Christi… Venessa Bayer
Don… Kyle Mooney
Todd… Woody Harrelson
Eva… Leslie Jones
Randy… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with five friends enjoying camp fire.]Christi: Such a brisk fall evening. I’m so glad I brought all these Chanel throws.
Don: Me too. This camp fire is so cozy. You build a good fire, Todd.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Oh, thanks. I just got lucky.
[Cut to Eva and Randy]Eva: You know what this reminds me of? Back when we used to hang out.
Randy: Oh, yeah, it does.
[Cut to everybody]Todd: Hey, you know what would be great right now? Some camp fire songs.
[Todd brings out a guitar] [Cut to Christi and Don]Christi: Oh, yeah. Let’s sing. That sounds fun. Hey, do you know ‘Michael, row your boat ashore’?
Todd: Oh, no. Not really. No. Oh, I know– Maybe, you guys would like this old chestnut. Just join in once you recognize it.
[Todd starts playing guitar and singing]Apples, apples
apples are a fruit from a tree
Come on, don’t be shy.
Apples, apples
you and me get apples tonight.
You guys still know this?
[Cut to Eva and Randy]Eva: I don’t think so.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Apples, apples,
gather your apples, you’re the cat of the walk
You really don’t know this?
[Cut to Christi and Don]Don: No.
Todd: You do. You have to.
Apples, apples,
the look in her eyes says everything.
Little louder, guys.
[Cut to Eva and Randy]Randy: None of us know this.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Yeah, but you will. Okay, here comes the bridge.
Apples, apples,
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying.
in the usual way, in the usual way
Come on, you know this part. [Cut to everybody] it just keeps repeating.
In the usual way
Go, Christi.
[Cut to Christi]Christi: In the usual way.
Todd: That’s not right. You do it Don.
[Cut to Christi and Don looking shocked.]Don: In the usual way
[Cut to Todd]Todd: That’s wrong. Okay, come on everybody. You know you will get it.
[Cut to Eva and Randy]Eva: In the usual way
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Bad job Eva. You try Randy.
Randy: In the usual way
[Cut to Todd]Todd: No, you’re not getting it. Let’s just go back to the chorus.
Apples, apples,
in the blink of an eye, you’re larger than life.
Randy: Todd! Stop it. [Cut to Eva and Randy] None of us know this song, for real.
[Cut to Christi and Don]Christi: Yeah, Todd, we don’t know what you’re playing.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Well, I do. I guess you don’t like it so. Watch this.
[Todd throws the guitar into the lake. The water splashes on Christi and Don]Randy: Todd, that was unreasonable.
[Cut to Christi and Don]Christi: Todd, that was your only possession.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: I still got my pick.
[Todd throws the pick to the lake too. The same amount of water splashes on Christi and Don.] [Cut to Eva and Randy]Eva: Guys, this has gone too far. We gotta tell him. We gotta tell him.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: Tell me what?
[Cut to Christi and Don]Don: We were kidding around, Todd. Of course we know the song. You sing it like every time we get together.
[Cut to Eva and Randy]Randy: Yeah. We were just gonna join in in the last verse.
Eva: But you went crazy before we got there.
[Cut to Christi and Don]Christi: Here. You know what? I’ll play it.
[Cut to everybody. Christi takes her guitar out.]Todd: Come on! You have your own guitar?
[Cut to Christi and Don]Christi: Yes, I do. Alright, let’s sing.
[Cut to everybody]Apples, apples
Come on, Todd! Sing.
[Cut to Todd]Todd: No, I’m mad and my guitar’s gone and my pick.
[Cut to Christi and Don]Don: You did that, Todd. Not us.
[Cut to everybody]Christi: Now, come on everybody.
Everybody: Apples, apples
you’re falling and growing and rolling and rotting and dying
in the usual way
Christi: Come on, Todd!
[Cut to Todd. He is angry but he’s nodding his head on the song.] [Todd joins the song]Don: There he is.
[Cut to everybody]Everybody: In the usual way,
in the usual way
