Vanessa Bayer
Alberta… Cecily Strong
Sheryl… Aidy Bryant
Sasheer Zamata
Chris Pratt
Beck Bennett
Kyle Mooney
Bobby Moynihan
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with ladies sitting in a restaurant.]
Vanessa: I am so happy we came out tonight.
Alberta: Girl’s night.
Everybody: Woo!
Sheryl: Um, oh my god! Look at that guy. [Cut to four men on bar booth.]
Vanessa: Oh, he’s cute, Sheryl.
Sasheer: You should go talk to him.
Sheryl: Gosh, I could never. Like, what would I even say?
Alberta: Oh, come on! You’ve seen music videos and movies. You know how to flirt.
Sheryl: Gosh, you’re right Alberta. I’m gonna go.
[Sheryl walks to Todd]
Hi.
Todd: Hi.
Sheryl: I’m Sheryl. I don’t know how to do this. I’m nervous I guess.
[Sheryl starts to rap]
I’m hot, sticky, gooey and I’m ready to pop
po-put my gushy on your tushy and then spin on the top
with my big fat ass
you know you want it, it’s my big fat ass
Okay, bye.
[Sheryl runs to her friends.]
Was that okay? How was that?
Alberta: You seemed very horny and loud.
Sheryl: That’s good, right?
Vanessa: I think so.
Sheryl: I just– I wish I knew what he was thinking.
[Cut to the men at the bar booth]
Beck: That girl’s so into you. Go back and talk to her.
Todd: Dude, you know me. I don’t know how.
Kyle: Just be confident, like all the guys you see, in that swag.
[Cut to Todd]
Todd: Alright, I’ll give it a shot.
[Todd walks to Sheryl]
Hi.
Sheryl: Hey!
Todd: Gosh! I’m so nervous.
Sheryl: Me too.
Todd: You know, I just have to tell you, you make me feel like…
[Todd starts to rap]
dang, girl, I wanna bang that thing
bang, did you go insane?
Go to plow through your panties
like I’m running on diesel
when I open up my jeans
say “Pop goes the weasel”
Pop, pop, goes the weasel
pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel
Alright, bye.
[Todd walks back to his friends]
Bobby: Hey, Todd. Hey, did you just say, ‘Plow through your panties like I’m running on diesel?’
Todd: I guess so.
Bobby: What does that mean?
Todd: I guess, like, I’mma truck that speed through her panties.
Kyle: Wow, really great. Girls love that.
[Cut to the ladies]
Sheryl: And then he told me that he would open his jeans and then I’d say, “Pop goes the weasel.”
Alberta: Very cool, Sheryl.
Sasheer: Go back over there and talk to him.
Sheryl: Okay.
[Sheryl walks to Todd]
Todd: So.. urgh! Tell me about yourself.
Sheryl: Okay. Well I went to Wesley and I double majored in women studies.
[Sheryl starts to rap]
And my big fat ass, ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass
oh, my god! Look at my ass
Look-look-look at my ass
ba-ba-ba-ba-big fat ass.
What about you? Like, what kind of girls you’re into? You know?
Todd: Um, I guess it’s tough. I guess I’d say I like girls who…
[Todd starts to rap]
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
drop the ass low, shut the hell up
free-free-free-free
You know, I mean, that kind of stuff.
Sheryl: Yeah, that sounds neat.
[Sheryl runs to her friends]
Guys, he said he like girls who shut the hell up.
Alberta: That’s not good, Sheryl. You’re a feminist.
[Cut to Vanessa and Kate]
Kate: But he also mentioned asses and you have one of those.
Vanessa: Am I the only one who thinks Sheryl is hitting the ass stuff a little too hard?
[Cut to the ladies]
Sheryl: But honestly, like, what else do girls even say?
Sasheer: Talk about your family.
Sheryl: Okay.
[Sheryl walks to Todd]
So, I have one brother.
[Sheryl starts to rap]
He’s nine year’s Mikey and he looks like a Viking
he’s got some junker in his trunker so they say he look like me
because I got a big fat ass
[Alberta comes in]
Alberta: Chill! You’re back on the ass stuff again.
Sheryl: Okay.
[Alberta leaves]
Why don’t you tell me more about you?
Todd: [rapping] My name’s Todd and I like that bob
when I bounce that bubble on a curtain raw
when I put at them biscuits, clap them
we can smoke some crack
crack-crack-crack-crack everybody.
[Bobby comes in]
Bobby: Hey, Todd. You’re not gonna smoke crack with this lady, are you?
Todd: Is that what I said?
Bobby: Yeah!
[Bobby walks away]
Sheryl: Listen, Todd. I just I want you to know that, um, I’m down to…
[Sheryl starts to rap]
flirt and slurp,
I know you like it when I flurt my wurp
Todd: What were those words?
Sheryl: I don’t know. I just like you a lot.
Todd: Ow, would you like to go on a date sometime?
Sheryl: Oh, ya. I’d love to. I’ll make sure I’ll bring my
[Sheryl starts to rap]
big fat ass
and I will pump it like a…
[all the ladies and gentlemen join by dancing]
Sheryl and Todd: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
