Asian American Doll

[Starts with three girls playing in their play room]

Female voice: You and your dolls do everything together. You’ve gone to shopping with Christy.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie.]

Girl: Yeah!

Female voice: Cheered for the winning team with Stacey.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: Go!

Female voice: And planned a wedding with Stephanie.

[Cut to a girl with her barbie]

Girl: So pretty.

[Cut to all three girls]

Female voice: And this Christmas, it’s time to meet a brand new doll. It’s Asian American doll. The doll that’s Asian American.

[Cut to a girl carrying the new doll]

Girl: I love Asian American doll.

Female voice: We’re glad to hear it because we had to have a lot of sensitivity meetings about her. She was very tricky.

Girl: What’s Asian American doll’s name?

Another girl: She doesn’t have a name.

Female voice: That’s because, last Christmas we released a native American doll named ‘Flying Eagle’. And we haven’t heard the end of it.

Girl: Okay.

Another girl: I’m gonna name her Kiko.

Female voice: Alright, but you did that. Not us.

[Cut to mom walking in]

Mom: Naomi, it’s almost time to do your math homework.

Girl: Can Asian American doll help me?

Mom: Sure. But the company was very clear on the box that Asian American doll has no academic strengths or weaknesses.

Girl: Where’s Asian American doll from?

Mom: Asia.

Girl: I know, but like, what country? Japan? Or China?

Female voice: You ask a lot of questions. You should go play outside. Bye.

[Cut to the girl asking question going out. Mom takes her doll.]

Please don’t poke holes on Asian American doll. We tried so hard on her. As the box says, “Just take her or leave her.”

Girl: Oh, look. She has a pull string.

Female voice: Yeap, but we couldn’t settle in anything for her to say. So, just pull it out and throw it out in the trash.

Mom: Oh, that’s no fun. You could have something for her to say. Like… [mom gets confused.]

Female voice: Oh, and every doll comes with her own dream house. So, Asian American doll does too.

[Asian American doll’s house is empty.]

Girls: No, it’s empty!

Female voice: Fun, right? That way, you get to be accountable for what’s in there.

Girl: I’m gonna add an oriental rug.

Female voice: Um, your funeral. And last but not least, Asian American doll comes with two harmless accessories that went through 40 focus groups. An adorable puppy and chef’s hat. Because anyone can be a chef, right? These are fine?

Girl: Yes. I love her Chef’s hat.

Another girl: And the puppy is so cute.

Girl: But wait, is that so she can eat the puppy or something? Because she’s Asian?

Female voice: Are you kidding me? You never even founded that. Oh, my god! No, no, no!

Background song: [singing] It’s Asian American doll

we made it from a place of fear.

[gong bell sound]

Female voice: I specifically said, NO GONG!

[cheers and applause]

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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