Barack Obama… Jay Pharoah
Mitch McConnell… Taran Killam
Michelle Obama… Sasheer Zamata
[Starts with a clip of White House.]Male voice: Last week, republicans won decisively in the midterm elections. In a gesture of good will, President Obama offered to have a glass of Kentucky bourbon with future Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. This evening, that drink took place.
[Cut to Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell having a drink] [cheers and applause]Barack Obama: Senator, thanks for coming.
Mitch McConnell: My pleasure.
Barack Obama: Here’s to you and republicans on the victory.
Mitch McConnell: Well, thank you. Thank you. You know, I think that this election had a clear message.
Barack Obama: Yes, it did. Folks want us together.
Mitch McConnell: [interrupting] The people rejected you.
Barack Obama: Okay, good start.
[Three drinks in]Mitch McConnell: We ask you not to move on immigration without us and the first thing you do is say you’re gonna move the first thing.
Barack Obama: Okay, so you telling me that republicans are gonna pass an immigration bill? That’s your first– what do you first ask? A bill for immigration?
Mitch McConnell: Absolutely, yes. It is a huge priority.
Barack Obama: Really?
Mitch McConnell: Definitely.
[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell both laugh]Barack Obama: Okay, okay. Now, we’re having fun.
[Four drinks in] [They are laughing. Mitch McConnell is calling someone.]Barack Obama: Did she pick up yet?
Mitch McConnell: Hold on! [speaking on the phone making different voice] Yes, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. This is publisher’s clearing house. I want you to know you’ve won an all expense paid trip to ‘get whooped in Mitch McConnell0Barack Obama6’.
[Mitch McConnell hangs up the phone] [Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are laughing]Barack Obama: Did she know it was us?
Mitch McConnell: She had no idea. And even if she did, she do not in front of congress.
Mitch McConnell: You’re black.
Barack Obama: I am half black, yes.
Mitch McConnell: And you are the president of the United States. That’s crazy. I mean, you ever think about that? A black US president with this country’s history? No one would have thought that.
Barack Obama: No one would have every thought that the senate majority leader would be a redneck who looks like he lots his lips in a fight.
Mitch McConnell: No! Okay, I may have deserved that. I can’t dance like you.
Barack Obama: You guys are so mean to me.
Mitch McConnell: Stop it.
Barack Obama: I mean, you are. You hate me. You know what Malia said the other day?
Mitch McConnell: What?
Barack Obama: She said, “Daddy, that man who ran across the White House lawn wanted to kill you. Was that Mitch McConnell?”
Mitch McConnell: She did not!
Barack Obama: She did.
Mitch McConnell: Oh! I don’t want that. Now you mad me cry!
[Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell are crying] [Nine drinks in] [Barack Obama has a medal on his head]Barack Obama: I could sure use a smoke right now.
[Michelle Obama walks in]Michelle Obama: Barack, it’s Barack ObamaBarack Obama o’clock.
Barack Obama: Michelle, we’re just finishing up.
Michelle Obama: Is that the Presidential Medal of Freedom on your head?
Barack Obama: I was just showing the senator. Michelle, you look great tonight.
Michelle Obama: Don’t! We have to fly to China early tomorrow morning.
[Michelle Obama leaves]Mitch McConnell: [teasing Barack Obama] Ooh, you’re in trouble.
Barack Obama: In the doory house baby. You know what? So, I guess there’s nothing getting done in next two years, huh?
Mitch McConnell: Not a damn thing.
Barack Obama: Well, you know what? That’s great! But we can do this together.
Barack Obama and Mitch McConnell: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
