Assembly Line

Mr. Rudoman… Martin Freeman

Gordon… Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of Heinz factory.]

Mr. Rudoman: Okay, Gordon. [Cut to inside the ketchup factory] This is your station.

Gordon: Oh, great. Thank you so much, Mr. Rudoman for this opportunity. It’s just so hard to find good work these days.

Mr. Rudoman: Oh, it’s quite simple actually. You ever worked on assembly line?

Gordon: Never.

Mr. Rudoman: Not a problem. Couldn’t be easier. Now, this is the master control for the assembly line that puts the labels on the ketchup bottles. You just watch the light. When it turns green, you pull this lever- this lever, and that starts the assembly line. And the only time you have to do anything else is if the light turns yellow, which means there is a safety issue. Then you push the lever back up. Hopefully that never happens. Then at the end of the day, you just push up the lever and shut down the assembly line. You got it?

Gordon: Uh-huh.

Mr. Rudoman: You have any questions, come find me.

Gordon: Okay. So, I build it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Right. You– wait, no, what?

Gordon: I’m sorry. I assemble it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] No, gordon.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: This controls the assembly line. You just start and stop.

Gordon: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous. I love ketchup. Okay, so I move it?

Mr. Rudoman: [confused] Move?

Gordon: Or spin it?

Mr. Rudoman: Spin what?

Gordon: The line.

Mr. Rudoman: No. No, the assembly line moves itself. This is the lever to start and stop it. Green, you pull it. Yellow, push it.

Gordon: Blue?

Mr. Rudoman: here’s no blue.
Gordon: Good to know.

Mr. Rudoman: Here, watch. When this little light turns green, I pull like this. Then I leave it alone, unless the light turns yellow, then I push it like this.

Gordon: So, never actually touch it.

Mr. Rudoman: No, I’m miming because if I actually move it–

Gordon: It turns yellow.

Mr. Rudoman: No! The assembly line starts.

Gordon: Which I move by hand.

Mr. Rudoman: Wrong. How are you not getting this?

Gordon: I’m as baffled as you are.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. I need you to listen very carefully.

Gordon: Okay.

Mr. Rudoman: When this light turns green…

Gordon: Light turns green.

Mr. Rudoman: Pull the lever down.

Gordon: Pull the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: And leave the lever alone.

Gordon: Don’t touch it again.

Mr. Rudoman: Unless…

Gordon: There’s more.

Mr. Rudoman: The same light turns yellow.

Gordon: Oh, it’s the same light.

Mr. Rudoman: That means something’s wrong.

Gordon: Oh, dear!

Mr. Rudoman: Then, push the lever back up.

Gordon: Now, we push the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: But only if the light turns yellow.

Gordon: Or blue.

Mr. Rudoman: There is no blue. Only yellow. If it never turns yellow, we…

Gordon: Never touch the lever.

Mr. Rudoman: Correct.

Gordon: Question.

Mr. Rudoman: Sure.

Gordon: What’s a lever?

Mr. Rudoman: Seriously?

Gordon: I take my work very seriously.

Mr. Rudoman: See this? That’s the lever.

Gordon: Oh, the stick?

Mr. Rudoman: Uh-huh.

Gordon: Oh! Is that what you’re talking about the whole time?

Mr. Rudoman: Yes!

Gordon: Ah! It’s so easy. Okay, so, green light comes on, pull the lever, leave it unless a different light–

Mr. Rudoman: No, same light.

Gordon: Same light… turns blue…

Mr. Rudoman: [yelling] Yellow!

Gordon: Yellow. Push it up. And then at the end of the day, stop it. That’s it.

Mr. Rudoman: Yep. All clear?

Gordon: Perfectly. I’m so sorry.

Mr. Rudoman: It’s very simple.

Gordon: I see that now.

Mr. Rudoman: Alright. Goodbye.

[Mr. Rudoman leaves]

Gordon: Okay. So, wait for it. [Gordon is waiting for the light] Wait for it. Wait for it.

[the light turns green]

Green light. Pull the lever. [Gordon pulls the lever.] It starts. Okay. Just leave it. That’s so simple. Oh, the ketchup. It’s not that hard.

[the light turns blue]

Blue light?

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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