Daniels: Sorry?

Jay: Ask for more money. Why are you starting so low?

[Cut to Charles Daniels speaking in the village]

Charles Daniels: As you can see these villagers are desperate for your help. So, don’t hesitate. Pick up the phone.

[Slum dwellers at the back talking]

Kenan: Ay, what they shooting?

Jay: Commercial of something.

Kenan: A what?

Charles Daniels: Dial the number and send over 39 cents. That’s all we need.

Kenan: [yelling from the back] Start higher!

Jay: I know, right?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents may not sound like a lot, but it can mean so much to these families.

Jay: [speaking from behind] It’s not even a round number. Like, if he said $one, I could see how he got there.

Kenan: Yeah, but you know, they always have to take away a penny to make it sound like less.

Jay: I get that. I’m just saying, why not start at 99 cents?

Charles Daniels: 39 cents, that’s [speaking loudly so that Jay and Kenan can hear] all these people need survive. And they’d be so, so lucky and appreciative to get it. So, for the price of a cup coffee.

[Sasheer walks to Jay and Kenan behind]

Sasheer: Who that?

Kenan: He talking about all they need to send is a bare minimum to keep us alive.

[Cut to Charles Daniels talking in another place]
Charles Daniels: We’re not asking for the bare minimum. [Jay, Kenan and Sasheer are following Charles Daniels] This number has been decided by very educated and caring people who can save your lives.

Sasheer: How?

Charles Daniels: How?

Sasheer: How are you gonna safe our lives from only 39 cents? Because I’m trying to do the math in my head but I just can’t see it.

Charles Daniels: 39 cents is plenty.

[Leslie walks in]

Leslie: He keeps saying 39  cents. Why you keep saying 39 cents?

Charles Daniels: For the price of a cup of coffee.

Leslie: Why can’t it be the price of Arizona Ice Tea? They 99 cents.

Charles Daniels: Because it’s not the price of an Arizona. It’s gotta be coffee.

Jay: It don’t though.

Sasheer: Plus, coffee is way more expensive than 39 cents.

Charles Daniels: It’s 39 cents. You know, for starving village, you people have a lot of energy. Maybe people will just send their checks some place else.

Kenan: Oh, you asking for a check? Yo, why would you ask for a check?

Sasheer: You’d settle for a check.

Charles Daniels: It’s got to be a check, okay?

Jay: It don’t though.

[Ballery walks in]

Ballery: Here’s your coffee and your change, Mr. Daniels.

Charles Daniels: Perfect timing Ballery. I love it.

Kenan: Ay, white lady, how much is that coffee?

Charles Daniels: It doesn’t matter.

Leslie: I bet you don’t even know what country you in.

Charles Daniels: I do know what country I’m in.

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: What? What country are you at?

Charles Daniels: Africa?

Jay, Kenan, Sasheer and Leslie: Oh! Listen! Hell no!

[Leslie looks at the camera and speaks]

Leslie: Ay! If you wanna see this cheap ass white man again, you better send us $Jay00 cash right now. Don’t hesitate.

[Cut to HelpFund video bumper. It has ‘Send $Jay00 to save Charles Daniels’ on it.]